“Ah, this longing, this search,
will never leave you,” she said.
“I don’t know if that is a
blessing or a curse,” she replied.
“I guess that depends on how
you view it…”
Sitting in her friend’s kitchen, looking out at the garden, watching
the weather turn to an English grey, she played with the grey in her own hair.
“I thought that once we left
the ashram it would stop, that I would find peace and stability.”
Her friend laughed, “Oh honey, once we left the ashram, the adventure began.
I mean, look at us… Between us, have we been able to stay put for long?”
She was right. Stability eluded at us at every step, it wasn’t a path
for either of us… He made sure of that. He made sure we understood that there
is only one goal for us, whether we wanted it or not. The seed was planted and
come what may it was trying to break out, to branch and grow. He had made us so that we grow from even the muddiest pond or river and, no matter what the
condition of the water, we regulate our own temperature.
“But it’s been so long since I
was there – surely I can move on from that time in my life?’ I asked.
“Honey, it will never leave
you, you are like a lotus and can revive even after stagnation,” she said. “What
else is there for you except enlightenment? Everything else is a mere stepping
stone and nothing else will satisfy you… You are not a child of the masses,
willing to imbibe the nonsense along the way. You knew, have always known,
there is only one goal. You knew, and have always known, that every step is
only towards that goal. You have been given the tools, and now you are being
banged into shape so you start to use them.”
“Oh but I want to find pleasure
in the every day, I don’t want to do this. It all seems so hard.”
“Have you not tried finding
pleasure in the every day? What did you find? Anything?” she asked.
“I found fleeting moments,” she
said.
“And where are they now?” she
replied.
“They’re gone," she said. "They’ve
all gone. And now… Now I don’t even know who I am anymore.”
“Honey, they are only crumbs. How
long will you keep running? When will you become tired? Don’t you want the big
feast? Don’t you want bliss? Don’t you want to recognise what is within you?”
“But I am so tired,” she said,
her head momentarily dropping down and reaching the table, the coolness of the
wood touching her skin.
