Inner Shaman Adventures - The Way of the Shaman

After my cacao ceremony, where I was asked to find a teacher, I found a course that resonated. I had read Michael Harner's, 'Way of the Shaman' a while back and knew that in Shamanic circles he was viewed to have integrity. So I contacted the UK Faculty of the Foundation for Shamanic Studies and went to the basic workshop taught by Marta Niccolai.

I danced and sang, drummed and rattled, swam and retrieved. Under the guidance of the Shaman I was able to journey deeper into the heartlands of the other worlds.

Yet most of all I listened, listened deeply to truth and allowed it all to resonate with me and my growth.

In one session, I was told by the spirit of a stone, 'Follow my heart, it will lead me in the right direction, even when alone I am on the right path. But, see things how they are not how I would like them to be. A tiny action contributes to the greater whole, allow yourself to be cleansed by spirit and consider all the elements as a guide. Every challenge can be overcome, don't take life so seriously.'

After the weekend I felt alive, vibrant and keen to keep exploring. Later on that week, fresh from a cancellation from a Consultant's appointment, I could hear Wimbledon Common's call and I felt bound to respond.

As I walked on her familiar pathways, I felt myself rejoice in this reunion. Her energy entered me and I felt swallowed by her power, strength and teachings. It was like being with a long lost friend whose connection traversed lifetimes.

In the common, I danced my spirit animals and cried their song. And then I watched them run around me as I entered deeper into the Common's womb and felt a song burst forth that I sang over and over again.

'Power comes from within.

Energy is all there is,

Love is all there is,

I am all there is.'

Until different songs that also came from nowhere kept pouring forth.

I found myself singing for nature, her pain and incessant torture, I sang in love for her and for all that is included in her. Words, song, words, song, words and song kept pouring forth as my heart opened in honour of the power within me and my ancestors, the planet and the elements. Rain washed my face and hair clean and as I finally entered Richmond Park. I saw the deer prick their ears in interest, staring at the woman who couldn't stop singing songs so deeply honouring the source.

Until I could sing no more.

It was the best cancellation of a Consultant's appointment I have ever had.

Aho.

The Way of The Shaman basic workshop in core shamanism was taught by Marta Nicolai

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Movement - Blog Post

Photo by Mark Tacatani

I learnt long ago to always watch nature's season change. In the trees, I notice the light, colour, shed and fullness. I try to embody and follow her patterns, a slave to the equinoxes that balance out my years. She doesn't speak to me in words, she shows me in movement. I rise in excitement in spring, I'm at my most energetic in summer, I detox and shed in autumn and I retreat in winter. When I sit with her I feel full.

It now makes sense to me.

I learnt long ago to always watch a person's actions. In their words they may say everything I want to hear but if I don't notice the smile and love in their eyes, or feel it in their touch or see willingness in their presence, I have now chosen to be cautious. So many times I fell for words, believing them delicious and filling, but now I see. When I sat with them I was always hungry.

It now makes sense to me.

He told me I was a coward for not trusting in his words. Yet I would wonder at my dreams when he would flee every time and I would wake up shivering, grasping, stretching my hand out so I could feel his body. I ask him before I sleep, 'Will you promise you will be here in the morning?' He always faithfully promises me and when I wake he is always there.

I may struggle to learn to trust his words but I absolutely have learnt to trust his movement, light, colour, shed and fullness. I see the smile and love in his eyes, feel myself melt against his touch and know he is truly present in his presence. And I have no reason to be cautious. When I sit with him I feel full.

It now makes sense to me.

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Inner Shaman Adventures - Cacao Ceremony 22

St Ouen's beach - taken by me

I decided to journey with cacao alone to deepen my connection with her and continue the work.

I opened space, set up my altar and then cooked, sang, rattled, danced smudged, and called in the spirits - whilst allowing her to bubble and melt and become thick enough for drinking.

I sat in front of cacao, in front of the altar, and prayed my intentions to create space in me for my next steps, whatever they may be and I drank her deeply, breathing her in. I pulled the card, 'Courage.'

I laid down to the sound of drumming and instantly I was on St Ouen beach, in Jersey. I walked to the edge of the sea and found myself swimming in very dangerous rip tides, the waves huge and overwhelming as the surf crushed my body repeatedly. I became aware that my understanding of the sea is so very different when I am at the edge compared to being in its midst, but as I saw a dolphin nearby, I understood I would also never have the perspective of the sea the dolphin has. I rode the waves back to the shore and walked towards a tunnel and gate, which opened up to a jungle.

As soon as I was there a jaguar was beside me. As I walked deeper and deeper into the jungle she padded alongside. Soon I found the clearing and waited on my tree stump for Old Mother Cacao. The jaguar paced around me, unable to settle, until Old Mother Cacao entered.

The drumming took over and I wove in and out of consciousness, I felt the drum on my base, heart and throat chakra - every beat dug a deeper hole. Soon black sludge vomited out of me and with every drum beat a little more until black poured out at an alarming rate, my body too small to have physically kept all this in.

As soon as the black leaves, my body became clear and I started to shake violently on the floor. I shook until colour entered each chakra and I lay there, the brightest rainbow. Old Mother Cacao walked up to me and blew mapacho on to me and said, 'Very good.'

  'Allow yourself to shine, my darling. Do not be afraid of who you are. You need to take me further, take me to those who are suffering.'

  'You need to take the next steps in Shamanism, you need to find a Master.'

I agreed I would.

  'The jaguar is your spirit guide, she will protect you in the lower world.'

Glowing, I hugged Old Mother Cacao and she entered into my energetic body. The jaguar and I walked back to the gate and I told her that I would return.

Once I returned to St Ouen, I walked back to the edge of the sea and then swam in her magical waters. The sea was much calmer and I surfed the waves with ease, playing in the water.

Aho.

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Her - Poem

I smell her

As I crumble and chop.

The medicine

Melting on my fingers

Entering my bloodstream.

I smell her

As I stir the water.

The medicine,

Dissolving and swelling,

Playfully becoming.

I feel her

As I sing icaro.

The medicine

dancing to the rhythm 

of the rattle and voice.

I taste her,

As I bring to my lips

The medicine.

Thick, brown, warm and bitter

entering my body.

I taste her

As the liquid flows on.

The medicine

opens and heals my heart,

crucial operation.

I love her

As Old Mother Cacao.

The medicine

takes me into her arms,

dispels fear and gives hope.

I love her,

As I embrace healing.

The medicine,

Wanting the best for me,

prescribes me vital work.

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Photo of me taken by my sister.

Inner Shaman Adventures - Cacao Ceremony 21

I sent out a call to family and friends and they answered. On the due date of our second baby, my birthday, I chose to bring love in its physical form to my house, our home. My sister arrived on the Friday night and friends came the next day. We travelled and met in Bushy Park and started the process of returning to Old Mother Cacao.

Within the circle of trees, with a beautiful canopy to protect us, we created space, a circle representing the rhythms of life. As we smudged, hugged and spoke our intentions, we connected and communed, opening our hearts and lives to one another.

My intention was to create the space for fertility to blossom within me, naturally. Despite the myriad tests, vials of blood and urine, discussions with Doctors, there is a need to find a bloom within me that is beyond science.

As I lay down, I wondered how it had been so long for me to lie in nature again, to be with Old Mother, as she allowed me to listen to what my heart truly has to say. I saw the pattern of the leaves against the sky and soon closed my eyes as the warmth of cacao enveloped me.

She was there.

She came to me and looked me up and down.

  'What a mess, my darling. Look at you.'

She very carefully blew mapacho at my whole body. She then excavated each chakra and took out rotten cores - putrid, smelly, and scraped out what was no longer of use. Each area was cleared and cleaned and then the gaping holes were filled with mapacho and cacao. I stood in front of her allowing myself to be eviscerated and throughout she says to me, 'Where have you been? What have you been doing to yourself?'

I looked down at myself - my core now filled with cacao, splattered all over me, daubed brown, dripping, bitter tasting, I could feel the medicine at work, at play. The medicine carousing in my blood stream.

Humbled, I realised how far I had come from the natural world, how my journey had strayed from the Old Mother and her powerful teachings.

  'To be fertile means to be creative. You are restricting your creativity, if this cannot flow then fertile ground cannot remain.

  How often are you writing, my darling?'

I had picked up food instead of the pen and had been mashing, pulverising, blending, whisking, chopping and kneading on a regular basis - recipes that take hours to create and minutes to destroy.

  'It's not enough, you need your words. Your language is your most fundamental mode of creative expression but you do not take the time to sit and allow creative forces to arrive.'

I understood. Somehow, I had let writing and cacao take a back seat as other, more seemingly pressing areas seemed to take precedent. I knew I needed to allow creativity to flow back in my veins.'

She berated me, 'Darling, being in ceremony, being with me in this way, is a part of your journey so you can share the light with others and they can find their own truth. Share me, be a part of me, hold me in ceremony for others. Do not turn away from me, I'm also a part of your journey towards truth. Do you not remember what Aya said? You have been initiated. It is time. People will come.'

I nodded. I knew that I need to hold space for cacao to do her work for others, that the planet needed this more than ever as we face evermore destructive forces.

  'Try not to force life. Life will happen in the way that it is meant. If you have or do not have children, your creativeness is your fertility. Your round belly is a source of life, not just for children but for all birth.'

I picked the card, 'Intensity', 'You have not to be a follower, an imitator. You have to be an original individual; you have to find your innermost core on your own, with no guide, no guiding scriptures. It is a dark night but with the intense fire of inquiry you are bound to come to the sunrise.'

To do that I need to follow my heart, to allow my creative forces to arise from within and be allowed expression.

Aho.

You can find more adventures in Shamanism here: Inner Shaman Adventures

Cacao Ceremony facilitated by Carmen Saccone

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Gratitude - Blog Post

Photo by Carl Attard

  'So, what are you grateful for?' he asked, as we stretch out in bed after meditating, fresh from metta.
  'Well... I am grateful for you, this bed, this house, the safety we experience on this street... and then my list would continue, including various people, items, experiences, qualities until I feel satisfied with my daily quota. 'What about you?'

It is the same conversation we have practically every morning. Our list of appreciation, of love.

Amongst the milieu of death I have found a new appreciation for life. The last year, which included the death of my beloved Uncle and two babies, has left me with a clarity I cherish beyond words.

I notice everything now. I observe, see, and try my very hardest not to grasp or cling.

I get excited by the budding and blooming of flowers and leaves, I see animals and am deeply grateful for the role they play in our lives and love to see the dogs, cats, birds and deer on my daily walk into work. Watching this joyful spring unfold has been powerful, as the cyclical return to light releases my need to hibernate.

I am in love with the soft rhythm of my week as I start baking and cooking for the week ahead, gathering fresh clean clothes - dissipating with the old in the house and allowing the new to enter.  Preparing, creating, nurturing, allowing and being - revelling in the change and space I create.

I deeply cherish the process of transformation, of refinement and growth, as I continually make adjustments to accommodate the new. In the process of learning about fertility alone, we have thrown out plastic and destructive chemicals, we have eschewed sugar, caffeine, processed food and are taking so many supplements that if you shook us we would rattle. We have become healthier... cleaner... willing...

I am so deeply in love with now.

One of my favourite meditations is to become so actively involved with the breath that the process of breathing becomes a love affair. I notice how the breath enters my body in such an intimate way, experiencing me so deeply with such involvement before showing me how important it is that we remain detached from the experience so the breath can leave and then return. I find it overwhelming at times, this finite but beautiful, gorgeous process... forever teaching me something deeper about how we are to experience this gift of being human.

Without the medicine of death, I would not be able to understand life. Without the squeeze and sucker punch of grief, I would not be able to understand the depth and freedom of breath. Without the gift of tears, I would not be able to wash myself clean. I have been emptied and yet I am full.

I am so grateful.

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