Inner Shaman Adventures - Cacao Ceremony 18

Cacao calls me in my dreams.

I sat in The Shaman's space for the last time this year and reflected on the journey I have undertaken. As the autumnal feminine grows, the nights become darker and warmth travels to Southern climes I realised I felt a stronger need to be in my own space to sit and listen to nature's call.

I came to cacao with the intention to integrate what I experienced and to gain further clarity on my new plans for the next year. I pulled the card, 'Experiencing' and I saw this woman who was revelling in the present moment and in communion with a tree. I understood that a part of integration is to be in the moment, realise my part in nature and to always heed her call.

I lay down to journey and fell in and out of consciousness. As I came back into consciousness I felt a complete sense of peacefulness and nothing else and realised that experiencing is about appreciating the moment that I am in. As I lay there I let go of the expectation that Old Mother Cacao would join me. There was no need to force the situation.

  'The flow is the plan.'

Suddenly, I had a vision of me with a baby at my breast and feeling a complete sense of calmness. It flashed away again and I was in darkness.

Soon after Old Mother Cacao arrived and she gave me a pipe. We sat in front of each other and took turns to blow the smoke on each other's body, providing our interaction with the creation of a sacred space. Old Mother Cacao was starting to teach me the ways of a Shaman.

  'Soon you will start to work with plants differently. However, don't forget ayahuasca's lesson. Write. Integrate. Speak. Remember. Implement.'

I nodded and knew that my new job and relationship had taken up so much of my head space I had no time to sit with the work ayahuasca had given me.

  'You need to plan Peru. It is no coincidence that so many people want to sit in the circle of the Mamitas in Peru with you.'

I saw a vision of him, some of my friends and my sister sitting in a circle in front of the Mamitas in Peru - waiting for the medicine to take effect. To make this vision happen I would need to focus steadily on my own goals as I know that I have a tendency to spread myself too thinly and try and encompass all the needs, priorities and goals of others.

The Shaman asked us to bring our future selves in front of us. In came a heavily pregnant me, she waddled towards me and said, 'I'm so proud of you. You are going to make a great mother. Remain in the flow and surrender. Don't worry if life does not work in the order you have wished it to be - life will manifest as it is meant.'

I pulled the last guidance card, which was 'The Fool', the card had a picture of a man holding a bunch of flowers stepping off a cliff. The description says, 'The card indicates that if you trust your intuition right now, your feeling of the 'rightness' of things, you cannot go wrong. Your actions may appear 'foolish' to others, or even to yourself, if you try to analyse them with the rational mind. But the 'zero' place occupied by the Fool is the numberless number where trust and innocence are the guides, not skepticism and past experience.'

I am ready to be guided by my feelings of what feels right.

Aho. 

You can find more adventures in Shamanism here: Inner Shaman Adventures

Cacao Ceremonies facilitated by Rebekah Shaman

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Inner Shaman Adventures - Cacao and Hawthorn Ceremony 17

**Warning - long post**

I arrived at the retreat centre alive, alight and flying. Ibiza and Jersey had been overwhelming in the most positive ways but as soon as I returned on English soil I realised I hadn't grounded and could not feel the presence of my body. Energy was swirling within and my brain couldn't settle - I was unable to concentrate on the moment and be fully present. The vessel I had been given in this lifetime felt unable to contain me.

I had so much to integrate from the festival, travelling, yoga, the space I had given myself, the ayahuasca and Ibizan sun. I also had so much to complete as the next stages of my journey unfolded and my manifestations were in harvest. I jumped from one situation to the next in the most unbalanced and uncoordinated ways, my clumsiness reaching new heights.

I knew I needed to retreat, to come back within, to fully centre in on the new energies and realisations I was embodying and integrating. I was so grateful that I had booked the Shamanic weekend months in advance so I could integrate my new world order.

The first night we drank mugwort under the autumnal dark moon beside the fire, all of us contemplating the weekend ahead. As I sat, still vibrating with ayahuasca, I relished the union of her and mugwort in my veins. The darkness of the sky settled and the stars came out to play, in silence I watched the fire lick the air and reach out to warm my body.

I was ready for cacao. I needed her to help me start the work.

I told the Shaman that my intention was to ground myself after the onslaught of last month and to figure out what to do with the new in my life.

Aho.

The card I received was 'Thunderbolt' - the picture of someone meditating as the world around them experienced destruction. I could see that was me watching my world completely sweep itself into the new but that in order to benefit I needed to remain calm.

The Shaman had used water that had been steeped in hawthorn and sunlight and mixed this in the with Shamanic dose of cacao. Somehow the hawthorn took the slight edge of bitterness away. Both plant medicines work on the heart and the healing of emotional wounds and somehow I felt there was still some healing I needed to achieve in order to fully take advantage of the changes life was throwing my way. I was able to drink more than I was used to. I drank my fill and lay down.

Old Mother Cacao appeared and I said, 'I have met a man and I don't know what to do.'

  'Darling, stay strong. You are a woman now and in the last year and a half have a learned a new way of relating. Remain steadfastly firm in your womanhood. You come from a long line of women who were very strong, but also limited by the men in their lives. In this lifetime, you are here to break that cycle. It is no coincidence that you and your sisters embody an independence the women in your bloodline could have only wished for. You are to be inter-dependent, not dependent. He is a piece of your puzzle. We brought him to you because he could be a stable foundation from which you spring from and grow. You will push each other on to new paths.'

Settled in the peaceful consistency of singledom, I had become used to independence, to the joys of living and loving myself alone. The predictability and effortlessness of waking up and being with myself felt like a natural state of being and suddenly life decided to throw me this lion maned curveball. This man had left spasmodic disturbances in his wake and rearranged a new world order for me to continuously practice my continued journey of surrender. He excites and frightens me at the same time and this, spinning with the work ayahuasca has initiated within me, I felt at a loss with how to embody the new.

  'Your gift was your heartbreak, in that space you not only survived but you flourished. Use it to remind you that you will continue to grow and learn, even in the most adverse circumstances. There is no need to be afraid - even if this relationship fell apart it would be a gift for your growth. You have nothing to fear from this man - only more lessons to learn. Give each other the gift of time and allow the path to open up naturally. Do not force anything - everything will be okay even when you think it's not.'

  'Realise what you want. But don't forget your path.'

Ayahuasca had summarised my path and called me a Shamanic Yogini, a description that encapsulated both the discipline and wildness within. She had told me that I am not to be defined by any relationship, again Old Mother Cacao said to me.

  'Darling, you will be a partner and a mother, but first and foremost you are a Shaman and you will follow that path always, it is innate within you. You will open your retreat centre and provide sanctuary for others who are in need of space. You have come so far and embodied so much, the universe can see that you are working hard - the tools for what you want to achieve are already within.'

Old Mother Cacao then transformed into Maestra Ynez, one of the Mamitas from my Ayahuasca ceremonies. She sat in front of me with her pipe and blew smoke around and all over me. I sat in a cloud of tobacco and was told that I am protected.

  'Smudge yourself regularly. You are very open right now. Protect yourself.'

I felt such all consuming love... such metta for myself, the Mamitas, this man, my people and for the Shaman. My heart opened and bloomed with such intensity I felt tears spring and flow. I saw my women around me, my sisterhood, and felt blessed with their strength and love. I realised how they reinforced and supported my path as we walked together towards surrender.

Then a memory of waking up after my ayahuasca ceremony appeared. Ape, Marie and I woke up at the same time. We looked at each other, smiled and then started laughing together. We all held hands and in that moment I realised we are all family.

My future self came to me - she was calm and stable. She said to me, 'Don't worry, darling. Remain strong and in your truth. You are in flow and life will happen.'

Aho.

You can find more adventures in Shamanism here: Inner Shaman Adventures

Cacao Ceremonies facilitated by Rebekah Shaman

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Birth - Blog Post

Normally when I write a blog post I just write about one thing that has happened. I will focus on the incident or feeling, drill it down to see the effect it has had and then look at how I will incorporate it into my life going forward... But this last month and a half has brought such a whirlwind of change and connection into my world that I want to capture it before it becomes my new world order. I guess the next series of blog posts will be focusing on each aspect of the change that has occurred in such a short space of time, so I apologise now for my indulgence!

August was heady with friendship and conversation as I bounced from one lovely person to the next, allowing our words to drift over the river Thames, which then took me across the Channel to my rock in the sea. I bathed in companionship and family and received a text from my sister in law, saying that she was willing her son to arrive so his Zia would be able to meet him. 

Past midnight my phone buzzed, I looked at the screen and saw that my brother texted, 'Her waters have broken!'

Unable to contain my excitement, I peeked inside my mother's room, but I could see sleep had already claimed her for the night so left her in peace. I then peered into my father's room, the dog barked furiously as I entered her domain, so my Dad lifted his head. 

  'Her waters have broken!' I whispered excitedly.

  'He'll come tomorrow,' he said calmly, like a man who has experienced four children of his own, and then he and the dog promptly went back to sleep. 

I sat in the spare room with adrenalin rushing through me as I thought about another being entering this world and the journey he would have with my brother and sister in law that night, and the many nights to come. I marvelled at the miracle of birth and fully felt joy in the knowledge that my family would grow and be abundant. I was excited to meet my nephew and felt such deep gratitude that I had chosen the right day to be there and a part of the experience. 

I also wondered at the transformation of my brother and how I have watched him since birth as a baby, turn into a child and then grow into teenager and a man. I realised that I now had the privilege to watch this gentle and gorgeous man become a father and grow with love, as his world takes on new meanings.

Life brought a new being into this world, ready to start his own journey of love.

I can't wait to see what happens...

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