Stronger - Blog Post

There was a moment the other day where I felt peace, warmth and happiness. I was alone and had taken the time to cook myself food, allowed myself to nestle in blankets and feel warm. I had cocooned myself and felt safe - safer than I have felt in a long time. 

My shoulders dropped, jaw loosened, belly softened and I felt no need to be anywhere else. I was content to be with me, in my skin, by myself. 

For so long I have been fighting and trying to place pieces together that do not fit. 

In the name of what?

Safety.

Security.

Companionship. 

What I thought was love.

I have been on these ancient lands of the United Kingdom these past 10 years and what have I experienced? 

Two relationships and separations, four babies I never met, one wedding, one impending divorce, homes in five different areas, two countries, six jobs, 10 homes, two nephews born, two cars, seven holidays, eight housemates, nine bonfire nights, one pandemic, one Brexit, two Vipassana courses, countless new friends, laughter, festivals, dinners, sunsets, sun and moon rises, shamanic journeys, clients, plants, train/bus/coach/plane/car journeys, mountains climbed, seas, rivers and lakes swam in, songs sang and danced to and warm baths. So many cuddles, kisses, saying, 'I love you', yogic moments, walks, deer spotting, drums played, meals cooked and received, miles driven, flat-pack furniture bought and put together, tears shed, therapy sessions, smiles given and received, deep conversations, cacao and other plant ceremonies, essays written, feelings of alignment and disconnection, pictures painted, poems written and nature constantly, constantly, communicating with me. So much love, happiness and sadness wrapped in a decade, all in the quest to know and understand myself better - this spirit within this human body I inhabit. 

My only constant is that I have consistently been on the move and that I have lived and loved with my whole heart.

I remember when I came for my Social Work interview in Brighton and afterwards eating in a noodle bar. I thought to myself, I wonder what I will experience if I take this step? Never, not in a million years, did I believe I would have done everything I have done and met some of the most amazing, delicious people to grace this planet, some of whom will be life long friends. 

And I am planning to move again - this time with the intent to root and slow down, in a space I can call mine. So I no longer feel like I am tumbling, buffeted by the wind, with no safety net, where I can continue to feel this peace, stability, safety and security whilst feeling rooted within. 

So may it be. 

I look forward to seeing what the next decade will bring...

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