I have lost my voice.
Not metaphorically or symbolically. I seriously and truly heard my voice become this deep husky baritone on Monday before it faded to nothing on Tuesday.
By Saturday, the sound of my high pitched Jersey infused utterances became a mere memory and so began my apprenticeship in the art of loud whispering and dramatic facial gestures accompanied by coughing, sneezing and feverish panic. I was fortunate that in six days my body had recovered enough so I was able to find my way to the Shaman's circle and hear the wisdom of Old Mother Cacao.
We went around the room and stated our intentions. I whispered, 'Hi, I have lost my voice...' and then out of nowhere I said, 'I have come to find it again!'
And then I whispered my original intention, 'I also want to look seriously at my priorities regarding my career as at the moment as I am so confused.' Aho.
The Shaman placed the cards in the middle of the room and spread them out and asked us to pick a card, of course the only card I was ever going to pick was, 'Silence'.
I know I am not alone when I say my current job isn't working for me. I have started rethinking my personal reasons for becoming a social worker and whether I want to carry on in the statutory sector or be more creative in my approach.
Recently, I have been thinking about a conversation I had with my sister, about if she was ambitious. She stated to me, 'I am not ambitious but I like to be known for doing things well.' I sat with that for a while and agreed with her statement. I have never been ambitious. I am not hungry to rise in management or earn vast amounts of money, but I like to be thought of as a person who can do things well, and with integrity. I am starting to think it's not possible to do that in my current job anymore.
I drank in as much cacao as I could, resisted the feelings of rising nausea the taste invokes and lay down to listen to the silence.
She spoke to me, 'You are sick because you are in dis-ease. You are run down and dealing with a constant source of underlying stress. You are not born to cope with large amounts of stress, you are much happier when your job requires less from you so you can devote your energies to the creative.'
'You are born to be imaginative and experimental - whether that is in your career or personal life. Honey, you are going to die, you may as well enjoy the journey from womb to ashes. Do what you are passionate about, what makes you feel alive. There is not enough time for the mundane.'
I sat beside Old Mother Cacao and came up with reasons why I should stay in my job. I have already trained to be a social worker... What if there isn't the right job for me..? What if I can't make enough money..?
She said to me, 'Who do you want to be? Just a Social Worker?'
I replied, 'Well, no, not just a Social Worker...'
'You are a multi-faceted human being. You have a list of things you would like to achieve. Who cares if you are or are not called a Social Worker. You want to write, become a yoga teacher, grow in yoga and shamanism - live your life holistically. Find a job that is in alignment with the flow of your life. Follow your own heart.'
Out of the journey, we were asked to pull a card and I received, 'Letting go.' As I looked at the card I saw water drops fall from the leaf back into the pond - back to the source. I saw that I needed to let go of my identity as a Social Worker so I could find the job that is right for me; where I am given the opportunity, time and resources to do it well. I know that when I let go of who I think I am, who I really am is allowed to shine through.
Aho.
Cacao Ceremonies facilitated by Rebekah Shaman
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