Friday 29 May 2015

Finding my Inner Shaman - the Cacao Ceremony

Today was the Cacao Ceremony.

On my way to the ceremony I felt nerves at the pit of my stomach - before our journeys were made using our own energies but today we would be using cacao - a plant medicine that can open our hearts and help heal what we haven't yet been able to achieve over the last six weeks.

The Shaman asked us if there was a chakra we wanted to work on and what our intention was for the ceremony.

I said I wanted to work on my heart chakra, to come back to loving and learning, to center on me again. The card I picked was 'Adventure' - it was a child walking into the light and trusting her way forward. To me it really felt like this ceremony was an adventure of sorts, that I was the innocent but curious child.

We were given the cacao to drink in silence, the bitter mixture hit the back of my throat and I willed down the mixture as quickly as possible, crushing the grounds with my teeth so that it would slide down my throat more easily, and then I lay down and waited for the medicine to take me on its journey.

Two memories became strong in my mind, which helped to remind me of my fearlessness.

The first memory is when one evening an old friend and I sat in the pub with her boyfriend. Unbeknownst to me they had been putting double and triple vodkas in my orange and I didn't realise how drunk I was until I stood up to leave, with my bicycle. The 25 minute walk home revived me and as I stood at the side entrance of my parent's housing estate, I decided to cycle the last part home, with my top and bra off. I promptly took my clothes off and cycled around the estate half naked feeling the air on my skin and the moon rays dancing on my body. I felt alive, free, wild... a rush of thrilling abandonment.

The second memory is the last meditation in a Vipassana course I was on in Melbourne... as it was the last session there was a choice regarding attendance and so not many people arrived. I sat on my pillow and began to focus on each sensation in my body and I experienced what I believe is Bhanga nana. To me it felt like a complete dissolution of my self and that I was able to experience the truth that I am a part of the universe, and the universe is a part of me.

The cacao helped me to realise that I am still on my adventure, that I am so blessed with love in my life. That I need to trust that I am on the right path. I am free like the half naked woman on the bike and I am part of the universe like the woman sitting in deep deep communion with the universe.

I realised I have done so much with my life - memory after memory tumbled into my consciousness of events, countries, people, places, moments, lifetimes, knowledge... I saw how my emotions have moved me and my passions have warmed me. I have made lifelong friendships and maybe a few enemies along the way but I have always felt life working through and guiding me. How can I forget who I am - this wild woman who allows power to guide her?

I saw a vision of me being outside beside a fire, lit by flames and surrounded by people. Dancing with wild abandon and graced with warm air caressing my skin.

There is a list of things I need to do - to include in my vision:
- I need to experience other plant medicines
- I need to go to South America
- I would like to write a novel
- I would like to start my yoga teacher training
- I would like to open up a yoga retreat
- I would like to be in a loving committed relationship

I realised I needed to stop placing expectations on myself - saying to myself that I am not pretty, fun, or whatever enough. I have to realise I am enough. I am a child of the universe. I am peace. I am loving, creative, beautiful, adventurous, and brave, and I need to acknowledge and remember my own achievements.

I also realised I needed to stop placing expectations on others, including him - and that I needed to see him as he is not how I would like him to be. As he is stepping into his light, so am I.

I left the journey feeling stoned, high and blissful. Tears of joy filled my eyes. The Shaman told me I had found the right medicine for me.

The Shaman asked us to connect to how we were when we started this course - I saw this sad, heartbroken, confused and frightened woman who didn't understand why she was here in this strange city without the man she fell in love with. I saw a victim of circumstance. Now, as I connected with who I was, I felt the emergence of a journeyer, a Master, a woman in her truest sense - fearless, abundant and sensitive.  

The Shaman asked us what our first ever cards were, I had forgotten but she reminded me, 'You picked 'The Master.'' The Shaman asked us to pick our last cards and I picked 'Ice-Olation'. I didn't understand. The Shaman said, 'You are not to allow yourself to feel isolated again. You are not a victim. You have the tools to be your own Master.'

The Shaman picked the last card for all of us, the card was 'Rebirth' - the Shaman told us, 'Live your lives the way you want. Play to your own tune. Enjoy every moment.'

I understood that everything I have experienced has made me who I am and that I am on a GRAND adventure. 

You can read more about my Inner Shaman Adventures: Gracie's Shamanic adventures


Cacao Ceremonies facilitated by: http://www.rebekahshaman.com/



Follow me here...
Twitter: Gracie's Twitter Page
Facebook: Gracie's FB page 

Finding my Inner Shaman - Part 6


Today we were looking at the third eye chakra - the chakra of self-responsibility. The Shaman asked us what we wanted to achieve and what we wanted to let go of. I stated I wanted to work on trusting in life and to let go of trying to control it in anyway. She nodded and we all said, 'Aho'.

The card I took for the journey was 'Guidance' - for me that meant I was to seek guidance in my journey that night and see what needed to be said.

We lay down to journey and I allowed my conscious thinking self to drift away.

The Shaman asked us to speak to our chakras and listen to the messages we needed to hear.

My root chakra spoke to me, 'No longer do you need to be fearful. At the beginning of this course you said you were afraid of losing your fearlessness, but you never lost it. You just lost sight of it. A woman who has travelled the world and has been on adventures like yours, and has risked everything for love is not a woman borne of fear. You are strong, resilient and can bear the consequences of the risks you take. Stand proud.'

I bowed to myself and acknowledged my own strength. I moved on.

My sacral chakra spoke to me, 'Before now you always had a vision for your life. Right now you do not have one so you feel lost. It is important for you to work towards a vision. When the time is right, create your vision and walk towards it. Trust that is the right vision for you.'

I acknowledged I have no vision currently and needed to make one when the time is right. I moved on.

My solar plexus chakra spoke to me, 'You need to walk your talk and be truthful in speech. Yet also be sure of what you are saying and the effects it will have on others. Find a way to express your truth gently.'

I know it is difficult for me to sometimes speak my truth and I can find it hard to be gentle. I appreciated the advice. I moved on.

My heart chakra spoke to me, 'Honey, don't forget me when you are in a relationship. You will be in a relationship again but I ask that you don't forsake my needs and wants for that of another. You so easily push aside those inner yearnings to make another feel happy - at that point you are doing no one any service. Remember me, listen to me and respond to me even when you are with another.'

I understood I had been committing an injustice to my self. I told my heart I would listen to her from now on. I moved on.

My throat chakra spoke to me, 'This week you reacted in anger and said something you now regret. Don't speak or write when you are angry. If you feel anger, ask the person to speak with you at another time.'

I burned at the shame of writing in anger, knowing I only hurt myself when I threw my words in this way. I moved on.

My third eye chakra spoke to me, 'Listen to your intuition.' I was then presented with a vision, I saw myself dancing, following a road that lit up bright yellow as I placed my foot on the next paving stone. I loved and trusted each step I took, knowing that I was on the right path for me.  I was happy and knew that whatever comes is meant to be.

I saw a vision of myself, walking through the yoga room in my retreat centre and I walked out on the balcony and saw the sea. I turned around and saw him sitting crossed legged on the bench, he was smiling at me and I walked towards him and sat beside him cross legged. We held hands and felt contentment.

I knew then I didn't want to become an AMHP, I wanted to teach, train and heal others, in whatever sphere I am able.  I wanted to write that novel I always warned people about.

The Shaman asked what we wanted to manifest, so clearly my self said the following: 'Love, peace, clarity and trust.'

When we came around the Shaman spoke to me in depth. I told her my journey, of how when I shed my skin I felt renewed.

The card for my week was 'No-thingness' - the Shaman said this was a ripe time for me to create. There is a bigger reason why I am in London, I am here so a greater intention can be fulfilled. She said it's now time I let the magic in, spread my wings and fly. Step into being my own Master.

I am ready to step forward.


Finding my Inner Shaman facilitated by: http://www.rebekahshaman.com/

You can read more about my Inner Shaman Adventures: Gracie's Shamanic adventures



Follow me here...
Twitter: Gracie's Twitter Page
Facebook: Gracie's FB page
Google +: Gracie's Google + page


..............................................

On Clothes

Your clothes conceal much of your beauty, yet they hide not the unbeautiful.
And though you seek in garments the freedom of privacy you may find in them a harness and a chain.
Would that you could meet the sun and the wind with more of your skin and less of your raiment,
For the breath of life is in the sunlight and the hand of life is in the wind.

Some of you say, "It is the north wind who has woven the clothes we wear."
And I say, Ay, it was the north wind,
But shame was his loom, and the softening of the sinews was his thread.
And when his work was done he laughed in the forest.
Forget not that modesty is for a shield against the eye of the unclean.

And when the unclean shall be no more, what were modesty but a fetter and a fouling of the mind?
And forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair.
 Kahlil Gibran

Wednesday 20 May 2015

Finding my Inner Shaman - Part 5

This week was about the throat chakra and speaking our truth. The Shaman said that when she knows she needs to say something and speak her truth, she will ask the universe to create the space and perfect moment so the other person is able to hear what is being said. She said we can do the same.

The Shaman went around the group and asked everyone how their weeks had been. She came to me and asked me to share. I spoke of a week filled with anxiety and fear, of panic and pain. I said none of the Shamanic techniques had worked and it was my worst week yet. I had been asking everyone for advice on what to do in with my life and getting no clear answers, which just caused further instability and a lack of trust in myself.

The Shaman tore my words apart and became fierce - telling me truths I did not want to hear, telling me the situation how it is rather than how I would like it to be. I stubbornly resisted. I wanted to cling on to my past, the vision of how things were, I didn't want to embrace change. She said I wasn't undertaking the techniques properly and worst of all, not following my heart. The Shaman said I had started to become empowered but suddenly my ego had taken over and was trying to stop me from reaching my full potential. I felt humbled by her beration.

The Shaman took us on a journey to explore the chakra and for a while I couldn't relate to anything she said, my resistance rose within me like a bubble of rebelliousness. Yet, when she said, 'If you saw yourself walking down the street, what advice would you give yourself?' I knew I needed to explore this. I asked myself, what is the right advice for my situation? And my heart, who I had missed, finally spoke:

  'Fall in love with waiting. If you can fall in love with a man, you can fall in love with the process.'

Suddenly the tension, anxiety and depression started to seep out of me. Tears washed away my pain as I started to surrender to the process and again allowed my heart to open and take care of me. 

The Shaman asked us to visualise people in our minds and speak our truths to them one by one. In my mind he was there and although my head had so many words to say, my heart had only three.

  'I love you'

With that love I realised there was no 'but' or 'and' after the sentence - there were no conditions attached. Whatever the decision that is made between us in June I knew I would be fine.

At the end of the session, I pulled the card, 'The Dream' - it was a picture of a woman looking at a fantasy of a man and woman together in a loving relationship. I asked the Shaman what it meant. She said, 'You are in love with the dream, not reality. The reality is that he isn't here. Don't miss the magic of what is available to you whilst he is away.' I said that I wouldn't.

The Shaman said, 'I have a message for you, this situation is triggering a major process of self-discovery for you. All the greatest healers need the deepest wounds.'

The fear has gone.



Finding my Inner Shaman facilitated by: http://www.rebekahshaman.com/

You can read more about my Inner Shaman Adventures: Gracie's Shamanic adventures


Follow me here...
Twitter: Gracie's Twitter Page
Facebook: Gracie's FB page
Google +: Gracie's Google + page

..................................
 

Question: What is the difference between love and devotion?

What you call as love, if you are not devoted to the person whom you love, there is really no love; it is only a mutual benefit scheme. When you truly love somebody, you will naturally be devoted; how can you not? One, who does not know devotion to the one he loves, does not know love at all. Then it is just a socially picked up word - because everybody is saying “I love you”, you are also saying it. Love has conditions attached to it. Only if your expectations are fulfilled, your love affair will continue, otherwise it will end. Devotion is not like that. It is unconditional. Love also genuinely becomes a fulfilling and life nurturing process for anyone only when it is unconditional. The moment it is conditional, it becomes a transaction. Human transactions at the physical, emotional and intellectual levels are often referred to as love. “You fulfil my need; I will fulfil your need.” It is just useful; it is utilitarian. People do not like to see it that way because it makes their lives ugly. So they want to give it a beautiful name, so they call it ‘love’. Observe this at places of worship: What people think is devotion to God might not in fact be so. Here, too, there is a transaction. You do whatever you think God expects you to do, and then God is supposed to do many other things for you. This is deal making, and an unfair one. Love and devotion, however, are not two different things, but people still do tend to see them as being separate because one is meant for a higher purpose and another is expected to fulfil a daily need. But there is no need to separate the two. Love is devotion and devotion is love. Without love, how can anybody be devout? Just because you have ascribed to yourself a certain religion or faith, you don’t instantly become a devotee - a devotee is just drawn. A devotee is never thinking in terms of his own well-being. Only one who can look beyond his own well-being can be a devotee. You cannot cultivate devotion. Cultivated devotion is deception. When you are overwhelmed by something, you will naturally be devoted to it. It takes experience for devotion to be natural. When you plant a rose plant, you don’t try to get a flower out of it immediately. You just nurture it. When it is sufficiently nurtured, it will blossom forth. So devotion is like a flower. It is not something that you try to do. If you dig into the earth, you will not find a flower or fruit, but it all comes from there; the plant is only a passage from earth to flower. The fragrant flower does not display any trace of soil, manure or water - it is devoid of all that. Devotion is devoid of you. When you become just a conduit for life, you become an outpouring of devotion. No one has ever achieved anything of significance in any sphere of life without being devoted to what he is doing. Devotion is not only the sweetest way to be, but also the most intelligent way to be, as a devotee effortlessly perceives what one of intellect will struggle with for a lifetime.
 Sadhguru Jaggi Vasudev

Tuesday 12 May 2015

B- Part 1 - Story




Introduction
This is a story set in the mythical village of B-, set in an unknown country. This story is not intended to be a conventional dramatic story; the reader should not expect to turn the page with anticipation of a narrative pull. Rather, I would like the reader to focus on each moment. The use of formal prose and the present tense represents Tanga’s consciousness and reflects her Buddhist-like philosophy of mindfulness and loving-kindness. I hope you enjoy this!

……………………….

I see the children around him laugh, his face gets redder by the minute but time just keeps passing. I see him try to stop it; he jumps up and down, waves his arms about and clicks his fingers. “Magic,” he says. He looks at his watch after each performance but the hand still moves. After a while he throws the watch on the dusty floor, stands on it and walks off.

The children scrabble in pursuit of the damaged watch. I observe them play with the hands, a few pick up fragments of plastic – hoping to catch some of the magic that the man couldn’t stop. Soon they disperse, bored with the watch that broke, half conscious that it was only a mechanism and a servant to the eternal mysteries of this world.

I sit under the Banyan tree, the sun sinks slowly behind me, the heat finally becoming bearable. My tanned arms and legs betray my foreign status thought I have lived in B- longer than anywhere else I would call home. My skin is not dark brown, thought its native paleness has turned golden. In this town, being old is considered an honour, a respected position within the community. As a foreigner, I am considered unusual, alluring yet unknown. My mental and physical faculties have not failed and my love for this place is unwavering as it brought up my husband whom I adore. No ancestors were here before me and none shall make their home here for I have borne no children. The wrinkles on my face show the signs of the unbeatable magic. My white hair glows, even in the fading light. I am called Tanga, it means ‘blue eyes’ for they also betray my status, so different from the chocolate brown that flows from the blood of B-. Foreigners who enter this village are informed of me; the people here understand my love for this place and know I will share it with others.


I take time to appreciate my surroundings and feel peace within. My companion walks out of the building opposite me, he sees me sitting and smiles. I reach for my stick, pull myself up and walk towards him. His back is slightly rounded, his grey hair contrasts against his dark brown skin. We meet each other, take each other’s hand and smile lovingly. The peace from within travels from my heart, through my hands and into my husband’s body. We begin to walk deliberately through the maze of the village, down its dusty roads and setting sun.

The donkeys and cows move slowly whilst the street bustles around them. The rickshaws buzz dangerously close but the animals do not notice. The children chatter with delight and play, the older ones ride about on battered bikes weaving in and out of the rubbish and animals that get in the way. People of all ages take advantage of the dull heat, sit in the open air, keep an eye on the children and enjoy the beauty of the setting sun. The buildings around them reflect the traditions of the Old Raj, the while of their walls increasingly covered by red soil, their grandeur incongruous against the simple town.

Some of the folk call out greetings to us while we walk past, they press their hands together and bow, a sign of respect for us, the old couple that walk slowly down the street. Some young girls with wet hair sit out on the pavement together, letting the sun dry it naturally as it falls down onto their backs. One girl catches my eye, her long dark hair set in waves, cascading below her breasts, almost reaching her waist. Her eyes are so dark the pupils are hard to find. She glances up from her book, her gaze uncertain. Her skirt has ridden up her legs, revealing a little birthmark above her knee. She nods in our direction and we carry on.

We pass a few stalls that have opened after the siesta. I touch the mangoes and judge their ripeness. The owner, Peto, invites us in for a cup of tea. We decline his offer but buy three mangoes for our supper.

As we reach our home we see a girl with three other children sitting around her knees; she is bent over and crying. The children look lost and confused. I walk up to them and hold out my hand, the girl takes this hand and stands up.
  “I am Tanga,” I say.
 “I know, I have been looking for you,” she replies, the tears staining her cheek, reflecting the red of the sunset. We all enter the house together.

Kairo and I, not averse to the company of strangers, take pleasure in making our guests comfortable. We prepare the beds, fill the bath and together put the food on the table and eat. Our guests look tired, especially the younger children, so we ask no questions.

The girl introduces herself and her brothers, “My name is Sadie and these are my brothers.” She points to them in turn: “Heal, Buiy and Fah.” In response to this Kairo says, “You are welcome to stay here, we will not turn you away.” Sadie nods, her eyes fill with tears and I take her hand. She smiles a little in return and pulls her hand away.

I start to study Sadie and her brothers. I wonder about them and try to gather any clues as to their origin. All of them are thin and they wear foreign clothes. Baggy trousers and loose fitting shirts, nothing like our local clothing. They must have travelled far, why would such a young girl travel alone with her brothers? We glance at each other from time to time over the table and smile, in an attempt to spread a warm feeling to our guests. We encourage them to feel at ease and pretend we are not seriously worried for the future of these children who have found us.

The boys eat the rice, fish and devour the mangoes. Sadie eats very little, her dark skin, pale. The boys finish their food and I take them to their room. The boys, delighted by such comfort, immediately take off their shirt and prepare for the wonderful joy that is sleep. Five minutes pass and all is still. I leave them and walk back to the kitchen.

I find Kairo clearing the table, at which Sadie still sits, suddenly her posture slackens, her eyes close and her chin lands softly on her chest. Tiredness wins its struggle and pushes her swiftly towards slumber. Kairo looks at me, then at the girl. He walks towards her and gently ushers her on to a bed.

I remember a very good friend of mine who used to stress the importance of family. She would always say, ‘To know thy family is to know thyself’ and I would agree. When Kairo and I married, everybody would ask about our plans to have children. In B-, nobody is allowed to marry before they are thirty, so the business of reproducing is high on the agenda for most newlywed couples. After many years, we realised we were not meant to have a family and the village stopped asking so many questions. The lack of a child did not bother us and we did not feel incomplete, in fact our respect and love for each other deepened as the years brought us closer together as a couple.

The family - various different personalities flung together, bound by blood. Automatic access into lives of people one might never have met in daily life otherwise. Momentous occasions shared, arguments that reach violent proportions can strike. I remember what it was like to see my brother as a baby or when my sister and I would fight over matters that seemed important at the time. Within the family a bond deeper than friendship can form.

I lie in bed and think about Sadie, Heal, Buiy and Fah and wonder what it would be like if they became a part of my family. Kairo and I talk long into the night, discuss plans and ideas in case these children have no place to return and no one else to love them.

Night falls, the stars shine and the full moon protects the little village of B-.


Read Part 2 here: B- Part 2 - Story


Other long stories can be found here: Gracie's long stories



Follow me here...
Twitter: Gracie's Twitter Page
Facebook: Gracie's FB page
Google +: Gracie's Google + page