Stronger - Blog Post

There was a moment the other day where I felt peace, warmth and happiness. I was alone and had taken the time to cook myself food, allowed myself to nestle in blankets and feel warm. I had cocooned myself and felt safe - safer than I have felt in a long time. 

My shoulders dropped, jaw loosened, belly softened and I felt no need to be anywhere else. I was content to be with me, in my skin, by myself. 

For so long I have been fighting and trying to place pieces together that do not fit. 

In the name of what?

Safety.

Security.

Companionship. 

What I thought was love.

I have been on these ancient lands of the United Kingdom these past 10 years and what have I experienced? 

Two relationships and separations, four babies I never met, one wedding, one impending divorce, homes in five different areas, two countries, six jobs, 10 homes, two nephews born, two cars, seven holidays, eight housemates, nine bonfire nights, one pandemic, one Brexit, two Vipassana courses, countless new friends, laughter, festivals, dinners, sunsets, sun and moon rises, shamanic journeys, clients, plants, train/bus/coach/plane/car journeys, mountains climbed, seas, rivers and lakes swam in, songs sang and danced to and warm baths. So many cuddles, kisses, saying, 'I love you', yogic moments, walks, deer spotting, drums played, meals cooked and received, miles driven, flat-pack furniture bought and put together, tears shed, therapy sessions, smiles given and received, deep conversations, cacao and other plant ceremonies, essays written, feelings of alignment and disconnection, pictures painted, poems written and nature constantly, constantly, communicating with me. So much love, happiness and sadness wrapped in a decade, all in the quest to know and understand myself better - this spirit within this human body I inhabit. 

My only constant is that I have consistently been on the move and that I have lived and loved with my whole heart.

I remember when I came for my Social Work interview in Brighton and afterwards eating in a noodle bar. I thought to myself, I wonder what I will experience if I take this step? Never, not in a million years, did I believe I would have done everything I have done and met some of the most amazing, delicious people to grace this planet, some of whom will be life long friends. 

And I am planning to move again - this time with the intent to root and slow down, in a space I can call mine. So I no longer feel like I am tumbling, buffeted by the wind, with no safety net, where I can continue to feel this peace, stability, safety and security whilst feeling rooted within. 

So may it be. 

I look forward to seeing what the next decade will bring...

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Finding my Inner Shaman - Part 1

I am a woman that has to re-learn about trusting the universe and all that it has to offer. I have to begin to understand that everything is perfect as it is, all over again. This warring against current situations has thrust me in a wellspring of confusion, tension and unhappiness.

I have heard it been said that your eyes stay the same in every lifetime – that it’s the same door that guards your soul, and we need to find a way to open it and look within. Each time I am born it is still me looking out despite the different body, clothes and surrounds. The Shaman told me to look in the mirror, and so I looked. Initially, I saw what I felt was wrong with my face in this lifetime; brought on by age, sun and events. I looked closer, into my eyes, at what they held and she spoke to me.

‘Where have you been? I’ve been on my own for such a long time.’

Tears filled my eyes as years of loneliness and abandonment met me. All that I had buried deep within were suddenly freed by my opening the door. I wept. I wept not only for the woman and the choices I had made, but the woman I trapped within.

‘You stopped listening to me, to my voice.’

And so I had. I asked her when I stopped listening and she pinpointed a time when I started to act out of fear. I had separated myself from my inherent trust in creation, the world and in knowing that everything placed before me was for my growth and ultimately for my benefit.

‘You are going to be fine. You are not alone, I am here.’

I told her, ‘I used to be so alive. I used to be fearless, wild, a warrior – where did I go? Why did I start to conform to societal, familial, cultural standards that are perplexing and at odds with my own journey? When did I allow fear to enter my life? When did I lose the flow?’

 I let the black sludge of fear flow out of me and she hugged me.

‘Welcome home.’

You can find more adventures in Shamanism here: Inner Shaman Adventures

Finding my Inner Shaman facilitated by: http://www.rebekahshaman.com/






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