The Dance - Blog Post

"Henry Ford Hospital," Frida Kahlo, 1932, oil on Sheet Metal, 12 ½ x 15 ½ in. Collection Museo Dolores Olmedo, Xochimilco, México. © 2014 Banco de México Diego Rivera Frida Kahlo Museums Trust, Mexico, D.F. / Artists Rights Society (ARS), New York.

As the pregnancy test signified Life, I swayed and revelled in her dance. I allowed Life to flow and welcomed her signs. Life caressed and soothed me, she reached out and said, 'Come, we can play this game together'.

Life was ecstatic with her creation - she cavorted, glimmered and sparkled and I was entranced. I felt her fingers stroke my skin and her body cuddle into mine. I was comforted, held and supported and she whispered to me her dreams. 

  'This little one is forming, my darling'.

My body obeyed and revelled in growth - hormones increased. I swam in the nausea, my breasts became full as my belly ripened and I felt every movement as if I was swimming in water. Sickness moved me as if by tidal pull, and Life kept encouraging, 'Yes, my darling, feel everything. Feel it all'. 

Calling to all the humans I needed, I tried to nest, to feel safe in the world. I needed to find the people who would support this pregnancy so I could meet this little one - to experience having a baby in this lifetime just. one. time.

And then one day at work, Death decided to visit and she called my baby's name. 

Death sang softly and so sweetly, every note caressing the air around me. The spectral pied piper of the little womb ones. Death danced around me whilst Life started to shrivel and cry. Death shimmied, allowing her pendulous breasts to swing, and she shook her childbearing hips. Death waggled her finger and spoke to me with a smile on her lips, 'My darling, thank you for growing this little one of mine'.

I could see Life was helpless in the face of Death's call and could only witness the events unfolding. She watched as my baby heard and reached out in joy to suckle on her breasts, sit on her soft belly and be cradled in her sumptuous lap. Death sang, soothed and tended... whilst Life, and I, looked on in dismay.

My body was so full, then so empty, as I straddled and embodied Life and Death. My body understood what was happening and vomit, blood and tears seeped from me - ravaged by the loss of my little one. My husband collected my heaves, wiped the red from my legs and helped me collect the remains of our little one as I allowed the cramps to sweep my uterus, making sure Death took every last remnant. 

Then I heard Death speak to me, 'You have given me four of your gorgeous babies and I am indebted by your kindness. I will leave you with four gifts in remembrance of your sacrifice'.

Death laid the gifts out in front of me, and smiled with gratefulness. 

First of all, here is acceptance, which will also bring you peace. When you meet me without resistance, you will see I will also bring you a deep, resounding peace that will continue within you always. I know your resistance to me has devastated and exhausted you to the point that you are ready to receive this gift now. I nodded and took this gift into my hands.

My second gift to you is the ability to learn how to parent yourself - there is a little one within you that has waited so long for you to be able to embrace her. Now you can learn to look after her and allow her the healing she craves. This little one desires safety, comfort and love from you so very much. I understood the wisdom in these words and agreed.

I also allow you the capacity of compassion so that you can mother the lost ones in the world who are in desperate need of love. You are being given a limitless well of compassion so you can support others in their growth and allow them to find their own way. I took the gift without response.

Lastly, I bestow on you the title of 'Warrior'. A woman who has witnessed the dance of life and death of her own children she was unable to keep learns great courage and knowledge. A woman who can embody Life and Death and is able to hold them within is taught some of life's greatest secrets. There is very little in life you will be unable to handle. I bowed as I took on the title and tried to integrate this with who I think I am.

Death watched me receive these gifts, nodded and slowly bowed. 

She then turned and walked away with my little one in her arms.

 

Play free my dear Little Sprouty, play with your brothers and sisters in the spirit world - come and find me when I am ready to dance with Death once again.

I love you.

 

You can read other blog posts here: Gracie's blog posts    

  

Follow me here... 

Twitter: Gracie's Twitter Page 

Facebook: Gracie's FB page 

Gratitude - Blog Post

Photo by Carl Attard

  'So, what are you grateful for?' he asked, as we stretch out in bed after meditating, fresh from metta.
  'Well... I am grateful for you, this bed, this house, the safety we experience on this street... and then my list would continue, including various people, items, experiences, qualities until I feel satisfied with my daily quota. 'What about you?'

It is the same conversation we have practically every morning. Our list of appreciation, of love.

Amongst the milieu of death I have found a new appreciation for life. The last year, which included the death of my beloved Uncle and two babies, has left me with a clarity I cherish beyond words.

I notice everything now. I observe, see, and try my very hardest not to grasp or cling.

I get excited by the budding and blooming of flowers and leaves, I see animals and am deeply grateful for the role they play in our lives and love to see the dogs, cats, birds and deer on my daily walk into work. Watching this joyful spring unfold has been powerful, as the cyclical return to light releases my need to hibernate.

I am in love with the soft rhythm of my week as I start baking and cooking for the week ahead, gathering fresh clean clothes - dissipating with the old in the house and allowing the new to enter.  Preparing, creating, nurturing, allowing and being - revelling in the change and space I create.

I deeply cherish the process of transformation, of refinement and growth, as I continually make adjustments to accommodate the new. In the process of learning about fertility alone, we have thrown out plastic and destructive chemicals, we have eschewed sugar, caffeine, processed food and are taking so many supplements that if you shook us we would rattle. We have become healthier... cleaner... willing...

I am so deeply in love with now.

One of my favourite meditations is to become so actively involved with the breath that the process of breathing becomes a love affair. I notice how the breath enters my body in such an intimate way, experiencing me so deeply with such involvement before showing me how important it is that we remain detached from the experience so the breath can leave and then return. I find it overwhelming at times, this finite but beautiful, gorgeous process... forever teaching me something deeper about how we are to experience this gift of being human.

Without the medicine of death, I would not be able to understand life. Without the squeeze and sucker punch of grief, I would not be able to understand the depth and freedom of breath. Without the gift of tears, I would not be able to wash myself clean. I have been emptied and yet I am full.

I am so grateful.

You can read other blog posts here: Gracie's blog posts    

  

Follow me here... 

Twitter: Gracie's Twitter Page 

Facebook: Gracie's FB page 

Love - Blog Post

In the wake of the revolution that is happening in America, I feel ripples of it amongst my own. So much shock, pain, anger but most of all... fear. We huddled together at work and wondered about the implications of the next four years, and how Trump’s decision making will affect us.

I scrolled through my Facebook feed and saw posts depicting surprise at the result – some people shared their fear using humour, others provided dire predictions, some recalled the rise of Nazi reign in Germany and the startling similarities occurring now in the US. Some of my US friends expressed their pain and what it meant to be waking up to a new world order they didn’t vote for. I couldn’t find any happiness that was shared amongst my companions and colleagues that morning.

I then thought about those who would be overjoyed and happy, about those Americans who thought Trump ruling their country is good idea and marvelled at the strength of their ability to manifest. We all know in reality more Americans voted for Clinton, but that she lost due to the electoral college process, yet, despite that, I know that everyone who got up and voted Trump wants what I want – happiness.

When I see people make a choice to vote, I believe they are operating at the peak of their consciousness and are striving to create what they believe will be a place that represents them and their future generations. Obviously, the disconnect is in the way we go about obtaining these goals. Whether Trump will deliver what they think they have voted for remains to be seen but it led me to think about dependence and inter-dependence and how we are all connected on this earth.

On a global scale we have allowed a culture of Trump and Clinton, and others like them, to be created and condoned. We create our own reality and have allowed a divisive America to rise as a superpower and reign over countries that do not toe its line. Not that there was much of a choice between Clinton or Trump, with regards to an enlightened leader raising global consciousness, but by voting Trump as President, America seems to have allowed an even more divisive, individualised, exclusive power to gain power and reign over them and affect the rest of the world state.

After a while I wondered how I can operate knowing that a man like Trump is most likely going to create further unhappiness, even in his electorate, and the possible dystopian implications of that for the rest of the world. It seems this was a growing thought mushrooming across the world as I saw my Facebook feed start to change. What I saw is an overwhelming need for the individual to take their responsibilities and values seriously, and hold on to them in times of great uncertainty.

My peers, colleagues and friends soon started to heed the call of love. As individuals it became clear that we shall surrender and accept that which we are unable to change but we could continue to work on ourselves and hold on to our values – we shall remain in love, be loving and inclusive. And maybe, just maybe, because of such a leader, the rising tide of consciousness will still find a way to grow.

My passionate lion-maned man, so warrior-esque in his design, is heeding his duty to provide a space for sanctuary. In these unstable times it's almost comforting that he tells me over and over how in this world he must construct a space for people to heal, love and grow so they can create higher versions of themselves, and positively impact on the world around us. He is calling me to be a part of his land, people and mission – he wants me to entwine my power in his so we can demonstrate love in action. I thought about the children we will create and the world we would be passing on to them, and what it will mean to them if I also answer his calling of love. At the moment, in these uncertain times, all I can do right now is surrender, accept and allow love to guide me.

So I shall leave you with my gesture - a bird visiting Bernie Sanders at one of his rallies - watching this and seeing his smile alone is worth it. I hope you all can have a smile that big today and remain in love, whoever you voted or didn't vote for.

Peace. 

You can read other blog posts here: Gracie's blog posts   

Follow me here...Twitter: Gracie's Twitter Page

Facebook: Gracie's FB page

Google +: Gracie's Google + page

Leaving Ashley Down - Poem

I sit in front of the television

Staring into space

There’s a man talking about some decision

That he really couldn’t face

Upstairs room is bare, bags are packed

But you are not around

You’ve gone away because you lacked

Patience with the sound

of my voice.

Though you didn’t know I was leaving

You didn’t wait to find out

Can’t cope with senseless grieving

And the silence drove me out.

I walk out the door forever

My face dry and soul bare

Realising we’re not together

Knowing how our relationship fared

Middling to worst?

Or the sublime?

Especially when you became mine.

Memories flood me, tears run dry

And the thought of you...

Looking into my room...

Makes me hope that Time

Will heal

my Heart.

Again.

You can read other poems here: Gracie's poems

Please follow me here... 

 

Twitter: Gracie's Twitter Page

Facebook: Gracie's FB page

Inner Shaman Adventures - Cacao Ceremony 13

Fresh from the sweat lodge, I walked into the Shaman's circle of women. This Cacao ceremony marked a year of my working with the plant in a conscious manner, implementing the lessons she teaches me.

I was asked my intention and I stated that I am here to continue working on my self-love and self-worth. Despite the lessons I am learning and the instructions I am given, I am still uncovering and finding layers and layers of resistance within me. I pulled the card, 'Playfulness'.

I drank the Cacao and lay down to hear what she had to say. At first I fell in and out of consciousness but suddenly my body jerked wide awake and I heard Old Mother Cacao say, 'You need to hear this.'

 The lesson from Ayahuasca came through again. I saw a collection of bubbles arising from the same source.

  'If you can love others unconditionally, why not yourself? We all come from the same source. We are all one. As we are all one, how come someone be above or below you? Neither one of us is better or worse - we are just helping each other on our path.

   'The more you start to feel inner self-confidence and love for yourself, the more you will see that others are attracted to you. Accept and love your abundant inner qualities - when you are happy and at peace, they shine through. You will see then that the right people who need to be in your life will be drawn to you as they bathe in your love, including the one you will want to have a relationship with.

  'If you feel uncomfortable in groups or around certain people, question why those feelings are arising and what you can learn from the situation. There are no coincidences in this world, every moment can be used as a tool for growth.'

I asked her, 'What does my card mean?'

  'Your confidence is inspired by playfulness. You are naturally a playful person - work in alignment with your natural characteristics, not against them.'

  'This year, your shoots are just leaving the soil and are growing slowly and steadily. You can take your time as you watch growth slowly enter your life and address each situation as they arrive.'

The Shaman asked us to bring in our future selves and see what four seeds I needed to plant and to work on.


 My future self told me:
  - Don't worry about getting into a relationship with someone. Enjoy this relationship with yourself.
  - Get out as much as you can - particularly in nature.
  - Have lots of time to yourself to unwind and just be.
  - Keep up with your spiritual practices - keep up your meditation and yoga.
  - Eat home cooked meals with lots of vegetables - eat better than you have been!  

 Once we sat together in the circle, the guidance card I pulled was, 'Turning In.' The meaning is: 'To develop the knack of taking a distance from the mind is one of the greatest blessings. It is what meditation is all about really - not chanting a mantra, or repeating an affirmation, but just watching, as if the mind belongs to somebody else. You are ready to take this distance now, and to watch the show without getting caught up in the drama. Indulge yourself in the simple freedom of Turning In whenever you can, and the knack of meditation will grow and deepen in you.'

I am ready to enjoy this relationship with myself and accept who I am so I can just be.

 
You can find more adventures in Shamanism here: Inner Shaman Adventures

 
Cacao Ceremonies facilitated by Rebekah Shaman

 
Follow me here...
Twitter: Gracie's Twitter Page
Facebook: Gracie's FB page
Google +: Gracie's Google + page