Inner Shaman Adventures - Cacao Ceremony 22

St Ouen's beach - taken by me

I decided to journey with cacao alone to deepen my connection with her and continue the work.

I opened space, set up my altar and then cooked, sang, rattled, danced smudged, and called in the spirits - whilst allowing her to bubble and melt and become thick enough for drinking.

I sat in front of cacao, in front of the altar, and prayed my intentions to create space in me for my next steps, whatever they may be and I drank her deeply, breathing her in. I pulled the card, 'Courage.'

I laid down to the sound of drumming and instantly I was on St Ouen beach, in Jersey. I walked to the edge of the sea and found myself swimming in very dangerous rip tides, the waves huge and overwhelming as the surf crushed my body repeatedly. I became aware that my understanding of the sea is so very different when I am at the edge compared to being in its midst, but as I saw a dolphin nearby, I understood I would also never have the perspective of the sea the dolphin has. I rode the waves back to the shore and walked towards a tunnel and gate, which opened up to a jungle.

As soon as I was there a jaguar was beside me. As I walked deeper and deeper into the jungle she padded alongside. Soon I found the clearing and waited on my tree stump for Old Mother Cacao. The jaguar paced around me, unable to settle, until Old Mother Cacao entered.

The drumming took over and I wove in and out of consciousness, I felt the drum on my base, heart and throat chakra - every beat dug a deeper hole. Soon black sludge vomited out of me and with every drum beat a little more until black poured out at an alarming rate, my body too small to have physically kept all this in.

As soon as the black leaves, my body became clear and I started to shake violently on the floor. I shook until colour entered each chakra and I lay there, the brightest rainbow. Old Mother Cacao walked up to me and blew mapacho on to me and said, 'Very good.'

  'Allow yourself to shine, my darling. Do not be afraid of who you are. You need to take me further, take me to those who are suffering.'

  'You need to take the next steps in Shamanism, you need to find a Master.'

I agreed I would.

  'The jaguar is your spirit guide, she will protect you in the lower world.'

Glowing, I hugged Old Mother Cacao and she entered into my energetic body. The jaguar and I walked back to the gate and I told her that I would return.

Once I returned to St Ouen, I walked back to the edge of the sea and then swam in her magical waters. The sea was much calmer and I surfed the waves with ease, playing in the water.

Aho.

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Inner Shaman Adventures - Cacao Ceremony 21

I sent out a call to family and friends and they answered. On the due date of our second baby, my birthday, I chose to bring love in its physical form to my house, our home. My sister arrived on the Friday night and friends came the next day. We travelled and met in Bushy Park and started the process of returning to Old Mother Cacao.

Within the circle of trees, with a beautiful canopy to protect us, we created space, a circle representing the rhythms of life. As we smudged, hugged and spoke our intentions, we connected and communed, opening our hearts and lives to one another.

My intention was to create the space for fertility to blossom within me, naturally. Despite the myriad tests, vials of blood and urine, discussions with Doctors, there is a need to find a bloom within me that is beyond science.

As I lay down, I wondered how it had been so long for me to lie in nature again, to be with Old Mother, as she allowed me to listen to what my heart truly has to say. I saw the pattern of the leaves against the sky and soon closed my eyes as the warmth of cacao enveloped me.

She was there.

She came to me and looked me up and down.

  'What a mess, my darling. Look at you.'

She very carefully blew mapacho at my whole body. She then excavated each chakra and took out rotten cores - putrid, smelly, and scraped out what was no longer of use. Each area was cleared and cleaned and then the gaping holes were filled with mapacho and cacao. I stood in front of her allowing myself to be eviscerated and throughout she says to me, 'Where have you been? What have you been doing to yourself?'

I looked down at myself - my core now filled with cacao, splattered all over me, daubed brown, dripping, bitter tasting, I could feel the medicine at work, at play. The medicine carousing in my blood stream.

Humbled, I realised how far I had come from the natural world, how my journey had strayed from the Old Mother and her powerful teachings.

  'To be fertile means to be creative. You are restricting your creativity, if this cannot flow then fertile ground cannot remain.

  How often are you writing, my darling?'

I had picked up food instead of the pen and had been mashing, pulverising, blending, whisking, chopping and kneading on a regular basis - recipes that take hours to create and minutes to destroy.

  'It's not enough, you need your words. Your language is your most fundamental mode of creative expression but you do not take the time to sit and allow creative forces to arrive.'

I understood. Somehow, I had let writing and cacao take a back seat as other, more seemingly pressing areas seemed to take precedent. I knew I needed to allow creativity to flow back in my veins.'

She berated me, 'Darling, being in ceremony, being with me in this way, is a part of your journey so you can share the light with others and they can find their own truth. Share me, be a part of me, hold me in ceremony for others. Do not turn away from me, I'm also a part of your journey towards truth. Do you not remember what Aya said? You have been initiated. It is time. People will come.'

I nodded. I knew that I need to hold space for cacao to do her work for others, that the planet needed this more than ever as we face evermore destructive forces.

  'Try not to force life. Life will happen in the way that it is meant. If you have or do not have children, your creativeness is your fertility. Your round belly is a source of life, not just for children but for all birth.'

I picked the card, 'Intensity', 'You have not to be a follower, an imitator. You have to be an original individual; you have to find your innermost core on your own, with no guide, no guiding scriptures. It is a dark night but with the intense fire of inquiry you are bound to come to the sunrise.'

To do that I need to follow my heart, to allow my creative forces to arise from within and be allowed expression.

Aho.

You can find more adventures in Shamanism here: Inner Shaman Adventures

Cacao Ceremony facilitated by Carmen Saccone

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Inner Shaman Adventures - Rapé and Sananga Ceremony

I walked into the studio, expecting the next session to be about Shamanic tools and how to use them but the Shaman walked up to me and said, 'Things have changed tonight, we are going to be exploring plant medicine and their role in Shamanism. We are going to work with rapé and sananga.' I nodded my head in assent, I knew what rapé was, I had seen my brother Apé administer it to people prior to the ayahuasca ceremonies. However, I had not tried it because of the incredibly physical responses I had witnessed when receiving the plant medicine. I had seen people coughing, sneezing, going red in the face, eyes tearing up and retching and I had just thought, 'No, not for me.'

Cushioned beds were laid out in ceremonial style in the studio and we chose our places for the evening. We sat and listened to the Shamans talk about the plants, their properties, how and why they are used as well as the side effects after being in contact with the plant. As I was being told more information about what I would experience, I started to shake and feel cold as my old friend fear came in and made itself at home.

I said to the Shaman, 'What if we don't want to do this?'

The Shaman said it would be okay if we decided not to take part but it would be worth asking ourselves the reasons why and think about what was standing in our way. He said, 'Watch me first, understand that this medicine has been administered for thousands of years and you are safe.'

I watched him being served the plant. The plant was mixed and made into small balls and then blown up his nose and his physical reaction was immediate, nothing in Shamanism is pretty and this medicine was no different. It didn't look like fun, it didn't look like my idea of a great night out.

One by one the students were dispensed the medicine and each had a unique reaction to the impact. As the Shaman came to me I said to him, 'Can you make it really small?' He said, 'I'll make it hummingbird sized.' Somehow the quantity being made akin to a hummingbird made the process easier. I liked feeling connected to the hummingbird.

The Shaman told me to hold my breath and he placed the tube to my nostril and blew. The impact was immediate and I could feel my mind clear and it felt like I was experiencing pure consciousness. The physical effects were that I felt my breath become concentrated, my eyes started to water and soon mucus started to flood me and I continued to spit into tissue, allowing my body to clear. The Shaman then blew into my other nostril and I sat still, firm and surrendered to the medicine and its purpose.

The icaro and music were in full force and for some time I sat with absolute clarity experiencing and listening intently to the medicine, although the icaro could not infiltrate the continued silence of my mind.

After a while, the music ended and the Shaman came forward and said he would be the first to take sananga. He lay down and we watched the eye drops be administered and heard him breathe deeply and react physically to the painful contact. We were told that the initial pain would feel more than we could bear but it would gradually become lighter until feelings of blissfulness entered our bodies.

For this part of the ceremony I was the last person to lie down and again I whispered, 'Only hummingbird...' He said, one drop each eye, that's all.' Somehow I knew I could trust him and I lay down with my eyes open. The first drop entered me; I felt instant stinging and both my eyes closed in response, as I was encompassed by the sensation. He opened my other eye and I lay there with the medicine burning me. I felt no other pain than the searing itchiness in my eyes but I maintained concentration on my breath throughout to help me through the process.

Whilst I lay there, I soon felt feelings of bliss and weightlessness enter me. Any fear that I had experienced previously was washed away with feelings of lightness and joy. I felt my body become soft and at peace, and experienced perfect equilibrium. I lay in this state for some time experiencing a sense of harmony I hadn't encountered in a long time.

The Shaman said, 'You have learned something very important tonight about fear, that it doesn't always tell the truth and is not something you can trust.'

As I was making my journey home, I felt very aware of my surroundings. I walked down the escalators and heard a woman singing for charity, she sang 'I could have danced all night.' I gave her some money and asked if I could listen. An audience of one, I sat and listened intently to her voice and it felt like I had been given another beautiful icaro that night. When she finished we hugged and I thanked her for her gorgeous voice and floated home.

Aho.

You can find more adventures in Shamanism here: Inner Shaman Adventures

Introduction to Shamanism & the Medicine Wheel facilitated by Miguel da Silva and Gareth Hughes

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Inner Shaman Adventures - Cacao and Hawthorn Ceremony 17

**Warning - long post**

I arrived at the retreat centre alive, alight and flying. Ibiza and Jersey had been overwhelming in the most positive ways but as soon as I returned on English soil I realised I hadn't grounded and could not feel the presence of my body. Energy was swirling within and my brain couldn't settle - I was unable to concentrate on the moment and be fully present. The vessel I had been given in this lifetime felt unable to contain me.

I had so much to integrate from the festival, travelling, yoga, the space I had given myself, the ayahuasca and Ibizan sun. I also had so much to complete as the next stages of my journey unfolded and my manifestations were in harvest. I jumped from one situation to the next in the most unbalanced and uncoordinated ways, my clumsiness reaching new heights.

I knew I needed to retreat, to come back within, to fully centre in on the new energies and realisations I was embodying and integrating. I was so grateful that I had booked the Shamanic weekend months in advance so I could integrate my new world order.

The first night we drank mugwort under the autumnal dark moon beside the fire, all of us contemplating the weekend ahead. As I sat, still vibrating with ayahuasca, I relished the union of her and mugwort in my veins. The darkness of the sky settled and the stars came out to play, in silence I watched the fire lick the air and reach out to warm my body.

I was ready for cacao. I needed her to help me start the work.

I told the Shaman that my intention was to ground myself after the onslaught of last month and to figure out what to do with the new in my life.

Aho.

The card I received was 'Thunderbolt' - the picture of someone meditating as the world around them experienced destruction. I could see that was me watching my world completely sweep itself into the new but that in order to benefit I needed to remain calm.

The Shaman had used water that had been steeped in hawthorn and sunlight and mixed this in the with Shamanic dose of cacao. Somehow the hawthorn took the slight edge of bitterness away. Both plant medicines work on the heart and the healing of emotional wounds and somehow I felt there was still some healing I needed to achieve in order to fully take advantage of the changes life was throwing my way. I was able to drink more than I was used to. I drank my fill and lay down.

Old Mother Cacao appeared and I said, 'I have met a man and I don't know what to do.'

  'Darling, stay strong. You are a woman now and in the last year and a half have a learned a new way of relating. Remain steadfastly firm in your womanhood. You come from a long line of women who were very strong, but also limited by the men in their lives. In this lifetime, you are here to break that cycle. It is no coincidence that you and your sisters embody an independence the women in your bloodline could have only wished for. You are to be inter-dependent, not dependent. He is a piece of your puzzle. We brought him to you because he could be a stable foundation from which you spring from and grow. You will push each other on to new paths.'

Settled in the peaceful consistency of singledom, I had become used to independence, to the joys of living and loving myself alone. The predictability and effortlessness of waking up and being with myself felt like a natural state of being and suddenly life decided to throw me this lion maned curveball. This man had left spasmodic disturbances in his wake and rearranged a new world order for me to continuously practice my continued journey of surrender. He excites and frightens me at the same time and this, spinning with the work ayahuasca has initiated within me, I felt at a loss with how to embody the new.

  'Your gift was your heartbreak, in that space you not only survived but you flourished. Use it to remind you that you will continue to grow and learn, even in the most adverse circumstances. There is no need to be afraid - even if this relationship fell apart it would be a gift for your growth. You have nothing to fear from this man - only more lessons to learn. Give each other the gift of time and allow the path to open up naturally. Do not force anything - everything will be okay even when you think it's not.'

  'Realise what you want. But don't forget your path.'

Ayahuasca had summarised my path and called me a Shamanic Yogini, a description that encapsulated both the discipline and wildness within. She had told me that I am not to be defined by any relationship, again Old Mother Cacao said to me.

  'Darling, you will be a partner and a mother, but first and foremost you are a Shaman and you will follow that path always, it is innate within you. You will open your retreat centre and provide sanctuary for others who are in need of space. You have come so far and embodied so much, the universe can see that you are working hard - the tools for what you want to achieve are already within.'

Old Mother Cacao then transformed into Maestra Ynez, one of the Mamitas from my Ayahuasca ceremonies. She sat in front of me with her pipe and blew smoke around and all over me. I sat in a cloud of tobacco and was told that I am protected.

  'Smudge yourself regularly. You are very open right now. Protect yourself.'

I felt such all consuming love... such metta for myself, the Mamitas, this man, my people and for the Shaman. My heart opened and bloomed with such intensity I felt tears spring and flow. I saw my women around me, my sisterhood, and felt blessed with their strength and love. I realised how they reinforced and supported my path as we walked together towards surrender.

Then a memory of waking up after my ayahuasca ceremony appeared. Ape, Marie and I woke up at the same time. We looked at each other, smiled and then started laughing together. We all held hands and in that moment I realised we are all family.

My future self came to me - she was calm and stable. She said to me, 'Don't worry, darling. Remain strong and in your truth. You are in flow and life will happen.'

Aho.

You can find more adventures in Shamanism here: Inner Shaman Adventures

Cacao Ceremonies facilitated by Rebekah Shaman

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