The Dance - Blog Post

"Henry Ford Hospital," Frida Kahlo, 1932, oil on Sheet Metal, 12 ½ x 15 ½ in. Collection Museo Dolores Olmedo, Xochimilco, México. © 2014 Banco de México Diego Rivera Frida Kahlo Museums Trust, Mexico, D.F. / Artists Rights Society (ARS), New York.

As the pregnancy test signified Life, I swayed and revelled in her dance. I allowed Life to flow and welcomed her signs. Life caressed and soothed me, she reached out and said, 'Come, we can play this game together'.

Life was ecstatic with her creation - she cavorted, glimmered and sparkled and I was entranced. I felt her fingers stroke my skin and her body cuddle into mine. I was comforted, held and supported and she whispered to me her dreams. 

  'This little one is forming, my darling'.

My body obeyed and revelled in growth - hormones increased. I swam in the nausea, my breasts became full as my belly ripened and I felt every movement as if I was swimming in water. Sickness moved me as if by tidal pull, and Life kept encouraging, 'Yes, my darling, feel everything. Feel it all'. 

Calling to all the humans I needed, I tried to nest, to feel safe in the world. I needed to find the people who would support this pregnancy so I could meet this little one - to experience having a baby in this lifetime just. one. time.

And then one day at work, Death decided to visit and she called my baby's name. 

Death sang softly and so sweetly, every note caressing the air around me. The spectral pied piper of the little womb ones. Death danced around me whilst Life started to shrivel and cry. Death shimmied, allowing her pendulous breasts to swing, and she shook her childbearing hips. Death waggled her finger and spoke to me with a smile on her lips, 'My darling, thank you for growing this little one of mine'.

I could see Life was helpless in the face of Death's call and could only witness the events unfolding. She watched as my baby heard and reached out in joy to suckle on her breasts, sit on her soft belly and be cradled in her sumptuous lap. Death sang, soothed and tended... whilst Life, and I, looked on in dismay.

My body was so full, then so empty, as I straddled and embodied Life and Death. My body understood what was happening and vomit, blood and tears seeped from me - ravaged by the loss of my little one. My husband collected my heaves, wiped the red from my legs and helped me collect the remains of our little one as I allowed the cramps to sweep my uterus, making sure Death took every last remnant. 

Then I heard Death speak to me, 'You have given me four of your gorgeous babies and I am indebted by your kindness. I will leave you with four gifts in remembrance of your sacrifice'.

Death laid the gifts out in front of me, and smiled with gratefulness. 

First of all, here is acceptance, which will also bring you peace. When you meet me without resistance, you will see I will also bring you a deep, resounding peace that will continue within you always. I know your resistance to me has devastated and exhausted you to the point that you are ready to receive this gift now. I nodded and took this gift into my hands.

My second gift to you is the ability to learn how to parent yourself - there is a little one within you that has waited so long for you to be able to embrace her. Now you can learn to look after her and allow her the healing she craves. This little one desires safety, comfort and love from you so very much. I understood the wisdom in these words and agreed.

I also allow you the capacity of compassion so that you can mother the lost ones in the world who are in desperate need of love. You are being given a limitless well of compassion so you can support others in their growth and allow them to find their own way. I took the gift without response.

Lastly, I bestow on you the title of 'Warrior'. A woman who has witnessed the dance of life and death of her own children she was unable to keep learns great courage and knowledge. A woman who can embody Life and Death and is able to hold them within is taught some of life's greatest secrets. There is very little in life you will be unable to handle. I bowed as I took on the title and tried to integrate this with who I think I am.

Death watched me receive these gifts, nodded and slowly bowed. 

She then turned and walked away with my little one in her arms.

 

Play free my dear Little Sprouty, play with your brothers and sisters in the spirit world - come and find me when I am ready to dance with Death once again.

I love you.

 

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Inner Shaman Adventures - Cacao Ceremony 15

It had been two months since I sat with the Shaman. During that time I thought of Old Mother Cacao often, realising how she is now a part of me and I am a part of an ever increasing community who is learning to reconnect with our plants and trees.

I sat in the circle and told the Shaman, 'I have been working on the path of self-love and self-worth for a while now. I know something is going to happen this week which will make me put all my work into action. I have come to cacao for some support. Aho.' I pulled the card, 'Trust'.

I drank in as much cacao as I could muster before I felt my body heave in response.

I lay down and heard Mother Earth say, 'You came from me and you will return. You are always a part of me. You are protected.' I could feel her solidity underneath me and I knew I was being held.

For a long time I only felt bodily sensations, I couldn't see Old Mother Cacao and so I consciously allowed myself to relax.

   'Stand your ground.'

I saw Old Mother Cacao beside me and I went to sit at her feet but she always remained by my side as equals, indicating that we are all equals on this journey in life.

  'When you challenge authority, you are providing them a chance to learn too. By expressing self-love in motion you are showing that you are worth protecting. This is a lesson for you to realise there is no need to have fear in standing up for yourself. You are worthy.'

  'Embody the warrior's spirit. No one is served when you play small.'

I could remember times when I have allowed myself to be talked down too, to be made small and feel unworthy. For a long time I never felt I was deserving of being treated properly, and I would capitulate to those I thought knew better and became oppressed. I would dumb myself down to make others look good.

No more. I know it is time to stand in my own power and trust that I know and understand I have the capacity to change a situation. My position of victimhood is outgrown and I will no longer be controlled by fear. I always have a choice, even if I don't like it. I can always create change.

  'It's not what we do, it's how we do it.'

I felt loving warrior energy course through my veins as I felt support from Old Mother Cacao pulsing through. I felt excited... and prepared.

  She said, 'My darling, remember the journey you had when you saw yourself on a path, and when you followed your intuition it led you to dance through life. You saw how the road lit up bright yellow as you placed your foot on each paving stone. Remember that vision where you loved and trusted each step you took, knowing that you were on the right path. You are on that path now - dance!'

The Shaman asked our future selves to enter the journey, she said they had a gift for us. I saw myself a week later and she gave me a diamond. Suddenly a memory returned of a client that I used to work with came to mind. I could hear him shouting, telling me, 'You're f**king gold you are!' I looked at that diamond, saw that it had withstood an immense amount of pressure to become so beautiful. I felt tears spring to my eyes as I understood that I am going through the same process.

After the journey I pulled the card, 'Rebirth.' It felt potent as I honestly feel a new woman is emerging from these old bones. I am walking my talk. I am starting a new era.

Aho.

You can find more adventures in Shamanism here: Inner Shaman Adventures

Cacao Ceremonies facilitated by Rebekah Shaman

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