Thursday 19 March 2020

Coronavirus - Blog Post

Image by Bessi from Pixabay 

The planet is rejoicing - the air and water are cleaner, animals are safer and calm has infiltrated the most chaotic spaces. Mother Earth is having her time. It's like she has sent us humans to the naughty corner to think about what we have done. 

And what have we done? We have continued, without respite, to inflict abuse, pain, horror and heartbreak on Her. Without thought for balance, suddenly nature is fighting back and trying to make sure we finally understand our place. 

The human race can be so easily obliterated. It is only because of love that we are still here. We are loved more than we know each moment of every day. The air we breathe, the water we drink, the ground we walk on, the creation that abounds around us is love in action, a love we take for granted and have become complacent about.

During this time, it is important that we also love. Whether that is by following the social distancing rules, self-isolation, checking in with ourselves, family, friends and community to ensure they have the physical and emotional support needed. It is also a time of reflection to return our love to Mother Earth and to see how we can change moving forward so that we help maintain and respect the delicate balance in the exchange of love.

What we receive from Mother Earth is unconditional, she is our greatest teacher. One night I woke up with my chest constricted and struggling to breathe. She told me, 'This is how I feel everyday. You are choking me with your cars, oil, factories and manufacturing. I cannot breathe. If I cannot breathe, please understand, you are not able to breathe.' I gasped and then cried when I realised what we are doing to her. 

I wake up everyday with the heavy load of grief on my chest and she told me, 'Moment to moment you are killing your brethren: the animals, fish, forests and fauna. There is no reverence for the old ways when the cycles of life and death were followed and you show disrespect to all I have created when you kill on purpose, without conscious assent from that being. Although the dead are still a part of me, they no longer support the living functioning of our existence and so the cycle is upset.'

Last night, I woke in high anxiety with voices around me seeking help on what to do, how to understand, and I heard her say, 'Come home and listen, look and reflect on what changes need to be made so we can live in harmony. Meditate and look within so you can truly understand what is within is with - out. The human race are in dis-ease and are no longer guided by love so have become out of step with the rhythms of this planet. The human race need to regain perspective and truly open their hearts to what is, not what they would like things to be.'

This is a time to open our hearts and ask Mother Earth how we can be and what we can do so that harmony can re-emerge. She is warning us. But this is no longer a time for fear, it is a time of love. As a human race we need to submit, lean into and let go into this temporary enforced rest so that we have been provided so that we can re-emerge into more loving, caring beings, willing to work in harmony with, not against, our Mother.

Aho.



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Tuesday 17 March 2020

Letting Go - Blog Post

I was hauling a brown splattered 17kg suitcase through the mud of Bushy Park just a day after I had passed the majority of my third baby and all that entails. We had just buried little Noodle with their other siblings by the tree we had chosen nearly two years ago.

As we were trawling through, I looked up at the sky and said, 'Why are you pushing me to my limit?'

And I heard a voice say, 'Let go and all will come.'


The day I heard that I had lost this little one I had to make my way to a friend's house over an hour away. Diving into overcrowded, claustrophobic tubes, doubling over with cramp, I sweated my way to a hug and a goodbye as she left to look after her relative. I grabbed a hot water bottle, sat down and let the warmth of the water seep into my abdomen, which was indignant as I had allowed another internal scanner to poke, push and annoy.

Sitting on that couch, I soon experienced a sense of blissfulness. I fell into the deepest gratitude as I was so grateful for this pregnancy, one that took over a year to achieve. I was so thankful for every single hormonal signal - from the positive pregnancy test, the sore breasts, the bloating and nausea to the increased saliva and deep deep exhaustion. Food never tasted better, sleep never felt so refreshing and the knowledge that a little life had chosen to grace my uterus with their presence was gratifying and humbling. I promised myself this time that I would love every second of the pregnancy and I did. I relished every single second of being a mama and immersed myself in the maternal love kept only for this little being.

That evening, I felt this deep joy and relaxed deeper and deeper, knowing it wouldn't last forever and that the inevitable pain of attachment would soon catch up. I tasted sweetness from the cup of gratitude and allowed my body to submit and let go - glowing, free and relaxed.

That evening, a friend sent me information about a film maker called Richard Martini who speaks about how miscarriages can occur for the spiritual development of the parents. Since reading up on him, I have been guided to read, 'Letting Go' by David R Hawkins and 'Ask and It Is Given' by Esther and Jerry Hicks. I have had dreams instructing me to meditate and I am trying to come back into my body slowly.

Clearly, this is another opportunity for spiritual growth and development that I need to work on although I am a very slow learner at the best of times.

Though I was provided a taste of how I could feel if I just let go, I know I am resisting and as a consequence feel a build up of anger, pain, upset, hurt and can feel myself drowning into waves of this. I find it difficult to find peace and see myself react, react react.

Because, for me, nothing feels right after experiencing deep maternal loss. Physically, emotionally, hormonally, spiritually and in relationship to any or everything. I feel off kilter, unlike myself and raw - as if layers of my skin has been hacked off and my sores are left to bleed. I find human interaction exhausting, limiting and frustrating. In Real Life, I have found nobody who can truly understand how lonely, sad, painful, brutal, traumatising and heartbreaking repeated miscarriage is and so I know it is only up to me to brave this initiation, find a way through and learn.

I keep being told that it is up to me to choose the way forward, that I can make the decision to be joyful whilst processing this grief healthily, so I can heal and set myself free. I know the universe is on my side and will help me to learn. In the meantime, I will just take one day at a time and trust that it is possible even if I am not there yet.


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