Stronger - Blog Post

There was a moment the other day where I felt peace, warmth and happiness. I was alone and had taken the time to cook myself food, allowed myself to nestle in blankets and feel warm. I had cocooned myself and felt safe - safer than I have felt in a long time. 

My shoulders dropped, jaw loosened, belly softened and I felt no need to be anywhere else. I was content to be with me, in my skin, by myself. 

For so long I have been fighting and trying to place pieces together that do not fit. 

In the name of what?

Safety.

Security.

Companionship. 

What I thought was love.

I have been on these ancient lands of the United Kingdom these past 10 years and what have I experienced? 

Two relationships and separations, four babies I never met, one wedding, one impending divorce, homes in five different areas, two countries, six jobs, 10 homes, two nephews born, two cars, seven holidays, eight housemates, nine bonfire nights, one pandemic, one Brexit, two Vipassana courses, countless new friends, laughter, festivals, dinners, sunsets, sun and moon rises, shamanic journeys, clients, plants, train/bus/coach/plane/car journeys, mountains climbed, seas, rivers and lakes swam in, songs sang and danced to and warm baths. So many cuddles, kisses, saying, 'I love you', yogic moments, walks, deer spotting, drums played, meals cooked and received, miles driven, flat-pack furniture bought and put together, tears shed, therapy sessions, smiles given and received, deep conversations, cacao and other plant ceremonies, essays written, feelings of alignment and disconnection, pictures painted, poems written and nature constantly, constantly, communicating with me. So much love, happiness and sadness wrapped in a decade, all in the quest to know and understand myself better - this spirit within this human body I inhabit. 

My only constant is that I have consistently been on the move and that I have lived and loved with my whole heart.

I remember when I came for my Social Work interview in Brighton and afterwards eating in a noodle bar. I thought to myself, I wonder what I will experience if I take this step? Never, not in a million years, did I believe I would have done everything I have done and met some of the most amazing, delicious people to grace this planet, some of whom will be life long friends. 

And I am planning to move again - this time with the intent to root and slow down, in a space I can call mine. So I no longer feel like I am tumbling, buffeted by the wind, with no safety net, where I can continue to feel this peace, stability, safety and security whilst feeling rooted within. 

So may it be. 

I look forward to seeing what the next decade will bring...

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Inner Shaman Adventures - The Way of the Shaman

After my cacao ceremony, where I was asked to find a teacher, I found a course that resonated. I had read Michael Harner's, 'Way of the Shaman' a while back and knew that in Shamanic circles he was viewed to have integrity. So I contacted the UK Faculty of the Foundation for Shamanic Studies and went to the basic workshop taught by Marta Niccolai.

I danced and sang, drummed and rattled, swam and retrieved. Under the guidance of the Shaman I was able to journey deeper into the heartlands of the other worlds.

Yet most of all I listened, listened deeply to truth and allowed it all to resonate with me and my growth.

In one session, I was told by the spirit of a stone, 'Follow my heart, it will lead me in the right direction, even when alone I am on the right path. But, see things how they are not how I would like them to be. A tiny action contributes to the greater whole, allow yourself to be cleansed by spirit and consider all the elements as a guide. Every challenge can be overcome, don't take life so seriously.'

After the weekend I felt alive, vibrant and keen to keep exploring. Later on that week, fresh from a cancellation from a Consultant's appointment, I could hear Wimbledon Common's call and I felt bound to respond.

As I walked on her familiar pathways, I felt myself rejoice in this reunion. Her energy entered me and I felt swallowed by her power, strength and teachings. It was like being with a long lost friend whose connection traversed lifetimes.

In the common, I danced my spirit animals and cried their song. And then I watched them run around me as I entered deeper into the Common's womb and felt a song burst forth that I sang over and over again.

'Power comes from within.

Energy is all there is,

Love is all there is,

I am all there is.'

Until different songs that also came from nowhere kept pouring forth.

I found myself singing for nature, her pain and incessant torture, I sang in love for her and for all that is included in her. Words, song, words, song, words and song kept pouring forth as my heart opened in honour of the power within me and my ancestors, the planet and the elements. Rain washed my face and hair clean and as I finally entered Richmond Park. I saw the deer prick their ears in interest, staring at the woman who couldn't stop singing songs so deeply honouring the source.

Until I could sing no more.

It was the best cancellation of a Consultant's appointment I have ever had.

Aho.

The Way of The Shaman basic workshop in core shamanism was taught by Marta Nicolai

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Inner Shaman Adventures - Cacao Ceremony 22

St Ouen's beach - taken by me

I decided to journey with cacao alone to deepen my connection with her and continue the work.

I opened space, set up my altar and then cooked, sang, rattled, danced smudged, and called in the spirits - whilst allowing her to bubble and melt and become thick enough for drinking.

I sat in front of cacao, in front of the altar, and prayed my intentions to create space in me for my next steps, whatever they may be and I drank her deeply, breathing her in. I pulled the card, 'Courage.'

I laid down to the sound of drumming and instantly I was on St Ouen beach, in Jersey. I walked to the edge of the sea and found myself swimming in very dangerous rip tides, the waves huge and overwhelming as the surf crushed my body repeatedly. I became aware that my understanding of the sea is so very different when I am at the edge compared to being in its midst, but as I saw a dolphin nearby, I understood I would also never have the perspective of the sea the dolphin has. I rode the waves back to the shore and walked towards a tunnel and gate, which opened up to a jungle.

As soon as I was there a jaguar was beside me. As I walked deeper and deeper into the jungle she padded alongside. Soon I found the clearing and waited on my tree stump for Old Mother Cacao. The jaguar paced around me, unable to settle, until Old Mother Cacao entered.

The drumming took over and I wove in and out of consciousness, I felt the drum on my base, heart and throat chakra - every beat dug a deeper hole. Soon black sludge vomited out of me and with every drum beat a little more until black poured out at an alarming rate, my body too small to have physically kept all this in.

As soon as the black leaves, my body became clear and I started to shake violently on the floor. I shook until colour entered each chakra and I lay there, the brightest rainbow. Old Mother Cacao walked up to me and blew mapacho on to me and said, 'Very good.'

  'Allow yourself to shine, my darling. Do not be afraid of who you are. You need to take me further, take me to those who are suffering.'

  'You need to take the next steps in Shamanism, you need to find a Master.'

I agreed I would.

  'The jaguar is your spirit guide, she will protect you in the lower world.'

Glowing, I hugged Old Mother Cacao and she entered into my energetic body. The jaguar and I walked back to the gate and I told her that I would return.

Once I returned to St Ouen, I walked back to the edge of the sea and then swam in her magical waters. The sea was much calmer and I surfed the waves with ease, playing in the water.

Aho.

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Inner Shaman Adventures - Cacao Ceremony 20

In the summer, fresh from her Cacao Shamanista training, my oldest friend agreed to hold a cacao ceremony on magical Wimbledon Common. There were 4 of us and I was blessed to have a deep connection with all of the participants there as well as the common, one of my most favourite places on this earth.

We walked and found a small enclosed area in the woods and set up the space to drink.

My intention was to decide whether to leave my lovely home in Wimbledon and the heart space I had created for myself - my place of self-healing and sanctuary in a place that resonated with my need for urban and country. We were being offered a choice to live in two rooms in a shared space in Wimbledon or to move to our new home further outside of London where space, privacy and peace abounded.

I pulled the card, ‘Transformation’ and instantly I knew what my decision was as I could see how this new change, the next phase of my life, could be a perfect step on my path.

We lay down to journey and Old Mother Cacao came and sat beside me.

  ‘Darling, the time has come. You are entering the field of relationship on a deeper level. You need a place to root down so you can healthily blossom in love.’

I watched her as she sat there composed, she inhaled her mapacho, studying my situation in detail.

  ‘You have been waiting for this, aching for it.’

I realised the waiting for the perfect place, and the indecisiveness of my flatmate held its own perfect pattern. Nothing is done by accident on this planet and my frustrations with how I felt things should be rather than how they are melted away.’

  ‘In your new home you will be in the perfect place to create sanctuary for people. You will support, heal and comfort others on their path when they enter your home. In this space you will find peace – no more constant traffic outside your window shaking your vibration constantly. Remember what Ayahuasca told you about the constant interruptions to your energy fields.’

I remember seeing my auric field being constantly impacted by the unwanted noise and how Aya had told me I would become sick if I was constantly subjected to this sound pollution.

I saw my future as we grew as a family and how the extra people in my life would open me up to new and wonderful experiences.

  ‘You will expand in love and many people will pass through your doors and feel all the better for it.’

After a while, she looked at me and stated to me that it is time to start working with her to heal others. She stated it is my path to work with her as an equal and support those who need to find answers like I do as well.

  ‘You are ready my darling, it is time to learn from me in a new way. Use me regularly and let me show your new path will unfold.’

When we came out of the journey I pulled the card, ‘The Lovers’. I realised that a new path to help me refine my reserves of compassion was about to begin.

You can find more adventures in Shamanism here: Inner Shaman Adventures

Cacao Ceremonies facilitated by Carmen Saccone

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Inner Shaman Adventures - Cacao Ceremony 19

I walked into the Shaman’s circle with a renewed interest in shedding what does not belong to me anymore, a wish to peel off that which stops me from stepping into my own power. As the energy of 2016 dissipated into mere fragments that are now memories, I felt a resurgence of energy to embrace 2017 and carry on my Shamanic work and delve further into the depths of my own psyche and self-healing.

 I pulled the card, ‘Completion’ and the picture was of the last piece of the puzzle being placed on the third eye of the Buddha. I felt the card was saying I was coming to a point of completion and would be starting anew this year with a fresh set of challenges to undertake.

I drank the cacao and lay down to journey.

  ‘Honey, don’t spread yourself so thinly. This stage is just a series of stages and you are always ending and beginning anew. Life is a process of endings and beginnings and you need to remain focused. Don’t say yes to everything. Always go back to your Ayahuasca lessons. ’

I noted that I had already started saying yes to everyone and everything – I felt out of step with winter and its retreat within and had already started spring and summer too early. Even I knew what happened to daffodils that bloomed too early and I realised I needed to conserve my energy and allow myself to be mindful of the seasons and what they represent.

  ‘Take care and listen to your body, darling. You need to prepare it for when you bring new life into this world. The journey into motherhood may be sooner than you think. The process of birthing needn’t be a baby but of projects, new phases and dreams. You need to be physically ready to undertake the challenges ahead.’

As I felt drowsy in my warm cacao cacoon, and knew that sleep was just a deepening surrender into my own body, I realised how much I had prevented my body from maintaining its usual routines in a bid to incorporate more into my life. I kept pushing my body and not respecting its limits.

  ‘Darling, what are you feeding your body? If you want to incorporate higher levels of energy and continue the process of letting go what prevents you from stepping into your power... You need to discard the heaviness of dairy.’

I felt myself baulk at the decision to follow a vegan diet, knowing the hassle it would cause in its wake. It wasn’t until a few days later when I read an article my brother had posted did I become certain in my choice, knowing it was the right path for me.

  ‘Starting your new course in Shamanism will be good for you – much will come from it. You will see new challenges will be presented to you through this.’     

I was about to start my journey around the medicine wheel the next week, not really knowing what it would be about except knowing that I had been called to undertake it. Even when I tried to ignore thoughts of the course, it would keep pushing its way to the front of my mind until I had surrendered and accepted that I needed to attend.

  ‘Just remember to always make decisions in alignment with who you are and your own truth.’

After the journey I pulled the card, ‘Creativity’ – I could see the dance of life being depicted, in tune with the elements. Afterwards, I read Osho’s words, ‘Whatsoever you do, if you do it joyfully, if you do it lovingly, if your act of doing is not purely economical, then it is creative. If you have something growing out of it within you, if it gives you growth, it is spiritual, it is creative, it is divine. You become more divine as you become more creative.

Aho.

You can find more adventures in Shamanism here: Inner Shaman Adventures

Cacao Ceremonies facilitated by Rebekah Shaman

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Inner Shaman Adventures - Cacao Ceremony 16

I have lost my voice.

Not metaphorically or symbolically. I seriously and truly heard my voice become this deep husky baritone on Monday before it faded to nothing on Tuesday.

By Saturday, the sound of my high pitched Jersey infused utterances became a mere memory and so began my apprenticeship in the art of loud whispering and dramatic facial gestures accompanied by coughing, sneezing and feverish panic. I was fortunate that in six days my body had recovered enough so I was able to find my way to the Shaman's circle and hear the wisdom of Old Mother Cacao.

We went around the room and stated our intentions. I whispered, 'Hi, I have lost my voice...' and then out of nowhere I said, 'I have come to find it again!'

And then I whispered my original intention, 'I also want to look seriously at my priorities regarding my career as at the moment as I am so confused.' Aho.

The Shaman placed the cards in the middle of the room and spread them out and asked us to pick a card, of course the only card I was ever going to pick was, 'Silence'.

I know I am not alone when I say my current job isn't working for me. I have started rethinking my personal reasons for becoming a social worker and whether I want to carry on in the statutory sector or be more creative in my approach.

Recently, I have been thinking about a conversation I had with my sister, about if she was ambitious. She stated to me, 'I am not ambitious but I like to be known for doing things well.' I sat with that for a while and agreed with her statement. I have never been ambitious. I am not hungry to rise in management or earn vast amounts of money, but I like to be thought of as a person who can do things well, and with integrity. I am starting to think it's not possible to do that in my current job anymore.

I drank in as much cacao as I could, resisted the feelings of rising nausea the taste invokes and lay down to listen to the silence.

She spoke to me, 'You are sick because you are in dis-ease. You are run down and dealing with a constant source of underlying stress. You are not born to cope with large amounts of stress, you are much happier when your job requires less from you so you can devote your energies to the creative.'

  'You are born to be imaginative and experimental - whether that is in your career or personal life. Honey, you are going to die, you may as well enjoy the journey from womb to ashes. Do what you are passionate about, what makes you feel alive. There is not enough time for the mundane.'

I sat beside Old Mother Cacao and came up with reasons why I should stay in my job. I have already trained to be a social worker... What if there isn't the right job for me..? What if I can't make enough money..?

She said to me, 'Who do you want to be? Just a Social Worker?'
I replied, 'Well, no, not just a Social Worker...'

  'You are a multi-faceted human being. You have a list of things you would like to achieve. Who cares if you are or are not called a Social Worker. You want to write, become a yoga teacher, grow in yoga and shamanism - live your life holistically. Find a job that is in alignment with the flow of your life. Follow your own heart.'

Out of the journey, we were asked to pull a card and I received, 'Letting go.' As I looked at the card I saw water drops fall from the leaf back into the pond - back to the source. I saw that I needed to let go of my identity as a Social Worker so I could find the job that is right for me; where I am given the opportunity, time and resources to do it well. I know that when I let go of who I think I am, who I really am is allowed to shine through.

Aho.

You can find more adventures in Shamanism here: Inner Shaman Adventures

Cacao Ceremonies facilitated by Rebekah Shaman

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Inner Shaman Adventures - Cacao Ceremony 15

It had been two months since I sat with the Shaman. During that time I thought of Old Mother Cacao often, realising how she is now a part of me and I am a part of an ever increasing community who is learning to reconnect with our plants and trees.

I sat in the circle and told the Shaman, 'I have been working on the path of self-love and self-worth for a while now. I know something is going to happen this week which will make me put all my work into action. I have come to cacao for some support. Aho.' I pulled the card, 'Trust'.

I drank in as much cacao as I could muster before I felt my body heave in response.

I lay down and heard Mother Earth say, 'You came from me and you will return. You are always a part of me. You are protected.' I could feel her solidity underneath me and I knew I was being held.

For a long time I only felt bodily sensations, I couldn't see Old Mother Cacao and so I consciously allowed myself to relax.

   'Stand your ground.'

I saw Old Mother Cacao beside me and I went to sit at her feet but she always remained by my side as equals, indicating that we are all equals on this journey in life.

  'When you challenge authority, you are providing them a chance to learn too. By expressing self-love in motion you are showing that you are worth protecting. This is a lesson for you to realise there is no need to have fear in standing up for yourself. You are worthy.'

  'Embody the warrior's spirit. No one is served when you play small.'

I could remember times when I have allowed myself to be talked down too, to be made small and feel unworthy. For a long time I never felt I was deserving of being treated properly, and I would capitulate to those I thought knew better and became oppressed. I would dumb myself down to make others look good.

No more. I know it is time to stand in my own power and trust that I know and understand I have the capacity to change a situation. My position of victimhood is outgrown and I will no longer be controlled by fear. I always have a choice, even if I don't like it. I can always create change.

  'It's not what we do, it's how we do it.'

I felt loving warrior energy course through my veins as I felt support from Old Mother Cacao pulsing through. I felt excited... and prepared.

  She said, 'My darling, remember the journey you had when you saw yourself on a path, and when you followed your intuition it led you to dance through life. You saw how the road lit up bright yellow as you placed your foot on each paving stone. Remember that vision where you loved and trusted each step you took, knowing that you were on the right path. You are on that path now - dance!'

The Shaman asked our future selves to enter the journey, she said they had a gift for us. I saw myself a week later and she gave me a diamond. Suddenly a memory returned of a client that I used to work with came to mind. I could hear him shouting, telling me, 'You're f**king gold you are!' I looked at that diamond, saw that it had withstood an immense amount of pressure to become so beautiful. I felt tears spring to my eyes as I understood that I am going through the same process.

After the journey I pulled the card, 'Rebirth.' It felt potent as I honestly feel a new woman is emerging from these old bones. I am walking my talk. I am starting a new era.

Aho.

You can find more adventures in Shamanism here: Inner Shaman Adventures

Cacao Ceremonies facilitated by Rebekah Shaman

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Inner Shaman Adventures - Cacao Ceremony 11

I walked back into the Shaman's circle - I started to notice that I am making friends with the people who hear the call of cacao, all of us searching for more... We greeted each other and asked how we had been and I love that I am becoming a part of a larger community. 

The Shaman asked me my intention and I requested further help from cacao to support me in my journey of surrender. Aho.

I picked the card 'Travelling' and saw a person walking on their path in the mountains, and although there is cloud around the figure, the sun is also shining. Somehow I have started to reconnect with the feeling that every step of my life is sacred and this journey between life and death is a pilgrimage. I could also see that my next stage is becoming clearer and I have started to surrender to life as it really is rather than how I would like it to be.

After drinking as much as I can of her bitterness, I laid down to journey. She came into the clearing and I sat calmly in front of her - woman to woman.

  'You have closed a door. Now is the time to let the new in. Allow yourself to be in the flow.'

She showed me a new wardrobe filled with clothes I hadn't seen before, for me to wear. As I put on the clothes I realised I felt different, yet more authentic, as they reflected who I am at this stage in my life. 

  'You're a woman now. Feel womanly and dress like a woman. Be proud of your feminine spirit.'

I saw myself getting rid of old clothes that no longer served or represented me in this stage of my journey.

  'I can see you have let go of fear, anxiety and confusion; now you have space to create anew. Now you have surrendered, the world can open up to you. It has been waiting for you to make space in your heart.'

  'All the plans you are creating are starting to come to fruition. You are saving, building on connections and exploring the world around you. Now you can concentrate on your vision and what you want to create in your life - your writing, trip to Peru, yoga teacher training, studying for your job and this ongoing spiritual journey you embarked on lifetimes ago...

 

 ...And there is more, so much more, the world wants to give you. Surrender to this process and allow beautiful changes to take place.'

I felt intense tingling at the back of my head for a long period of time, it felt wonderful and clearing.

After the journey, I pulled the card, 'Projections' and was confused by this. The Shaman said, 'Now is the time to let go of how I see others and how others see me.' I realised I needed to remain committed to seeing life as it really is.

This is a little of what Osho says about projections: 'Surrender is always total. That is why trust was required and always will be required in initiation. Trust is required as a total condition, as a total requirement. And the moment you surrender totally, things begin to change; now you cannot go back to your dream life. This surrendering shatters the whole projection, the whole projecting mind, because this projecting mind is tethered to the ego, it cannot live without the ego. The ego is the main centre of it, the base. If you surrender, you have surrendered the very base. You have given up completely.' Osho

You can find more adventures in Shamanism here: Inner Shaman Adventures

Cacao Ceremonies facilitated by: http://www.rebekahshaman.com/

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Inner Shaman Adventures - Cacao Ceremony 10

***Warning! Pretty long post!***

It had been nearly two weeks of almost radio silence. A big indicator of a longer silence to come. Initially, I went into panic mode - inner turmoil pushed to the fore - and made me act in ways contrary to how I want to be.

I was told by people, 'Love yourself. Do not contact him.'

For the most part I followed the advice and left him alone... But there would be times when I would crumble, wanting his energy to mix in with mine... One. More. Time. And I would reach out. But as every woman knows when a man isn't in to her, the replies are never satisfactory, if they even come at all.

So I became busy, and every minute became fully accounted for with something fun to do - visiting lectures and galleries, going to the cinema, yoga, workshops, indoor festivals... I started working from the 'Warrior Goddess Training' book and worked on what I want to achieve in my life. After I spoke to my friends I felt stronger and realised it was better to cut contact with him altogether - I deleted him from my phone and unfriended him on FB. 

Of course, after that he texted - apologising for the silence, but saying that he would text me soon. For the last time I thought I would give him the benefit of the doubt and responded, thinking that if I saw him we could have a mutual discussion and give the ending of our last four years of our lives some degree of respect.

However, yesterday he wrote a poorly worded and misspelled text, in quite a harsh tone, saying that we're over. I tried to call in response but he had turned his phone off. So, I realised I was being told loud and clear. I realised the torture was over... and all I felt was relief. Happy Valentines weekend to me!

So off I skipped to my cacao ceremony with excitement as I prepared to meet and listen to Old Mother Cacao, listen to her advice about the work I need to do, and sit in the circle of the Shaman.

I pulled the card, 'The Miser' - the Shaman nodded, 'You're keeping all your goodness inside. Accept yourself, get rid of the wall inside of you, and let yourself start shining bright.'

I drank in as much bitterness as I could muster and lay down.

Old Mother Cacao walked into the grove of trees. I got up as if to run to her but she put her hand out to stop me.

  'Stay where you are. You are a woman now, no longer a little girl with your head on my lap. Now he has gone, the lessons you integrated in Ayahuasca will start to come through. You are going to start doing the work.'

  'This year is a big year of change. Everything is going to change. You hold on, surrender and trust the process. Everything that is happening is right for you'

I asked her, 'Will I ever find the right relationship for me?'

  'If you want to meet a man, become a woman. Stop pretending you are a little girl, otherwise you will only meet boys.'

She looked at me, sternly.

  'Do you not remember what happened in Ayahuasca? You experientially understood that we are all born and will all die alone. This alone is your journey, no matter how many people you surround yourself with. You experienced that we are spirit and the only way we are connected to this body is through this sweet breath. You started to have a love affair with your breath, with nature, do not stop now.'

She went on, remember what you were told, 'You are not a girl anymore. You are a woman now. You don't need a mother. You are your own mother. You need to grow up.' In that ceremony you were initiated as a Shamanic Warrior - you are going to Peru this year to carry on your work. That trip will be challenging and no little girl can complete it, only a woman can.'

She came to me, took the thick and heavy cord from my heart that connected me to him and uprooted it. She covered my chest with loose soil. 'It will hurt for a while but it will heal.'

The Shaman asked us to bring to the grove the part of ourselves that felt unloved. I saw a tiny teenage me curled up in a foetal position; scared to say anything. I recognised her as the teenager who was bullied for three years by someone she had considered her best friend. Bullied for doing nothing wrong except being considered different. By being my true self I had been rejected and reviled by those I had chosen to love. I internalised a lesson to expect and accept that it was okay to be treated in this way, and believe the unique individual I am isn't worthy. Oh, how the penny dropped as I saw the replication of similar relationships and friendships be enacted throughout my life since then. I thought I had healed this particular wound but now see it still weeping, needing further healing.

I went up to my teenage self and hugged her - told her it was okay to be who she is. I told her that she had survived that episode in her life. I told her that she had now travelled and lived all around the world, that she had met so many amazing people and that she had real true friends who loved her for who she really was. I told her to come to me, to allow love in her life, to let go. I held her in my arms as she cried.

 

The Shaman asked us to bring our future selves to the grove. I saw my future self there. She looked at me, 'I warned you this year was going to be challenging. You are already starting to see the effects of this in your work, love life and accommodation. You need to get rid of the bullshit to allow real growth in your life. Surrender, accept and allow life as it is, not as you would like it to be.'

The Shaman said our future selves had a gift for us. My future self gave me a jewellery box, when I opened the box the ballerina went round in circles as the music played. She told me, 'You are also a jewel.'

Out of the ceremony, I took my card and it was, 'Clinging to the past' - it was a woman with her head in a box of memories and she wasn't able to see the beautiful sparkly life that was around her now. For too long I have let memories dictate my decisions - unconsciously and consciously. My work is to stop clinging and to now allow life to unfold as it is.

Words from Osho are:

'These tenses--past, present and future--are not the tenses of time; they are tenses of the mind. That which is no longer before the mind becomes the past. That which is before the mind is the present. And that which is going to be before the mind is the future.
 

Past is that which is no longer before you. Future is that which is not yet before you. And present is that which is before you and is slipping out of your sight. Soon it will be past.... If you don't cling to the past...because clinging to the past is absolute stupidity. It is no longer there, so you are crying for spilled milk. What is gone is gone! And don't cling to the present because that is also going and soon it will be past.
 

Don't cling to the future--hopes, imaginations, plans for tomorrow--because tomorrow will become today, will become yesterday. Everything is going to become yesterday. Everything is going to go out of your hands. Clinging will simply create misery. You will have to let go.'
Osho The Great Zen Master Ta Hui, Chapter 10

You can find my adventures in Shamanism here: Inner Shaman Adventures


Cacao Ceremonies facilitated by: http://www.rebekahshaman.com/

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Inner Shaman Adventures - Cacao Ceremony 9

New year! New adventures in Cacao!

I skipped happily to the centre where we were to meet for ceremony in anticipation for another meeting with Old Mother Cacao. As soon as I had paid my ticket, I had set my intention to work on my creativity and since then words have started to flow again. I wanted Old Mother Cacao to help cement my aims.

I sat in the circle and told the Shaman, 'I want to carry on my work in trusting in life and to work on my creativity,' Aho.

I pulled the card, 'The Outsider' and saw a boy looking through a gate that had a chain attached to it. The chain was unlocked but the appearance of it stopped him from opening the gate and walking towards the rainbow of colour - of possibility. I knew that card was telling me that everything is already within.

Ben Lee's song came to me, 'In the silence... hear what can't be heard... '  

A memory came to me when a man held me and said, 'You have all the wisdom inside of you, you just need to recognise it. I love you, Leah.' What I felt from him was powerful; it wasn't romantic or conditioned, it was free and wild. His belief in me was transmitted in a way that made me feel powerful and wise. It made me start to believe I was also of value. I will always remain forever grateful that he exists on a planet like ours.

I laid down to journey and Old Mother Cacao joined me in our clearing.

  'Darling, I am here.'

I ran to her and placed my head on her knees. Happy to be reunited with her spirit. 

  'What prevents you from being creative is that you take on other people's stuff that isn't yours. You need to keep yourself clean.'

Old Mother Cacao and I stood up and she held a scraper in her hand. She set about scraping my energy body over and over, taking off all that didn't belong to me until I started to glow.

This week I had felt sluggish - it had been a hard week at work and I knew I had taken on other's people's negativity. Only after I had done a sound healing did I start to feel any better.

  'Darling, keep yourself clean.'
  'How?' I asked.

I saw him and I smudging each other with sage, naked, in my bedroom and in the woods. I saw myself taking baths, allowing salts and soda to help detoxify and cleanse. I saw myself being healed by sound over and over again.

  'Be clear about what is you and what is others.'
  'You mean, don't take on other people's shit?'
  'If that works for you.' She looked at me and started to unpick hooks in my energy body, energetic cords from people around me, which were sapping my strength. 'You will balance your Shamanic and Yogic paths - they are right for you. It won't be easy, but your path is opening up for you now. Hold on this year, even when it gets rocky, particularly when it gets rocky. Peru is going to bring up everything - pain, panic and death... There will be earthquakes within... But trust, trust, trust... It will be alright.'

 'Keep yourself clear and vibrant.'

My future self came up to me - she was shining and shimmering, 'You already know everything. It's already inside you. Just allow it to come through, allow your self to step aside. The gate is already unlocked, don't let fear stop you from opening it.'

After our journey I pulled the card, 'Flowering' - Osho described the card as, 'Your life should reach to others. Your blissfulness, your benediction, your ecstasy should not be contained within you like a seed. It should open like a flower and spread its fragrance to all and sundry – not only to the friends but to the strangers too. This is real compassion, this is real love: sharing your enlightenment, sharing your dance of the beyond.'

I am willing to share my joy and creativity with others.

You can find my adventures in Shamanism here: Inner Shaman Adventures

Cacao Ceremonies facilitated by: http://www.rebekahshaman.com/

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Inner Shaman Adventures - Cacao Ceremony 8

Carmen laughed at our willingness to participate in two cacao ceremonies in two weeks, 'We are cacao junkies!' 

Over this year, this subtle but powerful plant medicine has provided me with so much insight and guidance I can only feel grateful that there is another another opportunity to connect with her before the year end.

The Shaman spoke about love, trust, forgiveness and compassion - talking about how they are the ingredients for inner and world peace. The Shaman asked me my intention for the year ahead so I can contribute to world peace in my life - I stated that I wanted to continue encouraging trust in the universe and the journey I am undertaking in following my heart and also some guidance in my career as my values as a Social Worker seem increasingly at odds with the clinical setting I find myself in.

I pull the card, 'Harmony' - a picture of my heart and mind being at one and no longer conflicted.

I drank as much cacao as I could muster - her bitterness ever present in every drop - and lay down to journey.

As soon as I lay down I think I fell asleep, I don't know how long I remained unconscious. But when I awoke, Old Mother Cacao was already there, waiting patiently.

  'Life is being brought into harmony because you are finding peace within and are realising you are on the right path for you. You have re-learned to follow your heart and trust your intuition and you are learning not to be afraid of your own transformation.'

I nodded.

  'Look after yourself and keep yourself well. Eat healthily, sleep deeply, exercise and be in nature frequently. Also, listen to what your heart says. This will help you to withstand any change. Change has come and it is still to come. Now you are learning to roll with the punches.'

  'It is important to maintain your authenticity and values - if the placement of your job isn't conducive, find a place that is. No matter where you are, let your inner light shine through. As long as you follow your heart, life will flow.'

I asked about my card, she said, 'You are coming into a place of harmony. You are patching up energy leaks so you are better able to care for yourself and others. You are allowing life to take it's own pace rather than forcing it to bend to your own will. There have been many changes this year but understand that in the next 12 months there will be even more and all you can do is hold on to love, trust, forgiveness and compassion. Your power comes from within.'

I pulled my guidance card for 2016: 'Aloneness'. The picture is of a monk walking his path in darkness but his inner light guides him and his sprouting staff of life is beside him. I am willing to allow my own light to shine through.

You can find my adventures in Shamanism here: Inner Shaman Adventures


Cacao Ceremonies facilitated by: http://www.rebekahshaman.com/



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Inner Shaman Adventures - Cacao Ceremony 7

As I walked through London, I saw Christmas decorations lighting up the sky. It felt like humanity's last ditch attempt at brightness before the deepest part of our winter, our hibernation, sets in... I was once again reminded that soon I will set foot on the rock surrounded by people of my birth and childhood for the festive season.

Events leading up to this season have been conflicted - this year has been a year of intensity, change, and facing up to the reality of my shadow side as well as my light. I am continually being taught so many lessons - and this month continues to teach me that of love and patience, releasing the need to know outcomes, of letting go, of trying to control situations and allowing the flow to take me where I need to be without losing my voice or authenticity.

I asked cacao for help and insight into how best I can experience my time this Christmas. The card I pulled was stress - I knew I needed to let go of all that caused me stress within familial relationships and friendships before I headed home; I knew I needed to wipe the slate clean.

I drank her bitterness until I felt myself heave at the taste and lay down to journey. I visualised my place of nature and saw St Ouen's beach experiencing rough weather. The clouds were ominously looming, the wind was tossing my hair and throwing sea salt into my eyes; the waves were crashing against the shore with abandon. I knew I was not in a place of peace as I was not in a peaceful place within.

Old Mother Cacao was waiting.

  'Hello my darling.'

She took my hand and said, 'Everyone is family - all around you is family - human, animal, elemental... seen and unseen. You are a tree with deep roots and strong tall branches and all that you are connected to is your family.'

  'Every human being is subject to constant change - never assume a person remains the same.'

I saw an image of my family looking at a corpse of an old me, of who they think I am, wondering why she isn't the same as before. As I continually grow, learn and adjust so do those who are around me. In that image I learned I also need to continually learn to adjust to others too.

  'Darling, relationships come in different forms, we cannot manipulate them according to expectation. You cannot expect a relationship to have the strength of a fully grown tree if you are only at the stage of a sapling. Maintain your boundaries.'

I thanked her for her wisdom and asked her if there was anything else I needed to know.

  'Expect change. Do not cling to anything. Everything is going to change and keep on moving. Do not resist whatever happens in your life - go with it's flow and allow growth. All beings come together to help facilitate a process, do not be limited by human expectation, there are different relationships for every part of this journey.'

  'Change is not something to fear; embrace it and be happy. Adapt and accept whatever life throws at you and understand that everyone has their role to play.'

I kneeled beside Old Mother Cacao and placed my head on her lap. She stroked my hair. 'Believe in yourself and use your intuition as a guide. Remember that I am always here.'

The Shaman brought us out of our journeys and we all took a card, I picked, 'Healing.' She nodded and said, 'Find the middle ground without compromising, all will be well.'

Aho.


You can find my adventures in Shamanism here: Inner Shaman Adventures


Cacao Ceremonies facilitated by: http://www.rebekahshaman.com/



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