In the stillness, there was movement.
In the still black sky, the world was to be blessed with the light of the new moon. The stillness of darkness, the movement of light. As the moon phase transitioned, I stirred from the stillness of sleep as I had experienced the movement of a nightmare. I woke up in tears and didn't know why, somehow depths had reached my shallows and I was overwhelmed.
The tears did not stop and a question was on my lips.
'What if..?'
Suddenly I was pierced with regret and decisions I had taken in my life seemed wrong. Retrospective movies played out in my head as my body trembled and my heart contracted in pain. I called my friend and she soothed and bathed me with the voice of wisdom and compassion. I rocked and rolled but was then cooled and calmed. After, I felt tender, raw, but able to get out of bed and start the day.
I realised I had been forcing myself to move on more quickly than I was ready, trying to figure out, plan and execute. I have been eager to birth and manifest a life I want but without due processing of the emotions of moving on and letting go. I have been trying to build without the necessary foundations in place. In the name of movement, I forgot about stillness.
The next day I sat in the Shaman's space, ready to be with Old Mother Cacao again. I told the Shaman that my intention was to cultivate patience.
I pulled the card, 'Trust.' It was of a person leaping into the unknown into the glowing pink. 'That which can be taken away from you is
not worth keeping, and that which cannot be taken away from you, why
should one be afraid of its being taken away? It cannot be taken away,
there is no possibility.'
Oh fear... I see you now. You are shapeshifting into regret and forcing me to look at my world from a space of scarcity. I see I need to trust the world and understand that regret is of no use to me. I am where I need to be.
I drank in as much Cacao as I could.
After grounding us, the Shaman asked us to send love to those who have hurt us and suddenly I saw him. I tried to send him love but all I had were words and I stood and spoke to him in a dismal attempt to try and resolve regret. Yet I became involved, had forgotten the Shaman and had forgotten why I was there.
After a while Old Mother Cacao came for me.
'Honey, what are you doing?'
I felt her gentle hands on my arms as she guided me away.
She sat me on a small stone wall in a forest and rolled mapacho for us to smoke together.
'This time to yourself is for you to fast forward your spiritual growth. If you were in a relationship right now you would not have the time or energy to devote to this important stage in your life. Become self-sufficient. You are on your way to becoming a Shaman and wise crone, trust all that is happening to you. Don't allow regret to disable you.'
We smoked. In the stillness of the forest, I watched the movement of whispy vapour dancing in front of us.'
'We know what it is that you want. Let us arrange it for you. Stop trying to force it. All you need to do is to let go and TRUST.'
'Become still in the movement.'
The Shaman asked us to bring in our future selves. I saw myself sitting in a hut in Peru.
'Don't forget Peru and your yoga teacher training. Concentrate on manifesting these aspects of your life and everything else will fall into place. Your intention for this lifetime is to effect positive change in yourself and others - keep hold of this. Always remember your intention.'
I saw myself in the retreat centre I will one day be a part of, the Shaman was there and she was dancing with wild abandonment. I saw people leaving their sadness at the door and finding pure joy within. I was there, able to create this space.
I pulled the card, 'The Master' - I know I have been given the tools to be the Master of my own life.
Aho.
You can find more adventures in Shamanism
here: Inner
Shaman Adventures
Cacao Ceremonies facilitated by Rebekah Shaman
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