The preparation for India 2008 - Blog Post

This afternoon I refused a visit to the sea. I, a great seeker of all things sea-like declined this momentous meeting just a day before a lunar eclipse. Surely the sea hears the lunar call just as clearly, if not more so, than I. The sea is a servant to nature, majestic in its quality, fearsome even, whereas I, also a product of nature, fight blindly against natural law. 

Instead, I laid on my bed and read about a Messiah called Jesus and learnt about what he preached. He called to people and said, ‘Love thy neighbour’. He only preached this message of love to the masses. Love, love and love again… he said to turn thy cheek so people may slap further and by that example people will learn. He said love takes lifetimes to learn but this knowledge should not deter even the most hardened of people for all of us with sin carry the grace of God within us. Do I have this too? Do I also have the grace of God? I am a sinner. Inside of me I am unclean. There is lust, judgement, greed, deceit and anger within me, still alive and present though they try to give themselves other names. I am not trying to preach a lesson in Christianity for I abhor all sentiments of religion but this message, this simple message of love, is it not worthy of remembrance? Not beautiful enough to follow? Is there any other message greater than this? And what of Buddha, is his message also not of love? And Mohammed? Really, I am beginning to understand that all enlightened beings say the same thing… and time and again we ignore it in favour of these earthly illusions we cling to.

And I cling with the utmost fierceness… to my family, to my friends, to certain possessions, to my own words and most of all, to the voice inside of me. People keep asking me what I am running away from but why can’t I be running to something? When my surroundings are not conducive for me to sit and understand the ultimate nature of this universe, isn’t it natural to find a place where it is allowed?

Am I confusing myself with all this double talk? Then let me speak plainly. I seek… I want to find the purity within me. I want to understand the Kingdom of God. Enlightenment. Peace. Yet I do not want to exclude humanity as a result. I am not made for a hermit-like existence though its very essence is natural to me. I cringe at the thought of being separate to the world around me as I want to understand the world I live in. I want to love those who are apparently opposite to me though I know essentially they are a part of me. Yet I find myself naturally inclined to seek solitude, as if it were an old friend and find it easy to separate myself from human activities though it is my wish to be a part of them.

A couple of weeks ago, from the sheer claustrophobia of these four walls I live in, I jumped on my bike and cycled randomly, with no plan. It started raining. The rain touched my head, hit my helmet and splashed onto my white fingers. Water slithered down my back and my whole body was washed. My tears joined nature’s bath, my misery and misunderstanding mingled with a gift from the heavens. Why was I sad? Well, at that moment I felt desperately alone. I had left my family and closest friends, their lives existing on another continent, and my contradictory impulses left me feeling like a failure. I felt like my trip to Australia was the biggest failure of all… I thought of the people I knew and wondered if any were actual friends. I thought of the things I had done and wondered if any of it had been worthwhile. I thought of the places I had seen and if that meant anything at all. I thought what an apparent waste of time this year has been. I got off my bike and sat by the river and contemplated the wasteland that is my life. What had I done that had been of any consequence? Tears kept falling.

Settling in a different country is extremely difficult. I don’t care what anyone says… it is a culmination of mourning, confusion, stress, disappointment, exhaustion, hope, excitement and the promise of new beginnings. 

Anyway, that evening as I sat by the river I heard a voice inside of me. She told me that there are things happening that are beyond my current perspective. She said that there is no failure… only the redundant skeletal bones of expectation which is so skewered with misunderstanding they are rendered useless anyway. When there is no retrospective insight then there is no question of understanding success or failure, I should only have faith that the highest good is working for me. She said that everything that comes my way should only serve to strengthen my resolve that I am on my path, that I shall also know what it means to love, to be pure and to have understanding. I should stop fighting my destiny that is unfolding and just follow. She laughed at me. She laughed heartily and said that there were people who thought highly of me. There were people who had benefited from meeting me. And she said, more importantly, that my heart had been touched by the people I had met and the places I had seen. Surely a touched heart is more worthwhile than a hardened heart. A sensitive heart is beautiful.

So my destiny will lead me back to India. I have been railing against it for so long yet I do not understand why since this country heals my very soul. When I was there last its magic reached into my very core and turned me inside out. I faced demons and conquered them there. It restored my equilibrium and I changed irrevocably. I grew up. Now, I am ready to accept that she is calling me because she is ready to teach again. I only hope I am ready to receive such instruction because I am not the most apt pupil and sometimes it’s very difficult for me to learn. She makes it so simple in nature and theory yet I find it nearly impossible to practice.

So anyway, after reading about Jesus my inner voice told me to go to the church on Church Road. Though I am not Catholic I decided long ago that all places of worship are for everyone and so I usually visit its cool stone and look upon the horrific image of crucifixion. Sometimes I sing in there because the acoustics are amazing and no one is around to listen but mostly I pray. Tonight I was too late and so I sat on the steps and looked at the sky, the moon was so close to full and my emotions were still. I knelt on the steps and bowed in total gratitude to this world I am a part of.

Acceptance has flooded me. I now realise I have to prepare. I am leaving soon and if I am not ready for that then I am a fool. It is time for me to get ready for the next stage on my journey. The preparations will start now.