***There is some swearing in this post - please do not read this if you are easily offended. It is also LONG***
This is not an exhaustive list but this is one woman's guide to friends and family on how to support a woman going through a miscarriage. It is not intended to be sweet, sanitised and light, because miscarriage is none of those things. It is not intended to save you from the messy, anger inducing, tear-fest that miscarriage is, it is meant to show you what some women may actually be needing from you. If you have a friend or a family member that is going through a miscarriage, then reading this may help in some way but understand that every woman is unique.
After saying all that - you also need to understand that number 3 is essential for every woman.
If she has just told you that she has just found out she has miscarried, then she is going through one of the biggest upheavals in her life. Not only has she lost her baby and everything that goes with that, but most likely that baby is still inside of her and she still feels pregnant.
It is likely she doesn't feel she can trust her body anymore, her hormones are freaking her out and she cries at everything. She is most likely totally heartbroken and can't find anyone in Real Life who will sit and allow her to scream, cry and express her anger and fears. She now has to either wait for an operation or for the baby, placenta, cord and blood clots to come out of her vagina. Either way it will most likely involve pain, blood, tears, pads and out of control feelings - none of these she wants. She isn't looking forward to it and the process can take some time.
Things to do
1. Google miscarriage and what it actually entails - I highly recommend you read forums of other women who found out they miscarried and what happened to them. There are loads of forums - Mumsnet, Netmums, Baby and Bump, TheBump, Whattoexpect... the list goes on. This is where most women will flee to and ask questions, get advice and find out about support. They are a lifesaver. Learn about what she is going through before you ask her any questions - she is not there to teach you.
2. Learn about the stages:
There's generally two ways a woman will find out she has miscarried, she will either:
- See blood in her pants and freak out
- Have no idea and have happily gone to hospital for a scan
Neither way is fun - either you have the agonising wait to have a scan to see if the baby is okay or you think everything is okay only to have your heart stamped on, squeezed and ripped apart when the Sonographer says, 'I'm sorry...'
- She will inevitably have to wait. Either she waits for an operation (can have complications) or she will take tablets and wait for them to start working and force the miscarriage process to happen (not always successful) or she will wait for a natural miscarriage (this can take weeks/months). Any way it happens, she will have her dead baby inside of her for some time and this can affect her mental health and how she responds to the world (ie. you).
- At some point the baby will come away from the woman's body - with any process this will involve blood.
- Afterwards, she will have to heal physically, mentally, emotionally, hormonally and possibly spiritually. This is different for every woman - it could be a week, months, years or a lifetime.
- She may decide to try again straight away, she may not be able to try again for a while for a number of reasons or she may never try again.
At any point, give her a break. If she is a complete bitch to you, if she shouts at you, if she doesn't speak to you, if she cries and screams and can't stop, if she is absolutely motionless and silent, if she only wants to talk about what's on TV and not talk about it.... basically, pick up whatever she is putting down for a while and be with her. She is in pain. The worst pain. All the pain. And she is probably scared out of her wits and doesn't know how to cope. Be kind.
- She will think of and be reminded of her baby for a long time to come, especially every month when she sees her period or when she sees others with their children.
4. Send your friend a card with heartfelt words.
These stay a lot longer than your verbal words and can be a source of comfort during the sleepless nights.
5. Give or leave on the doorstep the following things:
- Anything that can help increase her blood production - drinks, herbs, vitamins, vegetables etc.
- Anything that will help maintain her iron levels - cherries, nettle tea bags, green smoothies, raspberries... Google it
- Anything that helps her uterus - raspberry leaf tea is amazing
- Chocolate - in any form: bars, hot chocolate, biscuits, ice-cream...
- Pads
- Meals - especially her favourite food
- New knickers/pants - chances are she has a lot of blood stained pants and she would like to throw them away
- Wine (if she drinks)
- Soft tissues with balm in it - toilet roll makes a woman blotchy
- A gift voucher for a session with a masseuse, acupuncturist, reflexologist, cranio sacral therapist or someone wonderful
- Pad and pen to write all the gunk in her mind down
- Anything you know she loves that is mindless - jigsaw puzzles, books, colouring pencils/book, magazines (with no pregnancy or baby related material), facemask/hairmask, anything that makes a woman feel pretty, whatever...
If you are a super close friend and you know that she is going to have a natural miscarriage, you can support her with buying ingredients that help the miscarriage along. You could also provide her with names and telephone numbers of amazing counsellors or therapists in the area that work with women who experience loss, for when she is ready, if she's into that sort of thing.
6. You can also send her online:
- Netflix recommendations that involve no babies and or pregnancies that will make her feel better eg. Queer Eye
- YouTube videos of cats and dogs
- YouTube videos of meditations to cope with loss or healing after grief.
- Pages that you think might help - Tommy's, Miscarriage Association, forums, blogs, poetry etc.
7. Do say something other than, 'I'm sorry.'
I have been told that some women are okay with people saying, 'I'm sorry.' If they are okay with it, then go for it and say it until the cows come home.
This is probably controversial, but most of the time everyone says this and for some women the meaning behind it can become meaningless. Additionally, most likely this is the first thing a sonographer will say to the woman and she could associate this with being told that her baby had died.
Instead, you can also say something like:
'My heart is breaking for you...'
'I'm absolutely gutted for you...'
'This is fucking terrible and it's awful you have to go through this...'
'I am sending you so much love and strength right now whilst you go through this shitty time...'
FYI - For me... please don't say 'I'm sorry.' When I hear it I am like, 'What are you sorry for? You are sorry I lost my baby? How does that help me?' I can't stand it when people say it to me. It also reminds of the Sonographer.
8. Help her heal
If she has passed a number of weeks of pregnancy, she will most likely have put on weight. This can be difficult to shift because of the different hormonal profile she will have for a while. Additionally, miscarriages can cause hormonal/thyroid issues and that might affect her weight, energy levels, mood etc.
Additionally, some women can experience low mood, anxiety and PTSD, particularly when they have a period. They could also be feeling all sorts of guilt about the things they could have done or should have done, which is absolutely natural.
Basically, for a while there, she isn't going to be right and she will most likely feel raw.
If you want, you can do the following:
- Ask her open questions - 'How are you?' 'How are you feeling?' 'How can I support you?' 'Tell me anything you need to express right now...' 'What is happening for you right now...' and then LISTEN. Listen until your ears bleed and then get a tissue to dab the blood and listen some more.
- Try not to ask closed questions that force her to say yes or no and don't use questions starting with 'Why..'.
- If you are trained in something lovely like massage, cranio sacral therapy, energy healing, shamanic work... Invite her into your space and give her some love.
- If you know of anyone who is awesome with women who have just lost their babies, buy them a session to show your love.
- Send her a lovely yoga class specifically for those who have miscarried.
9. Make sure you remain in contact
She may not contact you or respond to any of your messages but it is worth texting / whatsapping every few days with a short message - send her something that you think she will appreciate.
Some people appreciate a 'Thinking of you.' Again, if they like that, say that as often as you like. It's not my thing, I don't see any point in that but others like it.
You can go to her door and say you want nothing from her but you just want to give her a hug. That's okay. But if she doesn't answer the door because she is a mess and doesn't want anyone to see her, then don't persist.
You being silent isn't necessary even if she is silent. She may not be communicating with you but she will be aware you are communicating with her. Try not to take it personally if she is being silent.
10. LOVE
If you know her, if you are sad for her, if you are thinking of her and want to care for her... Pray for her, meditate on her wellbeing, tell the universe you want the very best for her, imagine your heart beaming beautiful light towards her, send her metta, sing for her, cry for her... It's okay to do that. Send her your love - you can do that from afar. You don't need to tell her because on some level she will receive that love and healing.
So, these are some things you can do to support her and show her that you love her.
Good luck!
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