***There is some swearing in this post - please do not read this if you are easily offended. It is also LONG***
This is not an exhaustive list but this is one woman's guide to friends and family on how to support a woman going through a miscarriage. It is not intended to be sweet, sanitised and light, because miscarriage is none of those things. It is not intended to save you from the messy, anger inducing, tear-fest that miscarriage is, it is meant to show you what some women may actually be needing from you. If you have a friend or a family member that is going through a miscarriage, then reading this may help in some way but understand that every woman is unique.
After saying all that - you also need to understand that number 3 is essential for every woman.
If she has just told you that she has just found out she has miscarried, then she is going through one of the biggest upheavals in her life. Not only has she lost her baby and everything that goes with that, but most likely that baby is still inside of her and she still feels pregnant.
It is likely she doesn't feel she can trust her body anymore, her hormones are freaking her out and she cries at everything. She is most likely totally heartbroken and can't find anyone in Real Life who will sit and allow her to scream, cry and express her anger and fears. She now has to either wait for an operation or for the baby, placenta, cord and blood clots to come out of her vagina. Either way it will most likely involve pain, blood, tears, pads and out of control feelings - none of these she wants. She isn't looking forward to it and the process can take some time.
Things to do
1. Google miscarriage and what it actually entails - I highly recommend you read forums of other women who found out they miscarried and what happened to them. There are loads of forums - Mumsnet, Netmums, Baby and Bump, TheBump, Whattoexpect... the list goes on. This is where most women will flee to and ask questions, get advice and find out about support. They are a lifesaver. Learn about what she is going through before you ask her any questions - she is not there to teach you.
2. Learn about the stages:
There's generally two ways a woman will find out she has miscarried, she will either:
- See blood in her pants and freak out
- Have no idea and have happily gone to hospital for a scan
Neither way is fun - either you have the agonising wait to have a scan to see if the baby is okay or you think everything is okay only to have your heart stamped on, squeezed and ripped apart when the Sonographer says, 'I'm sorry...'
- She will inevitably have to wait. Either she waits for an operation (can have complications) or she will take tablets and wait for them to start working and force the miscarriage process to happen (not always successful) or she will wait for a natural miscarriage (this can take weeks/months). Any way it happens, she will have her dead baby inside of her for some time and this can affect her mental health and how she responds to the world (ie. you).
- At some point the baby will come away from the woman's body - with any process this will involve blood.
- Afterwards, she will have to heal physically, mentally, emotionally, hormonally and possibly spiritually. This is different for every woman - it could be a week, months, years or a lifetime.
- She may decide to try again straight away, she may not be able to try again for a while for a number of reasons or she may never try again.
At any point, give her a break. If she is a complete bitch to you, if she shouts at you, if she doesn't speak to you, if she cries and screams and can't stop, if she is absolutely motionless and silent, if she only wants to talk about what's on TV and not talk about it.... basically, pick up whatever she is putting down for a while and be with her. She is in pain. The worst pain. All the pain. And she is probably scared out of her wits and doesn't know how to cope. Be kind.
- She will think of and be reminded of her baby for a long time to come, especially every month when she sees her period or when she sees others with their children.
4. Send your friend a card with heartfelt words.
These stay a lot longer than your verbal words and can be a source of comfort during the sleepless nights.
5. Give or leave on the doorstep the following things:
- Anything that can help increase her blood production - drinks, herbs, vitamins, vegetables etc.
- Anything that will help maintain her iron levels - cherries, nettle tea bags, green smoothies, raspberries... Google it
- Anything that helps her uterus - raspberry leaf tea is amazing
- Chocolate - in any form: bars, hot chocolate, biscuits, ice-cream...
- Pads
- Meals - especially her favourite food
- New knickers/pants - chances are she has a lot of blood stained pants and she would like to throw them away
- Wine (if she drinks)
- Soft tissues with balm in it - toilet roll makes a woman blotchy
- A gift voucher for a session with a masseuse, acupuncturist, reflexologist, cranio sacral therapist or someone wonderful
- Pad and pen to write all the gunk in her mind down
- Anything you know she loves that is mindless - jigsaw puzzles, books, colouring pencils/book, magazines (with no pregnancy or baby related material), facemask/hairmask, anything that makes a woman feel pretty, whatever...
If you are a super close friend and you know that she is going to have a natural miscarriage, you can support her with buying ingredients that help the miscarriage along. You could also provide her with names and telephone numbers of amazing counsellors or therapists in the area that work with women who experience loss, for when she is ready, if she's into that sort of thing.
6. You can also send her online:
- Netflix recommendations that involve no babies and or pregnancies that will make her feel better eg. Queer Eye
- YouTube videos of cats and dogs
- YouTube videos of meditations to cope with loss or healing after grief.
- Pages that you think might help - Tommy's, Miscarriage Association, forums, blogs, poetry etc.
7. Do say something other than, 'I'm sorry.'
I have been told that some women are okay with people saying, 'I'm sorry.' If they are okay with it, then go for it and say it until the cows come home.
This is probably controversial, but most of the time everyone says this and for some women the meaning behind it can become meaningless. Additionally, most likely this is the first thing a sonographer will say to the woman and she could associate this with being told that her baby had died.
Instead, you can also say something like:
'My heart is breaking for you...'
'I'm absolutely gutted for you...'
'This is fucking terrible and it's awful you have to go through this...'
'I am sending you so much love and strength right now whilst you go through this shitty time...'
FYI - For me... please don't say 'I'm sorry.' When I hear it I am like, 'What are you sorry for? You are sorry I lost my baby? How does that help me?' I can't stand it when people say it to me. It also reminds of the Sonographer.
8. Help her heal
If she has passed a number of weeks of pregnancy, she will most likely have put on weight. This can be difficult to shift because of the different hormonal profile she will have for a while. Additionally, miscarriages can cause hormonal/thyroid issues and that might affect her weight, energy levels, mood etc.
Additionally, some women can experience low mood, anxiety and PTSD, particularly when they have a period. They could also be feeling all sorts of guilt about the things they could have done or should have done, which is absolutely natural.
Basically, for a while there, she isn't going to be right and she will most likely feel raw.
If you want, you can do the following:
- Ask her open questions - 'How are you?' 'How are you feeling?' 'How can I support you?' 'Tell me anything you need to express right now...' 'What is happening for you right now...' and then LISTEN. Listen until your ears bleed and then get a tissue to dab the blood and listen some more.
- Try not to ask closed questions that force her to say yes or no and don't use questions starting with 'Why..'.
- If you are trained in something lovely like massage, cranio sacral therapy, energy healing, shamanic work... Invite her into your space and give her some love.
- If you know of anyone who is awesome with women who have just lost their babies, buy them a session to show your love.
- Send her a lovely yoga class specifically for those who have miscarried.
9. Make sure you remain in contact
She may not contact you or respond to any of your messages but it is worth texting / whatsapping every few days with a short message - send her something that you think she will appreciate.
Some people appreciate a 'Thinking of you.' Again, if they like that, say that as often as you like. It's not my thing, I don't see any point in that but others like it.
You can go to her door and say you want nothing from her but you just want to give her a hug. That's okay. But if she doesn't answer the door because she is a mess and doesn't want anyone to see her, then don't persist.
You being silent isn't necessary even if she is silent. She may not be communicating with you but she will be aware you are communicating with her. Try not to take it personally if she is being silent.
10. LOVE
If you know her, if you are sad for her, if you are thinking of her and want to care for her... Pray for her, meditate on her wellbeing, tell the universe you want the very best for her, imagine your heart beaming beautiful light towards her, send her metta, sing for her, cry for her... It's okay to do that. Send her your love - you can do that from afar. You don't need to tell her because on some level she will receive that love and healing.
So, these are some things you can do to support her and show her that you love her.
Good luck!
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Can I ask a question as a sonographer? I would like to know if you have any advice regarding what would be a good thing for the sonographer to say, what would you have preferred rather than I'm sorry?
ReplyDeleteI really appreciate this question - I asked some women who have been through similar for their answers as well as thinking about what I would like to say - they said the following:
ReplyDelete'When I miscarried I was pretty traumatised and sobbing. The sonographer tried to relay things nicely, was very sympathetic and asked if I wanted to see the baby which I was grateful for. It was nice to have the option rather than just being shown'.
'When l had a missed miscarriage a few years ago the sonograoher had no bedside manners. Didn't speak and there was silence for at least 10 minutes before he told us that there was no heart beat. It just looked like a blob. I was just about to send hubby out with my first born who was getting a little noisy & that's when he said l think your hubby should stay as l don't have good news. Then another sonograoher looked over the summary. I was devastated & couldn't wait to get out of there. Sobbed all the way home'.
'My sonographer was so quiet and quick with her motions. My baby measured way behind from my LMP but still had a strong heartbeat. I could tell something was off but she wouldn’t quite say what. I remember her ripping the picture off the sono machine and saying “congratulations” on such a mono tone and emotionless tone. I really don’t think there was much she could do differently because there were so many uncertainty at that time'.
'I think more than being able to say the right thing it’s about being able to tolerate that the people in front of you will be very upset. I would have liked to been asked what questions I had or if my husband and I needed a few minutes alone'.
' all my loss scans were done by the same sonographer. I knew by looking at the screen before being told my babies were gone, she didn't have to tell me any of the times, I told her the baby's gone every time she couldn't confirm this for me till she did the necessary images and measurements that have to be done in a loss confirmation, when she was certain she would tell me yes and the gestational age when baby passed. She answered any questions I had and make sure I had good pictures of our baby. She cries with us with our losses and celebrates our rainbows. We have had 3 rainbows with this sonographer and 7 of our 9 losses'.
'My 1st MC was detected by ultrasound and came completely unexpected. My OBGYN at the time used to send their patients to a more specialised doctor for the 12 and 20 weeks scans. I knew this doctor from my first pregnancy and he's actually a very kind man but still I hated how he dealt with my miscarriage and I will never go back to him. One problem was that he was SO surprised himself which caused him not to trust himself. He looked, saw a way too small embryo and then started to ask me again for my LMP and started looking through his notes. And then he basically just said "oh no this is way too small sorry" and "see here is the Doppler" to show me that there is no heartbeat instead of saying it clearly that there is no heartbeat. Then he left us alone and called my doctor to make sure that I can go see her directly for next steps and then we were out. It was so fast and rushed. He couldn't really support us because he seemed so surprised himself. He also didn't offer me a picture of my baby. A few days later I called and asked them to send me a picture which they did (and charged me for ��♀) but I'm happy I did because it helps me to be able to look at it sometimes. So for me, the sonographer should be kind of course, but also communicate clearly, say the words don't just talk around it out of fear of saying these life shattering words out loudly. And they should take a minute to review the patient information before they start the ultrasound to REALLY know what they expect to see'.
Some more...
ReplyDelete'Going through my missed miscarriage I had 3 ultrasounds over 3 weeks, a different tech each time. By the time I got to 2&3, I had them incessantly chatting and asking “are you sure you’re dates are dm right?” Like they had no idea why I was there and thought it was just a normal scan. ������♀
The last one was very kind and sympathetic but none of them offered to show me the screen or if I wanted a printout. I had to go back and buy the CD with one of the scans on it. But, for me, I believe the techs can’t really say much, they have to have the doctor review it after and then call me'. ����♀
'I prefer silence actually cuz I can see on the screen myself no baby or no heartbeat. I don’t want to be told sorry or anything. Just leave the room so I can get dressed and start the next steps'.
'The sonographer I has was really short with me. She stopped the scan told me she was going to see if the doctor could see me and said "You can put your pants back on now." The midwives I was going to before had someone double check. I think for me I would have wanted a little more care rather than feeling like I was doing something wrong'.
For me, if the sonographer knows a woman has had a miscarriage before it would be good to acknowledge that had happened and that most likely the woman has very difficult memories of being scanned. To acknowledge what could possibly be one of the most painful moments in their lives is really important. It's worth asking the woman what she wants from the scan, how she would like the sonographer to be. It's also important to be incredibly supportive but honest. The whole world gets uncomfortable around miscarriage - it would be amazing if the sonographer wasn't. Ask the woman if they want a picture, ask them if they have any questions, if they need space, if there's anything you can do. They will remember you for the rest of their lives being there during their greatest heartbreak - if you can, be a guiding light. I hope this helps? Please ask more questions if you have them. Thank you so much for asking xxx
ReplyDelete