'My hands are my source. They destroy, form and cross bridges - they clarify knowledge and give meaning to my voice which is sometimes weak with hurt, sometimes strong from joy' ~ extract taken from, 'And So I Sit'.
As the pregnancy test signified Life, I swayed and revelled in her dance. I allowed Life to flow and welcomed her signs. Life caressed and soothed me, she reached out and said, 'Come, we can play this game together'.
Life was ecstatic with her creation - she cavorted, glimmered and sparkled and I was entranced. I felt her fingers stroke my skin and her body cuddle into mine. I was comforted, held and supported and she whispered to me her dreams.
'This little one is forming, my darling'.
My body obeyed and revelled in growth - hormones increased. I swam in the nausea, my breasts became full as my belly ripened and I felt every movement as if I was swimming in water. Sickness moved me as if by tidal pull, and Life kept encouraging, 'Yes, my darling, feel everything. Feel it all'.
Calling to all the humans I needed, I tried to nest, to feel safe in the world. I needed to find the people who would support this pregnancy so I could meet this little one - to experience having a baby in this lifetime just. one. time.
And then one day at work, Death decided to visit and she called my baby's name.
Death sang softly and so sweetly, every note caressing the air around me. The spectral pied piper of the little womb ones. Death danced around me whilst Life started to shrivel and cry. Death shimmied, allowing her pendulous breasts to swing, and she shook her childbearing hips. Death waggled her finger and spoke to me with a smile on her lips, 'My darling, thank you for growing this little one of mine'.
I could see Life was helpless in the face of Death's call and could only witness the events unfolding. She watched as my baby heard and reached out in joy to suckle on her breasts, sit on her soft belly and be cradled in her sumptuous lap. Death sang, soothed and tended... whilst Life, and I, looked on in dismay.
My body was so full, then so empty, as I straddled and embodied Life and Death. My body understood what was happening and vomit, blood and tears seeped from me - ravaged by the loss of my little one. My husband collected my heaves, wiped the red from my legs and helped me collect the remains of our little one as I allowed the cramps to sweep my uterus, making sure Death took every last remnant.
Then I heard Death speak to me, 'You have given me four of your gorgeous babies and I am indebted by your kindness. I will leave you with four gifts in remembrance of your sacrifice'.
Death laid the gifts out in front of me, and smiled with gratefulness.
First of all, here is acceptance, which will also bring you peace. When you meet me without resistance, you will see I will also bring you a deep, resounding peace that will continue within you always. I know your resistance to me has devastated and exhausted you to the point that you are ready to receive this gift now. I nodded and took this gift into my hands.
My second gift to you is the ability to learn how to parent yourself - there is a little one within you that has waited so long for you to be able to embrace her. Now you can learn to look after her and allow her the healing she craves. This little one desires safety, comfort and love from you so very much. I understood the wisdom in these words and agreed.
I also allow you the capacity of compassion so that you can mother the lost ones in the world who are in desperate need of love. You are being given a limitless well of compassion so you can support others in their growth and allow them to find their own way. I took the gift without response.
Lastly, I bestow on you the title of 'Warrior'. A woman who has witnessed the dance of life and death of her own children she was unable to keep learns great courage and knowledge. A woman who can embody Life and Death and is able to hold them within is taught some of life's greatest secrets. There is very little in life you will be unable to handle. I bowed as I took on the title and tried to integrate this with who I think I am.
Death watched me receive these gifts, nodded and slowly bowed.
She then turned and walked away with my little one in her arms.
Play free my dear Little Sprouty, play with your brothers and sisters in the spirit world - come and find me when I am ready to dance with Death once again.
***There is some swearing in this post - please do not read this if you are easily offended. It is also LONG***
This is not an exhaustive list but this is one woman's guide to friends and family on how to support a woman going through a miscarriage. It is not intended to be sweet, sanitised and light, because miscarriage is none of those things. It is not intended to save you from the messy, anger inducing, tear-fest that miscarriage is, it is meant to show you what some women may actually be needing from you. If you have a friend or a family member that is going through a miscarriage, then reading this may help in some way but understand that every woman is unique.
After saying all that - you also need to understand that number 3 is essential for every woman.
If she has just told you that she has just found out she has miscarried, then she is going through one of the biggest upheavals in her life. Not only has she lost her baby and everything that goes with that, but most likely that baby is still inside of her and she still feels pregnant.
It is likely she doesn't feel she can trust her body anymore, her hormones are freaking her out and she cries at everything. She is most likely totally heartbroken and can't find anyone in Real Life who will sit and allow her to scream, cry and express her anger and fears. She now has to either wait for an operation or for the baby, placenta, cord and blood clots to come out of her vagina. Either way it will most likely involve pain, blood, tears, pads and out of control feelings - none of these she wants. She isn't looking forward to it and the process can take some time.
Things to do
1. Google miscarriage and what it actually entails - I highly recommend you read forums of other women who found out they miscarried and what happened to them. There are loads of forums - Mumsnet, Netmums, Baby and Bump, TheBump, Whattoexpect... the list goes on. This is where most women will flee to and ask questions, get advice and find out about support. They are a lifesaver. Learn about what she is going through before you ask her any questions - she is not there to teach you.
2. Learn about the stages: There's generally two ways a woman will find out she has miscarried, she will either:
- See blood in her pants and freak out
- Have no idea and have happily gone to hospital for a scan
Neither way is fun - either you have the agonising wait to have a scan to see if the baby is okay or you think everything is okay only to have your heart stamped on, squeezed and ripped apart when the Sonographer says, 'I'm sorry...'
- She will inevitably have to wait. Either she waits for an operation (can have complications) or she will take tablets and wait for them to start working and force the miscarriage process to happen (not always successful) or she will wait for a natural miscarriage (this can take weeks/months). Any way it happens, she will have her dead baby inside of her for some time and this can affect her mental health and how she responds to the world (ie. you).
- At some point the baby will come away from the woman's body - with any process this will involve blood.
- Afterwards, she will have to heal physically, mentally, emotionally, hormonally and possibly spiritually. This is different for every woman - it could be a week, months, years or a lifetime.
- She may decide to try again straight away, she may not be able to try again for a while for a number of reasons or she may never try again.
At any point, give her a break. If she is a complete bitch to you, if she shouts at you, if she doesn't speak to you, if she cries and screams and can't stop, if she is absolutely motionless and silent, if she only wants to talk about what's on TV and not talk about it.... basically, pick up whatever she is putting down for a while and be with her. She is in pain. The worst pain. All the pain. And she is probably scared out of her wits and doesn't know how to cope. Be kind.
- She will think of and be reminded of her baby for a long time to come, especially every month when she sees her period or when she sees others with their children.
3. Ask her how she wants to be supported. This will be absolutely unique to her and she may request different things from different people.
These stay a lot longer than your verbal words and can be a source of comfort during the sleepless nights.
5. Give or leave on the doorstep the following things:
- Anything that can help increase her blood production - drinks, herbs, vitamins, vegetables etc.
- Anything that will help maintain her iron levels - cherries, nettle tea bags, green smoothies, raspberries... Google it
- Anything that helps her uterus - raspberry leaf tea is amazing
- Chocolate - in any form: bars, hot chocolate, biscuits, ice-cream...
- Pads
- Meals - especially her favourite food
- New knickers/pants - chances are she has a lot of blood stained pants and she would like to throw them away
- Wine (if she drinks)
- Soft tissues with balm in it - toilet roll makes a woman blotchy
- A gift voucher for a session with a masseuse, acupuncturist, reflexologist, cranio sacral therapist or someone wonderful
- Pad and pen to write all the gunk in her mind down
- Anything you know she loves that is mindless - jigsaw puzzles, books, colouring pencils/book, magazines (with no pregnancy or baby related material), facemask/hairmask, anything that makes a woman feel pretty, whatever...
If you are a super close friend and you know that she is going to have a natural miscarriage, you can support her with buying ingredients that help the miscarriage along. You could also provide her with names and telephone numbers of amazing counsellors or therapists in the area that work with women who experience loss, for when she is ready, if she's into that sort of thing.
6. You can also send her online:
- Netflix recommendations that involve no babies and or pregnancies that will make her feel better eg. Queer Eye
- YouTube videos of cats and dogs
- YouTube videos of meditations to cope with loss or healing after grief.
- Pages that you think might help - Tommy's, Miscarriage Association, forums, blogs, poetry etc.
7. Do say something other than, 'I'm sorry.'
I have been told that some women are okay with people saying, 'I'm sorry.' If they are okay with it, then go for it and say it until the cows come home.
This is probably controversial, but most of the time everyone says this and for some women the meaning behind it can become meaningless. Additionally, most likely this is the first thing a sonographer will say to the woman and she could associate this with being told that her baby had died.
Instead, you can also say something like:
'My heart is breaking for you...'
'I'm absolutely gutted for you...'
'This is fucking terrible and it's awful you have to go through this...'
'I am sending you so much love and strength right now whilst you go through this shitty time...'
FYI - For me... please don't say 'I'm sorry.' When I hear it I am like, 'What are you sorry for? You are sorry I lost my baby? How does that help me?' I can't stand it when people say it to me. It also reminds of the Sonographer.
8. Help her heal
If she has passed a number of weeks of pregnancy, she will most likely have put on weight. This can be difficult to shift because of the different hormonal profile she will have for a while. Additionally, miscarriages can cause hormonal/thyroid issues and that might affect her weight, energy levels, mood etc.
Additionally, some women can experience low mood, anxiety and PTSD, particularly when they have a period. They could also be feeling all sorts of guilt about the things they could have done or should have done, which is absolutely natural.
Basically, for a while there, she isn't going to be right and she will most likely feel raw.
If you want, you can do the following:
- Ask her open questions - 'How are you?' 'How are you feeling?' 'How can I support you?' 'Tell me anything you need to express right now...' 'What is happening for you right now...' and then LISTEN. Listen until your ears bleed and then get a tissue to dab the blood and listen some more.
- Try not to ask closed questions that force her to say yes or no and don't use questions starting with 'Why..'.
- If you are trained in something lovely like massage, cranio sacral therapy, energy healing, shamanic work... Invite her into your space and give her some love.
- If you know of anyone who is awesome with women who have just lost their babies, buy them a session to show your love.
- Send her a lovely yoga class specifically for those who have miscarried.
9. Make sure you remain in contact
She may not contact you or respond to any of your messages but it is worth texting / whatsapping every few days with a short message - send her something that you think she will appreciate.
Some people appreciate a 'Thinking of you.' Again, if they like that, say that as often as you like. It's not my thing, I don't see any point in that but others like it.
You can go to her door and say you want nothing from her but you just want to give her a hug. That's okay. But if she doesn't answer the door because she is a mess and doesn't want anyone to see her, then don't persist.
You being silent isn't necessary even if she is silent. She may not be communicating with you but she will be aware you are communicating with her. Try not to take it personally if she is being silent.
10. LOVE
If you know her, if you are sad for her, if you are thinking of her and want to care for her... Pray for her, meditate on her wellbeing, tell the universe you want the very best for her, imagine your heart beaming beautiful light towards her, send her metta, sing for her, cry for her... It's okay to do that. Send her your love - you can do that from afar. You don't need to tell her because on some level she will receive that love and healing.
So, these are some things you can do to support her and show her that you love her.
The planet is rejoicing - the air and water are cleaner, animals are safer and calm has infiltrated the most chaotic spaces. Mother Earth is having her time. It's like she has sent us humans to the naughty corner to think about what we have done. And what have we done? We have continued, without respite, to inflict abuse, pain, horror and heartbreak on Her. Without thought for balance, suddenly nature is fighting back and trying to make sure we finally understand our place. The human race can be so easily obliterated. It is only because of love that we are still here. We are loved more than we know each moment of every day. The air we breathe, the water we drink, the ground we walk on, the creation that abounds around us is love in action, a love we take for granted and have become complacent about. During this time, it is important that we also love. Whether that is by following the social distancing rules, self-isolation, checking in with ourselves, family, friends and community to ensure they have the physical and emotional support needed. It is also a time of reflection to return our love to Mother Earth and to see how we can change moving forward so that we help maintain and respect the delicate balance in the exchange of love. What we receive from Mother Earth is unconditional, she is our greatest teacher. One night I woke up with my chest constricted and struggling to breathe. She told me, 'This is how I feel everyday. You are choking me with your cars, oil, factories and manufacturing. I cannot breathe. If I cannot breathe, please understand, you are not able to breathe.' I gasped and then cried when I realised what we are doing to her. I wake up everyday with the heavy load of grief on my chest and she told me, 'Moment to moment you are killing your brethren: the animals, fish, forests and fauna. There is no reverence for the old ways when the cycles of life and death were followed and you show disrespect to all I have created when you kill on purpose, without conscious assent from that being. Although the dead are still a part of me, they no longer support the living functioning of our existence and so the cycle is upset.' Last night, I woke in high anxiety with voices around me seeking help on what to do, how to understand, and I heard her say, 'Come home and listen, look and reflect on what changes need to be made so we can live in harmony. Meditate and look within so you can truly understand what is within is with - out. The human race are in dis-ease and are no longer guided by love so have become out of step with the rhythms of this planet. The human race need to regain perspective and truly open their hearts to what is, not what they would like things to be.' This is a time to open our hearts and ask Mother Earth how we can be and what we can do so that harmony can re-emerge. She is warning us. But this is no longer a time for fear, it is a time of love. As a human race we need to submit, lean into and let go into this temporary enforced rest so that we have been provided so that we can re-emerge into more loving, caring beings, willing to work in harmony with, not against, our Mother. Aho.
I was hauling a brown splattered 17kg suitcase through the mud of Bushy Park just a day after I had passed the majority of my third baby and all that entails. We had just buried little Noodle with their other siblings by the tree we had chosen nearly two years ago.
As we were trawling through, I looked up at the sky and said, 'Why are you pushing me to my limit?'
And I heard a voice say, 'Let go and all will come.'
The day I heard that I had lost this little one I had to make my way to a friend's house over an hour away. Diving into overcrowded, claustrophobic tubes, doubling over with cramp, I sweated my way to a hug and a goodbye as she left to look after her relative. I grabbed a hot water bottle, sat down and let the warmth of the water seep into my abdomen, which was indignant as I had allowed another internal scanner to poke, push and annoy.
Sitting on that couch, I soon experienced a sense of blissfulness. I fell into the deepest gratitude as I was so grateful for this pregnancy, one that took over a year to achieve. I was so thankful for every single hormonal signal - from the positive pregnancy test, the sore breasts, the bloating and nausea to the increased saliva and deep deep exhaustion. Food never tasted better, sleep never felt so refreshing and the knowledge that a little life had chosen to grace my uterus with their presence was gratifying and humbling. I promised myself this time that I would love every second of the pregnancy and I did. I relished every single second of being a mama and immersed myself in the maternal love kept only for this little being.
That evening, I felt this deep joy and relaxed deeper and deeper, knowing it wouldn't last forever and that the inevitable pain of attachment would soon catch up. I tasted sweetness from the cup of gratitude and allowed my body to submit and let go - glowing, free and relaxed.
That evening, a friend sent me information about a film maker called Richard Martini who speaks about how miscarriages can occur for the spiritual development of the parents. Since reading up on him, I have been guided to read, 'Letting Go' by David R Hawkins and 'Ask and It Is Given' by Esther and Jerry Hicks. I have had dreams instructing me to meditate and I am trying to come back into my body slowly.
Clearly, this is another opportunity for spiritual growth and development that I need to work on although I am a very slow learner at the best of times.
Though I was provided a taste of how I could feel if I just let go, I know I am resisting and as a consequence feel a build up of anger, pain, upset, hurt and can feel myself drowning into waves of this. I find it difficult to find peace and see myself react, react react.
Because, for me, nothing feels right after experiencing deep maternal loss. Physically, emotionally, hormonally, spiritually and in relationship to any or everything. I feel off kilter, unlike myself and raw - as if layers of my skin has been hacked off and my sores are left to bleed. I find human interaction exhausting, limiting and frustrating. In Real Life, I have found nobody who can truly understand how lonely, sad, painful, brutal, traumatising and heartbreaking repeated miscarriage is and so I know it is only up to me to brave this initiation, find a way through and learn.
I keep being told that it is up to me to choose the way forward, that I can make the decision to be joyful whilst processing this grief healthily, so I can heal and set myself free. I know the universe is on my side and will help me to learn. In the meantime, I will just take one day at a time and trust that it is possible even if I am not there yet.
