It's been so long since I have written a post physically, yet, in my head I had written plenty.
Experiences and visions have continued to visit me but somehow there has been no space to sit and write, and allow them to unfold in the way they asked.
Space. In these last few months I have deeply craved the most open spaces.
I have desired the ability to stretch my body, my voice, my words... in a place I could call my own.
And even now I know these last few months have been about creating space, I have also realised I am moved by the ever present tidal pull of my childhood that continuously affects the rhythm of my life.
I had to go in before I could go out.
As we put a deposit down on a small cottage near the deer, my bank account decreased significantly as we invested our savings on the possibility of a new beginning. As I signed my name on the line, for a house I had seen for a short period of time, on my own, once, I felt crushed under the pressure of possible ramifications, haunted by mistakes I had made previously and wondering if I were about to make them again.
In the meantime, he had moved all his belongings in my noisy Wimbledonian bedroom. As our physical bodies and belongings jostled for space and the cars outside clamoured for our silence, I shrank and faced my own claustophobic demons.
In this time of transition, I moved along a rocky road from independence to partnership, and have slowly allowed myself to become an open-hearted companion to another on this life's journey. There had been times when I contracted in fear but then I could feel myself expand in vulnerability, as I consciously laid my heart open to another and allowed them to see the whole of me.
Now we have moved into our small cottage, near the deer, we are slowly creating small rituals of love. I can walk into every room and move. I wake in the morning, from entwined limbs, and extend. I feel his body next to mine but he allows me to reach for space and I reach, and reach, and reach, until I have stretched my body, my voice and now... finally, my words.
It's time to write again.
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