Stronger - Blog Post

There was a moment the other day where I felt peace, warmth and happiness. I was alone and had taken the time to cook myself food, allowed myself to nestle in blankets and feel warm. I had cocooned myself and felt safe - safer than I have felt in a long time. 

My shoulders dropped, jaw loosened, belly softened and I felt no need to be anywhere else. I was content to be with me, in my skin, by myself. 

For so long I have been fighting and trying to place pieces together that do not fit. 

In the name of what?

Safety.

Security.

Companionship. 

What I thought was love.

I have been on these ancient lands of the United Kingdom these past 10 years and what have I experienced? 

Two relationships and separations, four babies I never met, one wedding, one impending divorce, homes in five different areas, two countries, six jobs, 10 homes, two nephews born, two cars, seven holidays, eight housemates, nine bonfire nights, one pandemic, one Brexit, two Vipassana courses, countless new friends, laughter, festivals, dinners, sunsets, sun and moon rises, shamanic journeys, clients, plants, train/bus/coach/plane/car journeys, mountains climbed, seas, rivers and lakes swam in, songs sang and danced to and warm baths. So many cuddles, kisses, saying, 'I love you', yogic moments, walks, deer spotting, drums played, meals cooked and received, miles driven, flat-pack furniture bought and put together, tears shed, therapy sessions, smiles given and received, deep conversations, cacao and other plant ceremonies, essays written, feelings of alignment and disconnection, pictures painted, poems written and nature constantly, constantly, communicating with me. So much love, happiness and sadness wrapped in a decade, all in the quest to know and understand myself better - this spirit within this human body I inhabit. 

My only constant is that I have consistently been on the move and that I have lived and loved with my whole heart.

I remember when I came for my Social Work interview in Brighton and afterwards eating in a noodle bar. I thought to myself, I wonder what I will experience if I take this step? Never, not in a million years, did I believe I would have done everything I have done and met some of the most amazing, delicious people to grace this planet, some of whom will be life long friends. 

And I am planning to move again - this time with the intent to root and slow down, in a space I can call mine. So I no longer feel like I am tumbling, buffeted by the wind, with no safety net, where I can continue to feel this peace, stability, safety and security whilst feeling rooted within. 

So may it be. 

I look forward to seeing what the next decade will bring...

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You would - Blog Post

I think one of the reasons I keep this blog is just so I can remember as I get older. I am not sure if anyone even reads these words, but sometimes I go through my stories, poems and blog posts just so I can recreate that moment in my mind and really honour the memory.

In the last few years, I haven't written that much. To be honest, there have been some days where just getting through the day was accomplishment enough. Yet somehow, I long to sparkle through the written word again, I ache to feel the magic in my hands as prose, poetry, content and form just flow through me, as if I were a servant to the creative process. I know now that it needs to be as much of a discipline than a joy as time and motivation can be subsumed by hot Epsom salt baths and Netflix.

And what of now? What is the memory I wish to capture as I live the contrast of experience? I need to somehow capture a little before you become sepia toned and just another story to my cannon. 

I miss you.

There are songs I cannot listen to, places I cannot visit, memories I cannot recount and there's this emptiness in my belly that used to be filled by the sound of your voice, the experience of your touch and the warmth of your body as you would pull me in and spoon me all through the night. I felt secure in your presence, safe in your arms and as we would hug, snuggle and nestle in, it felt warm and tender. The love was soft, quiet and gentle.

You would let me sit on your knees if I came into your office, even though there were other chairs, and we would share our day - we would share the highs and lows, accomplishments, achievements and areas of growth. We would laugh or commiserate with one another and then follow it up with either a walk or dinner or both. The love was routine, mundane and secure. 

You would look deeply into my hazels with your greens and I would sink into your gaze. There were times when you looked so inviting, warm and sparkling. You would talk about your truth, perception and views with such passion, so focused on your calling, community and goals. No one and nothing would ever stop you from fulfilling your path. The love was fierce, directed and strong. 

You would sometimes pick me up in the car and always had a snack in case I got hungry. You'd send me sweaty post workout pictures and be so proud when you had accomplished something. You would have dinner and Netflix waiting, always so tasty and satisfying. You would let me stroke and scratch your beard. The love was protective, caring and comforting.

You would set up camp, drive the car, save the spiders and drink cacao. You would joke around but never let me win at Scrabble. You would use your drill, put up my pictures and let me choose where they should hang. You would make the best desserts, especially when I couldn't. You would laugh until your stomach ached when we played 'Cards Against Humanity'. You would cry at all the films. The love was sweet, innocent and joyous.

You would get a bowl when I was nauseous and let me watch my shows in bed for days and days. You bought me the best present for my birthdays. You would read to me and let me fall asleep in your arms. You would watch fireworks from the bedroom window and take me to the best bonfires if I could make it. You would put your hand down the toilet bowl if needed and stop the car if the road was too bumpy. You laughed at my drug induced humour after the operation and held me close when the tears flowed. The love was unexpected, warm and subtle.

Hands down - our weddings were some of the best days of my life so far. 

I miss you.

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