***Warning! Pretty long post!***
It had been nearly two weeks of almost radio silence. A big indicator of a longer silence to come. Initially, I went into panic mode - inner turmoil pushed to the fore - and made me act in ways contrary to how I want to be.
I was told by people, 'Love yourself. Do not contact him.'
For the most part I followed the advice and left him alone... But there would be times when I would crumble, wanting his energy to mix in with mine... One. More. Time. And I would reach out. But as every woman knows when a man isn't in to her, the replies are never satisfactory, if they even come at all.
So I became busy, and every minute became fully accounted for with something fun to do - visiting lectures and galleries, going to the cinema, yoga, workshops, indoor festivals... I started working from the 'Warrior Goddess Training' book and worked on what I want to achieve in my life. After I spoke to my friends I felt stronger and realised it was better to cut contact with him altogether - I deleted him from my phone and unfriended him on FB.
Of course, after that he texted - apologising for the silence, but saying that he would text me soon. For the last time I thought I would give him the benefit of the doubt and responded, thinking that if I saw him we could have a mutual discussion and give the ending of our last four years of our lives some degree of respect.
However, yesterday he wrote a poorly worded and misspelled text, in quite a harsh tone, saying that we're over. I tried to call in response but he had turned his phone off. So, I realised I was being told loud and clear. I realised the torture was over... and all I felt was relief. Happy Valentines weekend to me!
So off I skipped to my cacao ceremony with excitement as I prepared to meet and listen to Old Mother Cacao, listen to her advice about the work I need to do, and sit in the circle of the Shaman.
I pulled the card, 'The Miser' - the Shaman nodded, 'You're keeping all your goodness inside. Accept yourself, get rid of the wall inside of you, and let yourself start shining bright.'
I drank in as much bitterness as I could muster and lay down.
Old Mother Cacao walked into the grove of trees. I got up as if to run to her but she put her hand out to stop me.
'Stay where you are. You are a woman now, no longer a little girl with your head on my lap. Now he has gone, the lessons you integrated in Ayahuasca will start to come through. You are going to start doing the work.'
'This year is a big year of change. Everything is going to change. You hold on, surrender and trust the process. Everything that is happening is right for you'
I asked her, 'Will I ever find the right relationship for me?'
'If you want to meet a man, become a woman. Stop pretending you are a little girl, otherwise you will only meet boys.'
She looked at me, sternly.
'Do you not remember what happened in Ayahuasca? You experientially understood that we are all born and will all die alone. This alone is your journey, no matter how many people you surround yourself with. You experienced that we are spirit and the only way we are connected to this body is through this sweet breath. You started to have a love affair with your breath, with nature, do not stop now.'
She went on, remember what you were told, 'You are not a girl anymore. You are a woman now. You don't need a mother. You are your own mother. You need to grow up.' In that ceremony you were initiated as a Shamanic Warrior - you are going to Peru this year to carry on your work. That trip will be challenging and no little girl can complete it, only a woman can.'
She came to me, took the thick and heavy cord from my heart that connected me to him and uprooted it. She covered my chest with loose soil. 'It will hurt for a while but it will heal.'
The Shaman asked us to bring to the grove the part of ourselves that felt unloved. I saw a tiny teenage me curled up in a foetal position; scared to say anything. I recognised her as the teenager who was bullied for three years by someone she had considered her best friend. Bullied for doing nothing wrong except being considered different. By being my true self I had been rejected and reviled by those I had chosen to love. I internalised a lesson to expect and accept that it was okay to be treated in this way, and believe the unique individual I am isn't worthy. Oh, how the penny dropped as I saw the replication of similar relationships and friendships be enacted throughout my life since then. I thought I had healed this particular wound but now see it still weeping, needing further healing.
I went up to my teenage self and hugged her - told her it was okay to be who she is. I told her that she had survived that episode in her life. I told her that she had now travelled and lived all around the world, that she had met so many amazing people and that she had real true friends who loved her for who she really was. I told her to come to me, to allow love in her life, to let go. I held her in my arms as she cried.
The Shaman asked us to bring our future selves to the grove. I saw my future self there. She looked at me, 'I warned you this year was going to be challenging. You are already starting to see the effects of this in your work, love life and accommodation. You need to get rid of the bullshit to allow real growth in your life. Surrender, accept and allow life as it is, not as you would like it to be.'
The Shaman said our future selves had a gift for us. My future self gave me a jewellery box, when I opened the box the ballerina went round in circles as the music played. She told me, 'You are also a jewel.'
Out of the ceremony, I took my card and it was, 'Clinging to the past' - it was a woman with her head in a box of memories and she wasn't able to see the beautiful sparkly life that was around her now. For too long I have let memories dictate my decisions - unconsciously and consciously. My work is to stop clinging and to now allow life to unfold as it is.
Words from Osho are:
'These tenses--past, present and future--are not the tenses
of time; they are tenses of the mind. That which is no longer before
the mind becomes the past. That which is before the mind is the
present. And that which is going to be before the mind is the future.
Past is that which is no longer before you. Future is that which is not
yet before you. And present is that which is before you and is slipping
out of your sight. Soon it will be past.... If you don't cling to the
past...because clinging to the past is absolute stupidity. It is no
longer there, so you are crying for spilled milk. What is gone is gone!
And don't cling to the present because that is also going and soon it
will be past.
