The night before I laid down in a
circle with men and women and allowed instruments and voice to vibrate and help
tune up my vibrations, in preparation for my weekend of dance, sweat and
Cacao... As the Sound Shaman drummed and sang over my body I had a vision of
dancing around a fire with Native American brothers and sisters. I was barefoot
and barely dressed. I could then see myself kneeling on the ground, slathering
dirt all over my body in a frenzy of abandonment as freedom and blissfulness
infiltrated and overpowered me. I knew this soul memory was a tool for
guidance, to show me I still encompass freedom and blissfulness, and the tools I
need to maintain this are within.
The next day I woke, eager, but
nervous about the events that lay before me. I had met Pema at my only
Ayahuasca ceremony weekend in Spain and she had helped usher a new awakening
within. My gratitude for her knows no bounds as she had held, supported and
instructed me during my painful but important rebirth. In her I see a strength
that is unwavering and a knowledge I am only beginning to integrate.
I met up with three wonderful women
and we talked, laughed and listened as we drove into the countryside. We were
early but when others arrived, we greeted each other like long lost friends and
instantly connected - drinking tea and sharing stories.
Together we warmed up and danced -
allowing a clearer network for our Kundalini to rise - in preparation for the
lodge and the work that would be done there. The dancing was beautiful but I
knew that I would soon be entering a sweat lodge and as this whole experience
was my first time, I felt an undercurrent of anxiety within. Initially, I just
couldn't let go. I had placed myself near the edge in case I ever needed to
leave the group, I still needed to know there was a way to escape. After a
while, knowing I was safe in my area, I let the music hold me and surrendered
to natural expression.
My anxiety was underpinned by an
experience I had years back in India when my beloved friend and I went to a
Temple and I was crushed to the point of being unable to breathe by the crowds
around me. The experience had left me with a crippling claustrophobia that has
prevented me from enjoying life totally. I have been trying to address this
anxiety for years and London has been a useful tool to help me overcome a large
majority of it as I would spend evenings undertaking tube rides and pushing
myself into crowds, using my breath to work out the anxiety and fear that
arose.
But when I saw the size of the
sweat lodge, I knew I was entering a new level of work.
It. Was. Tiny.
We stood in line waiting to enter.
I was instructed to bow to Mother Earth and crawl around the sweat lodge until
I sat next to the door. One by one, each woman bowed and crawled back into the
womb of the lodge until Pema was ready to start the ceremony.
We were told there would be four
rounds (doors) to the ceremony and each door would represent ages in a women's
life - from childhood to crone. Pema instructed the fire man to bring in seven
hot stones into the pit. The heat rose dramatically and suddenly he closed the
door and we were pitched in darkness.
My heart started racing, the blood
in my veins swam around my body and the pulsing in my temples drummed loudly. I
couldn't breathe deeply - only managing shallow superficial breath - and my
body wanted to leave. NOW. My thoughts started to shout at me, 'What are you
doing? Can you get out? You are by the door - just open it and RUN.' I placed
my hand on the cooling wet mud beneath me, beside the door, as a reminder there
was a safe space nearby. I ignored every cell in my body and stayed.
Pema asked us to sing and pray
whilst we started to become accustomed to the heat rising and sweat prickling
our skins. 30 women huddled together surrounded by the elements in their
natural beauty. We sang, prayed, sweated (did I say we sweated?) together and celebrated
the first stage of our life. We shouted out advice, rose up in gratitude and
celebrated our own knowledge, wisdom and lessons. We learned ways to love our
inner child so we could find further ways to access the wise, independent,
strong women we are. We cried out, 'Aho' to one another.
'Aho, sister. Aho!'
After the first door, as the fire
man prepared for us to have a further seven stones, I pushed my face into the
cool sweet air outside, blessed by the rain for a mere minute or two, easing
the trepidation of the door closing again, and I once again faced the cavernous
womb with my sisters to celebrate the next stage of our growth through song,
and transcend the limitations of our body through fire.
As the door closed I dove my hands
into the mud; it was wet, cooling and soothing. I then wiped it over my face
and touched my chakra points with it, blessing myself. In the darkness I was
back in front of that Indian temple; my body was being pressed by others and
oxygen was leaving my lungs. Panic rose and there was no way for me to go and
black spots entered my vision. I heard the same voice shouting, 'GET OUT GET
OUT GET OUT GETOUT GETOUT GETOUT GETOUTGETOUTGETOUTGETOUT!!!!!!!'
I breathed. Deep and long. My hand
on my belly. My mind returned to the Ayahuasca ceremony and Pema's voice of
reason. 'Come on, put your hand on your stomach and breathe deeply. Feel your
breath, let your belly go in and out. In. Out. Surrender.' I had panicked in
that ceremony and an animalistic fear had taken over as I resisted.
'Get me the Shaman!' I
shouted. 'Make it stop!'
She answered, 'You are your
own Shaman. Surrender.'
Back in the sweat lodge I sat and
said to myself, 'I am my own Shaman.' My hand returned to my belly. Big long
breaths. 'I can do this. I will face this. I am my own Shaman. I will allow
surrender.'
Slowly the songs soothed me, the
heat warmed me and the darkness held me as surrender flooded my very being, I
began to take part in the ceremony.
After the third door, Pema asked if
anyone wanted to sing or pray. During my time in the ashram I learned Guru
Pooja - days and days of only reciting Sanskrit - and one verse was
reverberating. I sang this three times, with as much power as I could.
'Karpūra gauram karunāvatāram
samsara sāram bhujagendra hāram
sadā vasatham hndayāravinde
bhavam bhavāni sahitam namami'
Translation: I salute to the
merciful Bhava (Shiva) who is with his consort Parvati, adorned with the
necklace of the serpent.
After this my body shook.
Throughout the whole door I sat and shook with abandon as I allowed Shiva's
energy to transform me - showing me what isn't me. The anxiety, the fear, the
thoughts, my body... None of it is truly me and I felt His energy supporting me
and I was clearing, clearing, clearing...
The penultimate door opened and we
were given water to drink. I didn't realise we were to stay inside so I got out
of the sweat lodge but was then called back in. Stone after stone entered the
circle and the heat rose immensely. As the door closed, I sat cross legged,
with space around me. My hands in the mud and I started to sing, Three Little
Birds by Bob Marley.
'Don't worry, about a
thing...
'Cause every little thing
is gonna be alright.'
I delighted in the last door. I
felt peace, wisdom and the strength in surrender. I tasted the sweat on my arms
and revelled in the mud underneath. My dress was hitched up and my body was in
contact with Mother Earth and all her healing power.
After our prayers and songs of
gratitude, after leaving the lodge. I dunked myself into a freezing cold stream
and then sat by the fire. I listened to women's stories. I watched flames lick
the night sky. Slowly but surely women returned to the house and dressed, ate
and shared. All of us cleansed and reborn.
As I was about to leave, I hugged
Pema and she said, 'It's as powerful as a ceremony isn't it?'
It is. So so powerful.
Aho.
Shakthi dance and Sweat Lodge
facilitated by Pema - email me for details.
