Finding Destiny - Short Story

She felt it inside her again; this feeling that she was wasting her life. She didn’t quite know what to do now this feeling had resurrected itself. Last night she had watched a movie where the protagonist had followed her destiny and knew her place in the world. Inside her she knew her destiny was big too yet she just didn’t know what it was or whether she was fulfilling it.

With her perfectly manicured hand, she opened her diary and read some of her own thoughts, written months ago in another country. These words felt like they were written by someone else, cast with some other hand. Now she had settled back into Jersey she felt like that person was someone she used to know; a friend who she hung out with on her travels. Her idealistic traveller-friend with dreams and hopes for company and bravery and honesty as her armour… In comparison she felt a little dowdy, trying to grow up and fit in with cultural norms, scoffing at the so-called drop-outs who have gone to try and find themselves on tropical sandy beaches wearing flip-flops and flimsy material for clothes. Knowing the locals were greedily picking up their cash in return for the carefully set-up paradise they created.

She looked at the words again, pleading with her to pursue the simple life. One of need not want, appreciating nature not wasting its resources. Seeing life from a different perspective, embracing everyone for the person they are not the numbers they produce on a file.

She didn’t want to see that now. She looked at these naïve words shouting at her in big capital letters, imploring her not to give up. Not to make-do with everyone else’s version of happiness. Not to let comfort and security lure her into a false sense of joy. She felt these words to be childish, immature; stinking hippy tree-hugging nonsense.

She closed the book, finished her coffee and made her way back to work. Her hair carefully straightened, her clothes fitting her body perfectly and her make-up covering any imperfections. She looked the part again. She knew she did. But as she walked back into the office building, swiping her card for entry, she left her destiny and her flip-flops outside, waiting for her to find them again.  


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Stronger - Blog Post

There was a moment the other day where I felt peace, warmth and happiness. I was alone and had taken the time to cook myself food, allowed myself to nestle in blankets and feel warm. I had cocooned myself and felt safe - safer than I have felt in a long time. 

My shoulders dropped, jaw loosened, belly softened and I felt no need to be anywhere else. I was content to be with me, in my skin, by myself. 

For so long I have been fighting and trying to place pieces together that do not fit. 

In the name of what?

Safety.

Security.

Companionship. 

What I thought was love.

I have been on these ancient lands of the United Kingdom these past 10 years and what have I experienced? 

Two relationships and separations, four babies I never met, one wedding, one impending divorce, homes in five different areas, two countries, six jobs, 10 homes, two nephews born, two cars, seven holidays, eight housemates, nine bonfire nights, one pandemic, one Brexit, two Vipassana courses, countless new friends, laughter, festivals, dinners, sunsets, sun and moon rises, shamanic journeys, clients, plants, train/bus/coach/plane/car journeys, mountains climbed, seas, rivers and lakes swam in, songs sang and danced to and warm baths. So many cuddles, kisses, saying, 'I love you', yogic moments, walks, deer spotting, drums played, meals cooked and received, miles driven, flat-pack furniture bought and put together, tears shed, therapy sessions, smiles given and received, deep conversations, cacao and other plant ceremonies, essays written, feelings of alignment and disconnection, pictures painted, poems written and nature constantly, constantly, communicating with me. So much love, happiness and sadness wrapped in a decade, all in the quest to know and understand myself better - this spirit within this human body I inhabit. 

My only constant is that I have consistently been on the move and that I have lived and loved with my whole heart.

I remember when I came for my Social Work interview in Brighton and afterwards eating in a noodle bar. I thought to myself, I wonder what I will experience if I take this step? Never, not in a million years, did I believe I would have done everything I have done and met some of the most amazing, delicious people to grace this planet, some of whom will be life long friends. 

And I am planning to move again - this time with the intent to root and slow down, in a space I can call mine. So I no longer feel like I am tumbling, buffeted by the wind, with no safety net, where I can continue to feel this peace, stability, safety and security whilst feeling rooted within. 

So may it be. 

I look forward to seeing what the next decade will bring...

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The Dance - Blog Post

"Henry Ford Hospital," Frida Kahlo, 1932, oil on Sheet Metal, 12 ½ x 15 ½ in. Collection Museo Dolores Olmedo, Xochimilco, México. © 2014 Banco de México Diego Rivera Frida Kahlo Museums Trust, Mexico, D.F. / Artists Rights Society (ARS), New York.

As the pregnancy test signified Life, I swayed and revelled in her dance. I allowed Life to flow and welcomed her signs. Life caressed and soothed me, she reached out and said, 'Come, we can play this game together'.

Life was ecstatic with her creation - she cavorted, glimmered and sparkled and I was entranced. I felt her fingers stroke my skin and her body cuddle into mine. I was comforted, held and supported and she whispered to me her dreams. 

  'This little one is forming, my darling'.

My body obeyed and revelled in growth - hormones increased. I swam in the nausea, my breasts became full as my belly ripened and I felt every movement as if I was swimming in water. Sickness moved me as if by tidal pull, and Life kept encouraging, 'Yes, my darling, feel everything. Feel it all'. 

Calling to all the humans I needed, I tried to nest, to feel safe in the world. I needed to find the people who would support this pregnancy so I could meet this little one - to experience having a baby in this lifetime just. one. time.

And then one day at work, Death decided to visit and she called my baby's name. 

Death sang softly and so sweetly, every note caressing the air around me. The spectral pied piper of the little womb ones. Death danced around me whilst Life started to shrivel and cry. Death shimmied, allowing her pendulous breasts to swing, and she shook her childbearing hips. Death waggled her finger and spoke to me with a smile on her lips, 'My darling, thank you for growing this little one of mine'.

I could see Life was helpless in the face of Death's call and could only witness the events unfolding. She watched as my baby heard and reached out in joy to suckle on her breasts, sit on her soft belly and be cradled in her sumptuous lap. Death sang, soothed and tended... whilst Life, and I, looked on in dismay.

My body was so full, then so empty, as I straddled and embodied Life and Death. My body understood what was happening and vomit, blood and tears seeped from me - ravaged by the loss of my little one. My husband collected my heaves, wiped the red from my legs and helped me collect the remains of our little one as I allowed the cramps to sweep my uterus, making sure Death took every last remnant. 

Then I heard Death speak to me, 'You have given me four of your gorgeous babies and I am indebted by your kindness. I will leave you with four gifts in remembrance of your sacrifice'.

Death laid the gifts out in front of me, and smiled with gratefulness. 

First of all, here is acceptance, which will also bring you peace. When you meet me without resistance, you will see I will also bring you a deep, resounding peace that will continue within you always. I know your resistance to me has devastated and exhausted you to the point that you are ready to receive this gift now. I nodded and took this gift into my hands.

My second gift to you is the ability to learn how to parent yourself - there is a little one within you that has waited so long for you to be able to embrace her. Now you can learn to look after her and allow her the healing she craves. This little one desires safety, comfort and love from you so very much. I understood the wisdom in these words and agreed.

I also allow you the capacity of compassion so that you can mother the lost ones in the world who are in desperate need of love. You are being given a limitless well of compassion so you can support others in their growth and allow them to find their own way. I took the gift without response.

Lastly, I bestow on you the title of 'Warrior'. A woman who has witnessed the dance of life and death of her own children she was unable to keep learns great courage and knowledge. A woman who can embody Life and Death and is able to hold them within is taught some of life's greatest secrets. There is very little in life you will be unable to handle. I bowed as I took on the title and tried to integrate this with who I think I am.

Death watched me receive these gifts, nodded and slowly bowed. 

She then turned and walked away with my little one in her arms.

 

Play free my dear Little Sprouty, play with your brothers and sisters in the spirit world - come and find me when I am ready to dance with Death once again.

I love you.

 

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Gratitude - Blog Post

Photo by Carl Attard

  'So, what are you grateful for?' he asked, as we stretch out in bed after meditating, fresh from metta.
  'Well... I am grateful for you, this bed, this house, the safety we experience on this street... and then my list would continue, including various people, items, experiences, qualities until I feel satisfied with my daily quota. 'What about you?'

It is the same conversation we have practically every morning. Our list of appreciation, of love.

Amongst the milieu of death I have found a new appreciation for life. The last year, which included the death of my beloved Uncle and two babies, has left me with a clarity I cherish beyond words.

I notice everything now. I observe, see, and try my very hardest not to grasp or cling.

I get excited by the budding and blooming of flowers and leaves, I see animals and am deeply grateful for the role they play in our lives and love to see the dogs, cats, birds and deer on my daily walk into work. Watching this joyful spring unfold has been powerful, as the cyclical return to light releases my need to hibernate.

I am in love with the soft rhythm of my week as I start baking and cooking for the week ahead, gathering fresh clean clothes - dissipating with the old in the house and allowing the new to enter.  Preparing, creating, nurturing, allowing and being - revelling in the change and space I create.

I deeply cherish the process of transformation, of refinement and growth, as I continually make adjustments to accommodate the new. In the process of learning about fertility alone, we have thrown out plastic and destructive chemicals, we have eschewed sugar, caffeine, processed food and are taking so many supplements that if you shook us we would rattle. We have become healthier... cleaner... willing...

I am so deeply in love with now.

One of my favourite meditations is to become so actively involved with the breath that the process of breathing becomes a love affair. I notice how the breath enters my body in such an intimate way, experiencing me so deeply with such involvement before showing me how important it is that we remain detached from the experience so the breath can leave and then return. I find it overwhelming at times, this finite but beautiful, gorgeous process... forever teaching me something deeper about how we are to experience this gift of being human.

Without the medicine of death, I would not be able to understand life. Without the squeeze and sucker punch of grief, I would not be able to understand the depth and freedom of breath. Without the gift of tears, I would not be able to wash myself clean. I have been emptied and yet I am full.

I am so grateful.

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Be Willing - Poem

My wild woman in heaven

Be willing to honour

the circle of our cycles

our natures

our planet

our consciousness.

Beautiful wild woman

of nature

Understand!

The seasons

Birth

Life

Death

See the perfection in all things.

Be willing to honour

the circle of our cycles.

Be grateful 

to know space

to grieve and love.

Beautiful wild woman

of nature

Be willing!

To

Honour

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Inner Shaman Adventures: Jaguar - Love in Motion

What I saw was love in motion.

I watched him fight against the separation of body and spirit that would signify the end of his earthly visit as he recoiled from the touch of chimeric oblivion. I watched him desperately clinging to his experience of the tangible and substantial.

His physical attachment a Stockholm syndrome - he had forgotten about the oneness he had left when he was brought onto this earth, and I knew he was scared to return. I could see his body had become a captor that was slowly poisoning him, pumping toxic blood to his brain, preventing clarity and impeding peace.

I whispered to him that he was safe, that it was okay to surrender, yet his eyes hardened and ceaselessly he dragged his body to hard surfaces and sharp edges, to sensation and emissions. Stubbornly he lugged his frame from the fringes of unconsciousness and would start his ceaseless, pointless, journey through the house – every room entered, every sensation carelessly experienced. He could no longer tell me to be silent, for he himself was mute, unable to respond.

I watched his fading light struggle against the shadow of death.

This was his final lesson.

Oh Jaguar, I asked you to allow the fear of death to fall from my eyes. You gave me a teacher so profound. The more I watched his senseless struggle the more I realised the importance of surrender. The more I saw his ignorance, the greater I grew in wisdom. The more I saw his fear, the more I understood love.

What I saw was love in motion.

I watched her as she keenly observed every move, interpreted every action so she could predict his needs and wants. She would follow his fingers, arms, legs, face and examine his unseeing eyes for any communication so she could serve, protect and care for him in any way he needed.

Her heart grew and expanded to encapsulate and keep warm. Her love melded and merged, was unconditional in patience as she waded through the shit and urine that continuously emerged. She navigated the dank, dark, interminably stinking endlessness to her days. The sun rose and fell yet she remained constant – consistently caring for the near-corpse that haunted the house and continued to relentlessly breathe in confusion.  

Her continued acceptance of his decline and ability to get up another day after the struggle throughout the night. She fielded calls, visits, medication, decisions and the unknown and balanced uncertainty. Protecting the life he has but knowing there is no quality in it left her with a continual push and pull of indecision, yet she persevered and had no regard for herself as she invested her all.

This is another one of her lessons.

Oh Jaguar, I asked you to show me the way of peace. You gave me a teacher so profound. The more I watched her tears fall in sadness the more I realised the importance of detachment. The more I saw her devotion, the greater I grew in peace. The more I saw her fear, the more I understood love.

What I saw was pure love.

You can find more adventures in Shamanism here: Inner Shaman Adventures

Introduction to Shamanism & the Medicine Wheel facilitated by Miguel da Silva and Gareth Hughes

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Inner Shaman Adventures - Cacao Ceremony 14

In the stillness, there was movement. 

In the still black sky, the world was to be blessed with the light of the new moon. The stillness of darkness, the movement of light. As the moon phase transitioned, I stirred from the stillness of sleep as I had experienced the movement of a nightmare. I woke up in tears and didn't know why, somehow depths had reached my shallows and I was overwhelmed.

The tears did not stop and a question was on my lips.

'What if..?'

Suddenly I was pierced with regret and decisions I had taken in my life seemed wrong. Retrospective movies played out in my head as my body trembled and my heart contracted in pain. I called my friend and she soothed and bathed me with the voice of wisdom and compassion. I rocked and rolled but was then cooled and calmed. After, I felt tender, raw, but able to get out of bed and start the day.

I realised I had been forcing myself to move on more quickly than I was ready, trying to figure out, plan and execute. I have been eager to birth and manifest a life I want but without due processing of the emotions of moving on and letting go. I have been trying to build without the necessary foundations in place. In the name of movement, I forgot about stillness. 

The next day I sat in the Shaman's space, ready to be with Old Mother Cacao again. I told the Shaman that my intention was to cultivate patience.

I pulled the card, 'Trust.' It was of a person leaping into the unknown into the glowing pink. 'That which can be taken away from you is not worth keeping, and that which cannot be taken away from you, why should one be afraid of its being taken away? It cannot be taken away, there is no possibility.'

 

Oh fear... I see you now. You are shapeshifting into regret and forcing me to look at my world from a space of scarcity. I see I need to trust the world and understand that regret is of no use to me. I am where I need to be.

I drank in as much Cacao as I could.

After grounding us, the Shaman asked us to send love to those who have hurt us and suddenly I saw him. I tried to send him love but all I had were words and I stood and spoke to him in a dismal attempt to try and resolve regret. Yet I became involved, had forgotten the Shaman and had forgotten why I was there. 

After a while Old Mother Cacao came for me. 

  'Honey, what are you doing?'

I felt her gentle hands on my arms as she guided me away.

 She sat me on a small stone wall in a forest and rolled mapacho for us to smoke together.

  'This time to yourself is for you to fast forward your spiritual growth. If you were in a relationship right now you would not have the time or energy to devote to this important stage in your life. Become self-sufficient. You are on your way to becoming a Shaman and wise crone, trust all that is happening to you. Don't allow regret to disable you.'

 We smoked. In the stillness of the forest, I watched the movement of whispy vapour dancing in front of us.'

  'We know what it is that you want. Let us arrange it for you. Stop trying to force it. All you need to do is to let go and TRUST.'

  'Become still in the movement.'

The Shaman asked us to bring in our future selves. I saw myself sitting in a hut in Peru.

  'Don't forget Peru and your yoga teacher training. Concentrate on manifesting these aspects of your life and everything else will fall into place. Your intention for this lifetime is to effect positive change in yourself and others - keep hold of this. Always remember your intention.'

I saw myself in the retreat centre I will one day be a part of, the Shaman was there and she was dancing with wild abandonment. I saw people leaving their sadness at the door and finding pure joy within. I was there, able to create this space.

I pulled the card, 'The Master' - I know I have been given the tools to be the Master of my own life.

Aho.

You can find more adventures in Shamanism here: Inner Shaman Adventures

 

Cacao Ceremonies facilitated by Rebekah Shaman

 

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