So Fear thought it could come and play. Fear came in and said, 'Hi honey, I'm home' and being the welcoming person I like to think I am, I automatically welcomed her in my body.
'Hi Fear, it's been a while. What are you up to these days?
'Ah well you know - a bit of this, a bit of that. Caused chaos in a lot of people's minds so they couldn't listen to their hearts and follow the path they set out for themselves. Great fun. Good times.'
I watched Fear make itself comfy in the seat of my mind - I could almost see Fear make itself a cup of tea and eat a piece of cake. 'So what are we going to do today, Leah? I think we should play.'
Before I knew it Fear started to wreck havoc in my mind, body and energy. Her play was out of control and I noticed I couldn't sleep properly, my appetite was off kilter and my mind was racing and fixating on areas of my life that cause me the most vulnerability. Fear was having the time of her life, playing with my life. I stood there trembling and thought, this is not my kind of play. I don't want this anymore. Fear needed to leave but I felt so helpless trying to shove her out of my body. What could I do?
What could I do?
Oh, Cacao. I bow at your roots. I will let you play in my body always. Come and help me evict Fear. Together let us find the road between my mind and my heart.
To the Shaman I went and sat on my cushion. She asked me my intention, I tell her I have felt destabilised since the eclipse, I have come to find my balance again. Aho. I pulled the card, 'The Source'.
We drank in silence - Cacao was more bitter than usual - I almost wanted to heave at the taste of her but I kept her down, within, because I knew I needed her help.
'What are you so scared of?'
I almost shed tears at our reunion. It had only been a month but I feel most at home in her presence. Old Mother Cacao sat in front of me, holding my hands. 'There is nothing to fear my darling. You are never alone.'
I saw a vision of me on my hands and knees - first on a yoga mat in a bamboo hut in South America crying, screaming and getting all that does not serve me out of my body. Then the vision of me on my hands and knees moved from the hut into a hospital. I was in labour and a child was willing me to push him out into this world. He was a beautiful baby boy and this was the second time I saw him, the first being during my first Ayahuasca ceremony.
To be honest, to see me become a mother in Ayahuasca was a surprise as I have never thought of myself as a mother and never felt it as a calling in this life. Yet here he came again.
'Honey, you need to go to South America next year. It has to happen.'
I will make this happen - in no uncertain terms, nothing can brook my determination to be with the Mamitas again so they can facilitate the next part of this journey.
'But why am I so full of Fear?' I asked her. She held my hands and said, 'Trust that this process you are going through is important, that life has set this up so you can learn. You need to understand, this situation is no accident and you need it for your growth. By Christmas you will know about him. It is not long now. By Christmas you will know everything and next year you can feel more secure with the decisions that will be made. But be careful about your expectations, try not to force life before it's ready. Your expectations are stopping you from seeing life as it really is.'
Is there anything else I need to know?
'Let go in love and trust it will all work out either way. He has to come to his own realisations before he comes home - he is not ready. Don't let fear disable you any longer.'
I felt pressure on my 3rd eye for a very long time whilst the rest of my body went into deep relaxation. She said to me, 'Relax - it will all be fine. You are on your path, your journey. What needs to happen does not need any pressure. Be what you need to be for yourself - you don't need someone to validate you. Go back to the source, your source, and take strength from that.' I saw a vision of me and people around the world meditating, seeking their source from the love and light that is around us.
The Shaman asked us to bring our future selves in front of us. I saw her, Leah, she was around 60 years old or so and she had long grey hair. She was a crone but looked just like me, though there were wrinkles and lines on her face - she was so happy and enthusiastic about seeing me, her eyes were alight.'
'Oh my darling! Your life is so magical! Everything you see, know and have right now will change. Everything is going to change completely for you. The next part of your life is going to be so amazing and you will grow with so much love, wisdom and understanding. Life will always be up and down but trust that you will be fine. I promise you, everything will be fine.'
'Will he remain in my life?'
She laughed, 'Darling, I will not tell you. Not knowing is just as important for your growth. Just trust that whatever happens is right for you.' She hugged me with so much love and enthusiasm. 'There is so much magic! Your life is magical!'
The Shaman asked if Cacao had a gift for us. Old Mother Cacao gave me a gift of a baby. I took the baby in my arms and fell in love with the bundle of joy and magic.
I pulled the guidance card, 'Thunderbolt' - It was of a person in meditation whilst lightening, fire and the world was in flames. Stability even in the most unstable times. The Shaman said, 'Don't attach yourself to the outside. Come back to yourself. Let go of expectations.'
I came out of the ceremony and noticed the empty cup and crumbs of cake on a plate, and that Fear was nowhere to be found.
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Cacao Ceremonies facilitated by: http://www.rebekahshaman.com/
